The Arkham Chronicles
by clownprincessofcrime.07
Summary: The Joker, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harvey Dent, Poison Ivy, and Harley Quinn are all trapped in Arkham- and they don't like it! What's worse is they have to partake in team building exercises! crack fic. ooc.
1. Soccer

This is the beginning of a many part series concerning the goings on of Akrham Asylum. It focuses on six main characters, the Joker, Harvey Dent, The Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy (with more emphasis on the Joker, Harvey, and Harley). Characters are loosely based, but it is hilarous all the same. Or at least I hope it is.  
Enjoy!

* * *

It was a bright summer's day in Gotham City's most notorious mental ward, being the only mental ward, Arkham Asylum. Lately, the patients had broken out into many scuffles about one thing or another, and had refused to get along with one another. Upon trying to solve this, one of nurses had an idea.

She was going to make a soccer team.

With this soccer team, the patients would learn teamwork, good sportsmanship, and how to come together and work towards a common goal. So she bought herself a whistle, gave herself the title of "coach", and rounded up the selection of patients she thought most needed this sort of planned activity.

But her plants didn't stop there. She hoped to create an inspiration from this team, maybe inspire some other hospitals to form teams of their own, and then they could compete with each other, and learn of the successes of other patients. To her, it was a win-win situation.

But she wasn't aware of how resistant her troop of soccer players was going to be.

It was lunchtime in Arkham, when the Joker, Harley Quinn, Harvey Dent, Poison Ivy, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, some guy who was afraid of loud noises and a huge thug with schizophrenia were called outside. Usually, the criminals of Arkham weren't allowed to associate with the non-villainous insane, but apparently this was an exception. Standing outside and squinting in the sun, the two other patients eyed the villains warily as they discussed breaking out and causing mayhem. They were particularly wary of the Joker, with his leering smile and imposing figure.

At this time, the coach came up with a soccer ball under her arm and a bag of pinnies in her other hand.

"Alright, who's ready for teambuilding?" she called happily.

Poison Ivy rolled her eyes and pulled her long red hair back into a thick braid that came down to the small of her back. She wasn't particularly fond of this nurse, who she had seen eating a salad one day. The nerve of her, feasting on those poor, unsuspecting lettuce leaves…

The Riddler and the Scarecrow were hovering in the back, deep in conversation.

"Say it again."

"Okay- what has four eyes but can't see?"

"I give up."

"Come on, you have to think about it!" the Riddler whined. "Come on."

"Um…I give up."

"Bah. Fine. A blind quatro-plops!"

"What the hell is a quatro-plops?"

"A magician doesn't reveal his secrets."

"You aren't a magician, you tell bad riddles."

"They aren't bad!" he cried. The Scarecrow rolled his eyes and smiled.

"_Scarecrow_…"

"Stop that!" the Riddler whined, putting his hands over his ears. "If you want to picture how I feel when you do that, if I were an ostrich with three feet, what would you…"

"Who's ready for soccer?" the coach asked in the most patronizing voice she could come up with. The Joker scowled. He was in no mood for this kind of shenanery. And plus, Harvey was included in the group, which spelled trouble. Harvey had difficulty not only putting up with the Riddler and his riddles that were getting worse and worse all the time, but with the general spirit of good sportsmanship all together.

"The Riddler is afraid of soccer," the Scarecrow sniggered.

"I am not!"

"Yes you are, don't lie."

"…yes I am."

"Don't worry, we'll go easy on you," the woman said, patting him on the shoulder. The Riddler jerked away.

"I'll deal with my fears as I please."

"_Scarecrow…"_

"Cut that out!" he whined, stomping on the ground. "You know I hate that."

"That's why I do it."

"You do it enough in the cell," he complained. "Imagine if three birds were in a cave, and if you had a tub of frosting, what would you get when you plucked…"…"

"I HATE YOUR DAMN RIDDLES!" Harvey screamed, throwing a rock a ways in the distance. "I've got more of those, and they're coming your way…"

"I'm not afraid of you!" the Riddler yelled, walking up to him.

"You wanna fight?" Harvey snarled, wielding a silver coin. "Head I win, tails you DIE!"

"That's not fair!"

"I'LL GIVE YOU FAIR!"

It was then that the Joker truly understood the reasons for Harvey's regular anger management classes. They didn't appear to be paying off. Needless to say, all of the non-villain patients looked scared out of their wits.

"Will I remind you two idiots that we are all on the same side?" the Joker interjected, stepping in between them.

"I am on no such side." Harvey scowled, but backed off all the same.

"So, let's form teams!" the coach said, blowing a whistle. Unfortunately, this greatly upset the patient who was afraid of loud noises, who started crying and curled up into the fetal position. "Joker, Riddler, you're captains."

"We'll see what form of comedy is truly the victor," the Riddler said, raising an eyebrow.

"It's a soccer game you moron," the Scarecrow scoffed. "Not a stand up competition."

"It's figurative!"

"You're figurative!"

"Well, what happens when you combine a jar of pickles with seven marbles and…"

His riddle was rudely interrupted at that point with a rather large rock colliding with the side of his head. The coach blew her whistle, which only spurred the crying man on.

"Enough!" she yelled. "Riddler, get up here and pick your first teammate."

"You with the arm tattoo." He said, pointing to the burly schizophrenic, who muttered something to his invisible friend and walked up to join the Riddler.

"Good!" the coach exclaimed. "Joker, you next."

"Two-Face," he said, pretending to consider this seriously. Harvey clapped and trotted over to his side.

"We're are gonna kick some crazy guy ASS!"

"I want the plant," the Riddler said, pointing to Ivy, who was laying on the ground picking flowers.

"I'm not a plant," she scowled, but got up to join his team nonetheless.

"Harley." The Joker said, pointing at her. She squealed at an ear piecing decibel.

"MISTAH J! WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM!"

"Scarecrow…" the Riddler sighed.

"Ah good. I can help you wane your fear of soccer." He smirked, joining him.

After about ten more minutes of this, the teams were finally formed. They decided that Harvey was too liable to fly off the handle at random times, so they decided to put him in the goal. At the coach's whistle, the Riddler ducked and hid behind his hands, which pretty much left it open for the Joker, who grinned, and giving into temptation, turned around and kicked it as hard as he could past Harvey and into his own goal.

"IDIOT! What was that for?" Harvey screamed as he watched the hurtling ball fly into his goal. "Are you BLIND?"

"Oops. My mistake," he grinned, turning around. This was his second mistake, as Harvey took no time to kick the ball back so it made rude contact with the Joker's head.

"You'd better WATCH IT, Two Face!" he growled, turning around and stalking towards Harvey.

"Let's flip for it, Clown Boy!"

"I'll flip you!"

"Your jokes aren't funny!"

"Hear hear!" the Riddler piped in. The Joker swiftly punched him in the side of the head, and continued to advance on Harvey.

"You're an IGNORAMUS," the Joker yelled back at Harvey, who scowled.

"Yeah? Try Clown Prince of RETARTED!"

"WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT SO WE CAN PLAY?" Harley screamed. Apparently she was quite the soccer fiend. But they both ignored her. The two of them were inches away from tearing viscously into each other, when Harley kicked the ball into the woods in frustration.

"Well _that'll _take ten minutes to find," the Riddler scowled angrily.

"Well we'll flip for it." Harvey said through gritted teeth. "Heads you go in there and find it, tails I _kill you_."

"Come on, you two, is that productive behavior?" the coach said, stepping between them.

"It is if he ends up dead." Harvey snarled. The Riddler cocked his fist, and Harvey prepared to retaliate.

After about ten minutes of bickering between teams, the ball was found and the game could start again. The coach held it up in the air between the Riddler and the Joker, both squaring off again at the middle line. The Riddler was tall and lanky, but the Joker was tall and strong, not to mention extremely angry, so everyone was keeping a wide radius around him, trying to avoid being decimated by his wrath. And he had a lot of anger to express, it was written on his face, and this made most of the participants very nervous, especially the Riddler, who was already nervous about the game itself.

He wasn't technically afraid of soccer, per se. He was more afraid of the repercussions of playing soccer with a handful of other maniacs who were all bigger and stronger than he was. He didn't really want to be sent down to surgery with a soccer ball planted in the side of his head.

The whistle blew, and the Joker, who didn't even want to play in the first place, let the Riddler get the ball and charge with it, but as he passed by, the Joker stuck his foot out and tripped him so the ground met harshly with his face. The Joker cracked up in hysterics, and fell on the ground laughing. His laughter sparked some of the other less stable patients to laugh with him, and soon the whole crowd was in hysteria.

"Owww, hey!" the Riddler whined, getting up from the ground.

"Oh, I didn't mean to. Look at that. My mistake," the Joker grinned, picking up the ball and whipping it at the Scarecrow, who didn't see it coming and crumpled on the ground.

"Double foul!" the coach said, blowing on her whistle. Again, the man afraid of the whistle started crying again and rolled back up onto the ground.

"Joker, would you stop messing around so we can play?" Harvey yelled from back in the goal post. The interesting part about this was that Harvey and the Joker were in all actuality best friends, or as best of friends two super villains could possibly be. But since both of them were both prone to anger and hysteria, they fought. A lot.

"Why don't you stick it up your butt?" the Joker asked sweetly, smiling at him. Harvey scowled but let it alone. The ball was given to the Riddler, who tried to pass it to Poison Ivy, but she was sitting down, petting the grass.

"God damn Ivy, stand up and be attentive!"

"The grass was sad." She pouted.

The Riddler groaned. "Ivy, how can…"

"All you thugs were stepping on him, and he got sad so I was making him feel better."

"_Him_?" the Riddler asked, exasperated. "Ivy, picture this. If you had seven kumquats in a whiskey bath, what would they say if you added three octopuses with nine legs?"

"Hey! If you gotta problem with her, then you've gotta problem with me!" Harley yelled, getting in the Riddler's face.

"Harley, this doesn't concern you." He sighed, pushing her out of the way.

"Don't you push me, if you know what's good for ya," she yelped, but the Joker grabbed her wrist and pulled her away.

"Harley, don't get involved."

"Says who?"

"Says me." He said, attempting a soothing voice. "Just stay here."

"I'll stay with you always."

"That's not what I…"

"I love you too, puddin'," she said, wrapping her arms around him. He groaned.

"Okay! Let's get this party started!" the coach yelled. "Apparently, you guys don't know how to play soccer. So I'm going to teach you the fundamentals before we get a real game started."

"FUNdamentals!" Harley cried, clapping.

"That's the spirit!" the coach said. "Now, I want you to all come over here and get a soccer ball and line up on this line."

The Scarecrow raised his hand.

"Harvey is afraid of lines."

"You said you wouldn't tell anyone!" Harvey yelled.

"I have no restraint." He smirked. Harvey sighed, and unwillingly joined the line between the Riddler and the Joker.

"Now, I want you all to dribble your ball up to your cone, go around it, and come back."

"What's a dribble?"

"What's three pigeon ears plus one and half homemade pies filled with pomegranate juice?" the Riddler shrugged. "No one knows. It is the unsolvable riddle."

"When you dribble, you kick the ball with your feet." The coach explained, ignoring the Riddler.

"So…we kick it to the cone, and kick it back?" the Joker asked. "Why didn't you just say that?"

"You are a bunch of morons," Harley said, bouncing her ball up and down on one knee. "Do it like this…"

And she dropped the ball to the ground, and quite expertly maneuvered it around her cone and back. The coach clapped.

"I think I know who our MVP is!"

"YAY!"

"I wanna be MVP!" the man afraid of loud noises whined. The Scarecrow scoffed.

"You don't even know what that is."

"It's a kind of juice, right?"

"MVP means the most awesome and important person on the team." Harley smirked. "And that's me. So HA!"

The Joker suppressed a snigger. She glared at him.

"Mistah J, you wish you was as good as me."

"Wish I were, Harley. Wish I _were_."

"Stop correcting my grammar!"

"Weren't you a doctor once? Shouldn't you be smart?"

"I _am_ smart, thank you very much. And aren't you a clown? Shouldn't you be funny?"

"Harley, you dress up like a _jester_. Shouldn't _you_ be funny?"

"I am funny. I can juggle."

"Juggling isn't funny."

Harvey came up between the two of them and put his arms around both of them.

"Ah, a lover's spat." He said in a mockingly warm tone. "Listen to you two. Don't do this to yourselves."

"Our first fight," Harley said coyly, smiling sweetly at the Joker, who curled his lip.

"Oh, there's plenty more where that came from." The Joker said, scowling.

"I want everybody to try and dribble now!" the coach said, blowing her whistle. The man afraid of the whistle finally snapped, and burst into tears and ran away into the distance, screaming.

"About time." Someone muttered.

But when the patients tried to replicate what Harley had done so skillfully, the results were quite hilarious. The Riddler got about two feet before tripping on his ball and falling over, Ivy popped her ball with a particularly large thorn protruding out of her foot, and the Scarecrow kept kicking at it but missing. With all of this hilarity unveiling before his eyes, the Joker could no longer contain himself and burst into laughter, and was so beside himself that he fell onto the ground and began hyperventilating.

With this, a team of paramedics had to come and haul him away so he could be properly subdued.

The coach stood there, with what she had hoped to be an inspiring story of coming together for the joy of sport, falling apart before her eyes. And then she realized how crazy it all was.

A soccer team? With not only the mentally ill, but the criminally insane?

And so she too left, throwing the pinnies on the ground.

"I give up," she called back to them. "Keep fighting, what do I care. I don't care if you never learn the importance of team work."

Everyone looked up from the ground at her retreating back.

"Well then," Harvey said, picking himself up off the ground and helping up the Riddler and the Scarecrow. "That's her out of our hair,"

"Finally," Ivy said, brushing her hair back.

There was silence for a while.

"Want to play?" the Riddler suggested.

Harvey shrugged. "Sure."

And they played. Was it a calm game, with no kinks or fights? Of course not. But did they eventually come together and work as a team? Yes. Even Harvey.

Did they learn anything?

Only one thing-

Nothing could be achieved when the Joker was around. As Poison Ivy pointed out, as soon as he left, everything picked up. And he had instigated most of the fights that had broken out earlier.

So they all vowed to ignore the Joker and isolate him for the rest of his stay in Arkham, which wasn't what the coach had wanted to achieve with the soccer game at all. For they didn't learn teamwork, and they definitely didn't learn good sportsmanship.

All they learned was how to piss of the Joker more than usual.

Which, of course, would come to no good in the end.


	2. Art

It was a beautiful summer's day in Gotham City. Unfortunately, the inmates of Arkham Asylum were locked inside. Poison Ivy sat next to her window, looking longingly up at the sunlight that she so needed to survive. In fact, she was about as close to the glass as she could be.

"Harley, I can't stand this anymore!" she moaned, looking down at the green grass growing so luxuriously and out of sight.

"Ivy, it's so hot in here," Harley whined, leaning up against the wall and fanning herself. "Can we shut the drapes?"

"NO!"

"Okay, okay…" she groaned, flopping over on the floor. "But will you clean me up when I melt all over the floor?"

Ivy was about to break down the window and jump out into the wonderful sunlight, when the cell door was slid open.

"Time for art class!" came the voice of a cheery nurse. Harley clapped and sprang to her feet, skipping out of the hallway. Ivy looked back at the window for a second, but walked out of the cell anyway.

"Is it outside?" she asked hopefully. The nurse shook her head.

"Sorry dear, it's in the rec room today."

"There aren't any windows in the rec room!"

The nurse shrugged. "Oh well."

Slowly, the other villains of Arkham began to emerge from their cells, looking particularly grumpy.

"I hate art." The Riddler whined, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Harvey Dent looked at him with great question.

"Hey Riddler, is that a nightcap?"

"What?"

The Scarecrow reached up, and pulled the nightcap off of the Riddler's head and showed it to him. It was green with purple question marks on it.

"Oh. Yes. It is, in fact, a nightcap."

"Girl."

"I am not a girl!"

"Can we stop it and get on with art or water polo or whatever we're being forced to do today?" the Joker said irritably, pulling Harvey back by the sleeve.

"Yeah. And besides, when you have two nightcaps, what would they say if you fed one of them three grapes and the other one a pineapple?"

"Um, I don't know. Three quarts of shut the hell up?" Harvey suggested. The Riddler scowled.

As the nurse led them down the hallway to the rec center, the Riddler was unraveling his newest riddle to those who were listening. Which was, to say, nobody.

"Get this. A hitchhiker walks up to a cave, right? And he has three dollars and five lollipops. But when he goes _into _the cave, he finds that he now has only _two_ dollars, and _seven_ lollipops, which are all salmon flavored. What happened?"

Everybody groaned, except for Harley, who cocked her head thoughtfully.

"Well, I would say that when he entered the cave, he dropped a dollar, and when he went back to go get it, the goblin that lives in the cave with his salmon flavored lollipops ran by, and they got stuck to his trousers. Meanwhile, the other regular flavored lollipops got contaminated by the salmon and are therefore now considered to be indeed salmon flavored lollipops."

Everyone, especially the Joker, looked at her with open mouths.

"What?" she shrugged. "I'm smart. I went to Harvard, don't you forget."

"You're amazing." The Riddler breathed. "Please be my new sidekick."

"Aw, you're sweet." She said, patting him on the face. "But I'm all Mistah J's."

"Take her, please." The Joker said in a hopeful tone.

"Can I really?"

"No, Mistah J, we're partners in crime!" she pouted, wrapping her arms around him from behind. He walked faster.

Ivy scowled. "Harley, he doesn't even care about you. When are you going to wake up and realize it?"

"Mistah J loves me, don't ya, puddin'?"

"No."

"See?" she beamed at Ivy, who rolled her eyes.

"Okay, here we are!" the nurse called, ushering them into the rec room. "Everyone find an easel!"

Ivy looked around, and saw that there was indeed a window in the rec room, which she did not know. Picking up the nearest easel, she walked over to the window and set it down next to it. Harley set hers up next to her, Harvey between Harley and the Joker, and the Riddler between the Joker and the Scarecrow so they came full circle.

"The light is really bright," the Scarecrow commented, blinking rapidly. "I can't see my easel."

"We'll just shut the blinds," the nurse said, walking over to the window, but Ivy growled and lashed a thorny tendril at the nurse, who backed off. "Or we can leave it the way it is."

"But I can't see."

"Turn your easel around then, idiot." Harvey muttered.

"What was that?"

"I said, turn your easel around, you GOD DAMN MORON!"

"Don't be mean to him," The Riddler put in. "Or I will tell you another riddle."

That shut Harvey up pretty effectively.

"All right every one, I want you all to paint something that you feel. Whatever emotion it is that you…yes, Joker?"

"Is hilarity an emotion?"

"Um…no. We're aiming more for happy, or sad, or…Harvey?"

"I don't feel emotions."

"Of course you do, everyone does."

"He really doesn't," the Joker interjected. "He is made of stone."

"It's true, I am."

"Just…whatever comes to you then. Emotion, ambition, desires…just paint anything."

Harley raised her hand. "I'm done."

"How can you be…"

"When you were chattering, I finished."

"Oh, well let me see then," the nurse said, bustling over. She would collect everything they had painted in the class and send them to the lab for further analysis, to further analyze the patients and try to cure them as best as possible.

Of course, Harley, having been a doctor at Arkham in the past, knew that this was what they were doing. She even worked in the analysis lab. Hell, she analyzed the Joker for a while. She didn't let on usually, but she was pretty smart.

"Harley, this is…"

"I know." She grinned. She had painted a graphic picture of her least favorite doctor stabbing her repeatedly in the back. The particular doctor was her coworker at one point, but he was also the one who had put her in Arkham once she went off the deep end. So she wasn't fond of him.

"What emotion did you have in mind, exactly, when you painted this?" the nurse asked, stepping away from Harley a bit.

"I don't know. Probably euphoria."

"Euphoria?"

"Yep."

"Do you know what that even means?"

"I HAVE A PHD!"

"Oh. Right. Very well," the nurse said, collecting Harley's "artwork" and putting it behind her desk. Harley smirked, and began her next work of art.

"I'm done." Harvey said, raising his hand. The Riddler let out a whine.

"I don't even know what to paint yet!"

"Then just paint a question mark," Harley suggested, her forearms slathered in paint.

"That…is…A GREAT IDEA!" he said, jumping up and down, clapping his hands. Harvey rolled his eyes. The Joker scowled in response.

"That is really gross. You have a giant freaking eyeball."

"Yeah. And whose fault is that?"

"I'm trigger happy."

"I noticed."

"I think it looks better."

"One- screw you, I don't care. Two, get over here and LOOK AT MY PAINTING!"

"Harvey…this isn't an emotion." The nurse said, peering over his shoulder. "It's a self portrait."

"And a damn fine one, at that."

"It's…interesting."

The portrait was, in fact, a nude portrait of him among a bed of flowers. Harvey beamed proudly, as the Joker dipped his brush into a glob of purple paint and slapped it over a most convenient place.

"Please. There are children here."

"No there aren't, idiot."

"Um, hello?" he said, gesturing to Harley, who sneered.

"I ain't no child, Mistah J, and you of all people oughtta know that."

"Harley? Can I ask you a question?" the Joker asked mildly.

"Anything, puddin',"

"If you went to Harvard…why is it that you cannot speak?"

She responded by flinging paint on him so it got into his hair. Incidentally, some of the paint met an unsuspecting victim- Harvey,

"MY HAIR!"

"Don't you mean…my rotten and exposed skull! My rotten and exposed skull!" the Joker leered, prancing around in a mocking manner. Harley giggled.

Harvey then dumped his entire paint supply over the Joker's head, who sputtered for a moment.

"I know what my painting is going to depict now," the Joker said after a while. "Your head up your ASS."

"Yeah? Well my painting is of your head up YOUR ASS!"

"Ooh, original," the Scarecrow piped in, idly painting brushstrokes on his canvas.

"I'll give you original." The Joker sneered. "Hmm. Who will my evil identity be? Let me just pop in The Wizard of Oz and THINK ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE."

"Yeah," Harvey interjected. "Why don't you pick someone with a brain, idiot?"

"Don't gang up on me," the Scarecrow said defensively. "This was a fight between you two."

Harvey pointed a gnarled finger at the Scarecrow. "One, in times of trouble, stick with your numero uno. Two, I will tell everyone _your_ biggest fear."

The Scarecrow's eyes went wide.

"That's right, Crane." The Joker grinned. "And I'll use whatever it is against you."

"You actually can't," Harvey muttered out of the side of his mouth,

"What?"

"It's not really…something you can use."

"How so?"

"Well, you're not…"

"HEY!" the Scarecrow yelled. "No fair! I don't even know your fear yet," he whined, pointing to the Joker.

"I have no fears."

"Funny, that's our next subject!" the nurse called. "I want you all to paint your fears on the canvas before you."

"I'm not done." The Riddler said. "I was writing my latest riddle."

"I thought you were painting a question mark," Ivy commented idly, painting in large orange circles again and again, depicting the thing she longed for the most- the sun.

"I was. I did the dot see?" he told her, turning his canvas around. Harley wasn't paying any attention to this, she was painting a detailed portrait of the Joker.

"Everybody, show everyone your painting of emotions."

"The Joker befouled mine." Harvey said, turning his painting around, and pointing to the purple splotch. Ivy raised an eyebrow.

"That's rude."

"You know what's rude, Ivy?" he asked, curling his lip. "You."

"Well played." She said shortly in a mocking tone. "I only wish you could see the effect of your words on my insides. Oh, how they toss and turn before you."

"I am irresistibly attractive."

"YEAH you are, puddin'!"

"I didn't ask you, Harley."

"Mr. Nigma? What have you got for us?" the nurse asked, putting Harvey's painting behind her desk.

"It's a question mark. It represents my emotions because sometimes I don't know what emotion I am feeling and I often get confused by the world and my thoughts aren't straight. Also I am the Riddler and question marks are my thing. And also, I didn't know what to paint." He paused. "And it was Harley's idea. She's really smart. And pretty. Oops. Sorry."

"Ain't nothin'," she said, waving her hand in the air and blushing. Ivy smirked. He wasn't great, but he was better than that lowlife, the Joker.

"Wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Mr. Crane, what have you for us?"

He turned it around. "It's a pie chart of all the emotions that are affected by fear. If you look at this graph…"

"That's not a painting, it's a…"

"It was done with paint." He said indignantly. "I was a professor. I look at things analytically."

"Yeah, smart people!" Harley said, pumping her fist in the air. The Riddler smiled.

"Very well…" the nurse said. "Ivy?"

"It's the sun. I painted it because I was sad that I couldn't go outside where the sun was. Incidentally, did you know that I am an autotroph and actually require sunlight to live? And, as an institution, you are required to feed your patients once every six hours?"

"I taught her that." Harley beamed.

"Nobody gets special treatment, Ivy." The nurse said sharply. Ivy sneered back at her. And then the Joker pantsed the Scarecrow, breaking out into raucous laughter.

"That is enough!" the nurse said indignantly. "Mr. Joker, please restrain yourself."

"Ha. And I thought my jokes were funny."

"Your jokes suck." The Scarecrow muttered, pulling his pants back up.

"As if. That was hilarious."

"A little crude, don't you think?"

"Below the belt isn't too low for me."

"I GET IT!" the Riddler roared, slapping his knee suddenly. "THAT WAS FUNNY! You said "below the belt isn't too low for me" because it is literally low on someone's body AND low on the comedic ladder! YOU ARE HILAROUS!"

"Don't beat it to death." The Joker muttered, turning away. "Way to kill it."

"When in Rome," the Riddler shrugged.

"What does that even mean?" the Joker asked.

"I don't know." The Riddler shrugged.

"Then why did you say it?" the Scarecrow asked, still red in the face.

"Hey! This is an AB conversation, so C your way out of it!"

Everybody stared at him blankly.

"Everybody, cease and desist at once! I want you all to paint your greatest fears on your canvas."

Ivy began painting the depiction of her fear like the nurse had directed. It was her, in a pot, wilted.

Harvey was busy creating a picture of himself as an old man. Meanwhile. Harley was on her sixth painting. For some reason, she was a prodigy of the arts. This time, she was painting a vivid portrait of the cell, hoping to get a movement on redecoration. It was actually quite haunting.

"I don't have a fear." The Joker said, raising his hand. "How am I supposed to paint something I don't have?"

"Yeah, um…I don't have one either." The Scarecrow pointed out.

"Liar. I know!" Harvey said, raising his hand. "How about we all paint someone else's fears?"

The nurse considered this. If everyone painted someone else's fears, then the people in the lab could analyze what they thought of each other, and how they thought they could antagonize each other to greater effect.

"Good idea, Harvey!" she said. "Everyone? I want you to pick someone and paint a picture of their worst fear. If you don't know it, I want you to consider them and think about what their greatest fear _might_ be."

"I CALL MISTAH J!"

"Wonderful." He muttered.

"Good, Harley. I want you all to pick someone different, so voice your decisions before you start painting."

"I already started," the Riddler whined. "Nobody else do Harley."

"No problem." The Joker smiled. "I'll do Ivy."

"Like hell you will," Harvey said, flexing his arm. "You do Scarecrow, I've got Ivy."

"I hate the Joker," the Scarecrow moaned. "He won't get me right at all."

"Don't you know Scarecrow's greatest fear anyway, Harvey?" the Joker asked.

"Yeah…"

"So if you do _him_…"

"What are you getting at, exactly?"

"Are you a MORON? If you paint his greatest fear, then you _expose it to all of us_."

"Oh yeah! Good idea."

The Joker patted him on the back and started studying Ivy, who scowled.

"You get your eyes off me, you rotten clown."

Meanwhile, Harley was busy at work. What the room didn't realize was that the Joker _did_, in fact, have a fear. What he didn't realize was that the only person who knew it…was Harley. Because she was a doctor at Arkham for a spell, and assigned to analyze the Joker, she knew everything about him. Smirking, she began to paint.

The Scarecrow, doing the Riddler, grinned. He knew so many of the Riddler's fears, he didn't know where to start.

Ivy looked at Harvey, deep in thought over his painting. The handsome side of his face was contorted in concentration, and she suppressed a smile. The idea had come to her.

"Joker? What is Harley afraid of?" the Riddler asked.

"I think the idea is to come up with something on your own," he muttered, staring blankly at his white canvas. "Not to ask me."

"But I only know her strengths, not her weaknesses," he said, staring at her blatantly. "Her beautiful, beautiful strengths…"

"Woah there, buddy. Kind of encroaching on my woman, there."

"Your woman!?"

"Yeah. Back off."

"You don't even like her," Harvey said, not looking up from his art.

"That…that doesn't matter." The Joker said, waving his hand aside, pointing to the Riddler. "Point being, back off."

"I will not!"

"You'd BETTER!"

"WATCH ME!" the Riddler yelled, pouncing on the Joker, yelling what was supposed to be a ferocious battle cry. "IF I WAS A CAT WITH FIVE PAWS AND THREE LEGS, THEN HOW WOULD YOU…"

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING!"

"SEE IF I CARE!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"I AM NOT SURPRISED!"

Ivy nudged Harley in the side. "Harl, are you watching this?" she asked, scowling, but Harley was starry eyed.

"They're fighting over me," she whispered. "They must really love me."

"The Joker doesn't even like you!" she hissed.

"He has to! Look at him!"

"He just said he didn't, Harl."

"But he's so…"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

"Joker! Nigma! Cut this out immediately!" the nurse yelled, pulling them apart, with the help of Harvey and the Scarecrow.

"I'll KILL you, you inferior being, you!" the Riddler snarled. The Joker responded in the usual way, by bursting into laughter.

"And how…do you…propose…to do…that?" he forced out between laughs.

"Please! Go to opposite sides of the room, now!"

Harley beamed as the Riddler squeezed himself between her and Ivy, who didn't protest. She liked the Riddler well enough, especially as he had just attacked her adversary.

"Can everyone please show me their paintings now?" the nurse said, panting slightly. "We'll go in a circle, starting with you, Ivy."

"I did Harvey."

"Yeah you did."

"I don't get it…" the Riddler asked, looking back and forth between them. Ivy scowled.

"I didn't ask for commentary, thank you very much. Anyway, I painted Harvey's worst fear, which I believe is…"

And she turned her painting around, revealing Harvey with not one, but both sides of his face mutilated. This resulted in quite the surprisingly girlish squeal from the subject himself.

"Dude. Relax." The Scarecrow muttered. "My turn. My painting was of the Riddler, and having the many fears he has, I was forced to pick one and capitalize on it. The result was this."

The words "what is black, white, and red all over?" were scrawled across the top, and under it was the Riddler himself, hands on his head, with a giant question mark over it.

"The inability to solve the simplest of riddles." The Scarecrow explained.

"Um, it's obviously a bloody zebra." The Riddler scoffed.

"I hate you." Harvey said flat out.

"Thank you, for that."

"Don't flatter me."

"Joker? What do you have for us?" the nurse interjected, talking over the arguing men.

"Well, I did Poison Ivy, but, I don't want to show…"

"Please, we won't judge you."

"Now THAT'S funny," Harvey laughed. The Joker scowled, and turned around his canvas.

It was a picture of weed killer torn out of a magazine and taped to the canvas.

"Why is that not a painting, Mr. Joker?" the nurse asked sternly.

"You're so lazy, puddin'." Harley beamed.

"Not all of us are artistically inclined," he said defensively.

"I ain't pokin' fun," she said. "I think it's cute."

"My painting," Harvey interrupted, "is actually a painting. Of the Scarecrow's biggest fear."

"Oooh," the room said in unison, the nurse included. The Scarecrow turned a deep red.

"Harvey Dent, if you so much as…"

"IT'S A UNICORN!" Harvey screamed. "THE SCARECROW IS AFRAID OF UNICORNS!"

"NO!" the Scarecrow cried, sobbing into his hands. "Turn it back around, I can't look at it."

"You're afraid of UNICORNS?" the Joker spat out, an immense laugh boiling inside of him, ready to erupt in a volcanic explosion of hysteria. And when he could contain it no longer, he dropped to the floor in absolute maniacal laughter, and eventually hyperventilated. The nurse called the paramedics, and they had to drag him away so he could be properly subdued.

"Now that that's done with," the nurse sighed with relief. "Harley? What have you for us?"

"Mistah J has no fear," she said solemnly. "But he does have weakness, and I painted something that represents something as fatal as fear itself- the immunity to fear.

"You see," she explained, turning her painting around. "Fear gives you perception, it gives you restraint, and it gives you limits. Mistah J ain't afraid of dyin', so he does reckless things all the time and it's gonna do him in someday. People with fear are gonna be more careful."

The painting itself left everyone's mouths hanging open, It was the Joker, standing on a mountain of destruction with fire raining down on him, his body ablaze, a grin and maniacal glint in his eye.

"Harley! This is wonderful!" the nurse exclaimed. "And how deep!"

"WHY AREN'T I THE BEST?" Harvey screamed, breaking his painting in half over his knee.

"You painted a unicorn," the Riddler explained. "Duh."

"Riddle me this, assface." Harvey growled, "What has an ugly face, a retarded brain, and FOUR BROKEN LIMBS?"

"I…I don't know!" he gasped. "OH NO I CANNOT SOLVE YOUR RIDDLE!"

Harvey just sighed.

"Well, that's it for class today! Great job, everyone!" the nurse said, clapping her hands together like a cheerleader. Ivy reluctantly drew away from the window and filed out of the room with everyone else, while the Riddler tried extremely hard to solve Harvey's "riddle".

"Is it…three leaves and a hockey goalie with no nose?"

"No."

"Is it…a cat who went to the moon and came back to earth and brought the alien gene with him and infected the human race?"

"No."

"Is it…a balloon that was once filled with water but is now filled with pickle juice and pig brains?"

"No."

"Is it…a hall of many doors?"

"NO!!" Harvey screamed. "Get in your cell and SHUT UP!"

"But I want to know the answer!" he whined.

"It's YOU," the Scarecrow yelled. "For god sakes, Riddler, he means YOU!"

"Oh! …what was the riddle again?"

"God, I don't remember," Harvey sighed. "I'm tired." And he went into his cell, and since his cell mate was probably in shock therapy, he slammed the bars shut and turned off the lights and crawled into his bed. Ivy and Harley in turn filed into their cell, and as usual, Ivy gravitated towards the window and tended to her plants while Harley sat in front of the mirror and fixed her hair.

"I like art." Harley said simply, taking her pigtails out and fluffing her hair.

"Why can't we go outside?" Ivy moaned, looking at her skin and wrinkling her nose. It had turned from a vivid healthy green to a pale, lima bean color. She groaned and slid slowly to the floor.

But if there was one thing she had learned today-

Next time, just break the window.


	3. Band

Music was the true cure.

And the nurse knew that.

Whether she could make the patients of Arkham know that or not was a different matter.

After all, if music be the food of sanity, play on.

But Harvey Dent had no food. And he had had no food for quite a while, so he was getting quite cranky. Which was dangerous, as one could imagine. He was protesting the poor quality of the Arkham food, and had not eaten for at least one day. And he was even more volatile than usual, causing tension in the already mental ward.

But the nurse believed that music could cure all of their strife and sanity. And with music, she would heal them for life.

She was going to make the Arkham Band. And it would be an inspiration to the world- six maniacs coming together for the joy and love of music, thus curing their insanity and providing for the community. It was going to be beautiful.

The six chosen inmates were standing in the newly dubbed music room before a pile of instruments, with blank looks on their faces.

"What do you get when you brush your teeth and play the tuba at the same time?" the Riddler asked to the room.

"A tube of toothpaste?"

"No. A piccolo. Duh." He replied, rolling his eyes. "Geez."

"Alright," the nurse in charge announced. "I want you all to pick an instrument that you want to play."

"I don't believe in music," the Scarecrow said, raising his hand. The nurse blinked.

"You…don't believe in music?"

"No, I don't. May I abstain from the activities?"

"Everyone, I want you to pick an instrument before you and assemble yourselves accordingly." She said, ignoring the Scarecrow's comment. "Anything you want."

"I don't know what I want to play…" Harley said, bouncing up and down.

"Heads you play the drums, tails you play the violin. I'll take the other," Harvey said, balancing the coin on his thumb. "Man, I'm starved…"

"Okay!" Harley exclaimed. "I love games."

"Heads!"

"YAY! I LOVE the violin!" she cried, clapping her hands and bouncing up and down.

"I see no electric guitar," the Joker said. Harley, meanwhile, was twirling a violin bow on her nimble fingers.

"Aw, Mistah J, give up the dream. It ain't gonna happen."

"What dream?" Harvey asked, interested.

"He wants to be a rock star." Harley said, patting his shoulder.

"No I don't!" he said indignantly. "I said it would be _cool_. Not that it's what I wanted."

"I have a band name for you," Poison Ivy suggested. "The assface jerk heads."

"I like that!" Harley said. "It's edgy."

"There's an acoustic guitar,' the Riddler offered. "Or a cello."

"I don't know how to play the cello." The Joker scoffed.

"I will teach you!" the nurse said, handing him the bow. He scowled, and easily picked up the massive instrument and carried in one handed to the back of the room. Harley swooned.

"He's so _strong_," she said, batting her eyes. Ivy snorted. Harvey, meanwhile, had set himself up in the percussion area, where there was a drum set, several woodblocks, a gong, and various miscellaneous percussion instruments, one of which he was tapping anxiously. The Riddler was clutching a flute.

"A flute? Really?" Harvey asked him, ready for a fight.

"I played it in high school," he said defensively. "And I'll have you know that I am very good."

"Mr. Crane? What are you going to be playing?"

"I told you, I don't believe in music." He said, crossing his arms.

"Then you can play the keyboard." She said, steering him over to the keyboard while he scowled. "Miss Ivy? What are you going to play?"

"This blade of grass," she said, holding it up.

"You can't play that," the nurse said. "How about a pan flute?"

"No, I'm playing a flute!" the Riddler protested. "Riddle me this- how would you feel if three wise men came up to you with two jars of gold and a mystery box, and you picked the mystery box and it had a coupon to McDonalds in it? I'll tell you the answer to this riddle- awful. I hate McDonalds. It is useless to me. As is a pan flute."

"I like the sound that the grass makes," Ivy said firmly, standing her ground. "And I want to play it."

"Let her play the grass," the Joker said, patting her shoulder.

"Don't touch me." She sneered, jerking her arm away. "It won't make me like you."

"Just give it time," he smirked, twisting a piece of her hair around his finger. She scowled and stalked away from him. He sighed. He didn't even like her. In fact, he disliked her a lot. But it bothered him that she didn't like him.

He was one of those people that needed to be liked. And all of the other villains idolized him. So he didn't understand why she didn't.

"Puddin', give it a rest, she don't like you." Harley said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I still like you."

"Hoorah."

"Alright, everyone has their instruments, lets all assemble."

"I don't understand this contraption," the Scarecrow said, looking down at the keyboard, quite perplexed. Harley raised her hand.

"Exactly what sort of band is this?" she asked. "I mean, we have a string section, a keyboard, a drum set, a flute, and a piece of grass."

"Can we name our band "Insanity for Two?" Harvey asked, raising his hand.

"Why would we do that?" the Joker asked, turning around.

"Um, I am the key to the band. Me- Harvey Dent! Two Face! Insanity for two!"

"I think it should be- Riddles Aplenty."

"That is retarded." Harvey said, his lack of food pressing on his nerves.

"Guys, I wanna play…" Harley whined, tuning her violin. "Mistah J, play your tuning note…"

"I don't know what that is."

"What key is it in?"

"The hell I know."

Ivy was in the corner, idly buzzing her grass. The Scarecrow was still looking down at the keyboard, quite perplexed.

"I still don't get this."

"Alright everybody, I'm passing out music to you now." The nurse said. "This piece is titled 'Mary Had a Little Lamb', which is very simple. It only has a few notes, and has a simple melody."

Meanwhile, Harley was playing a symphony on her violin, while the Riddler gaped open mouthed at her. The Joker scowled, pulling the bow across his strings in an attempt to make some sort of music.

It did not work.

"Let's PLAY SOMETHING!" Harvey yelled, banging very loudly on the bass drum.

"Harvey, just because you haven't eaten for one stupid day, doesn't give you the right to go crazy." The Joker said. "If I can keep my cool, for god sakes, YOU CAN."

"Yeah, well, I'm hungry."

"We know." He growled. "Now please. Shush."

"Riddle me this-" the Riddler said, holding up a finger. "When two people come at an impasse, where can the one not go?"

"Where!? For god sakes, where!? We are all DYING TO KNOW!" Harvey screamed.

"Neither can move until the other gives. Think about that for a while."

There was silence for a while.

"That was…actually a pretty good one," Ivy said, looking up. "Where did that come from?"

The Riddler opened his mouth to answer, then sighed.

"Internet," he admitted. The Scarecrow banged angrily on the keyboard.

"What can I believe in now?"

"My cause against poor cafeteria food!" Harvey yelled. "I have pins and everything!"

"Nobody cares." Ivy yelled. "Can we move on and play something?"

"Okay everyone, from the top!" the nurse said, raising her hands. "One, two…"

"I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THIS!" the Joker and the Scarecrow yelled in unison.

"Here," Harley groaned, taking the cello from the Joker. "Play it like this…"

And she swiftly played him a few bars of Mozart and threw it back into his hands.

"Okay. Because that makes sense." He said, holding on the instrument awkwardly. "You know what I can play? The tuba. Is there one of those?"

"No! You're my strings buddy!" Harley said, rubbing his cheek. "We gotta stick together! I'll help you along the way."

"Well that's great, but I'm lost." The Scarecrow said. "Did you realize that there are like, a million buttons on this thing?"

"It's easy," Ivy said, stroking her grass and putting it behind her ear. "The keys are organized in several sets of scales, each an octave higher than the first, consisting of eight basic notes with chromatics…"

"I have an idea." He said, raising his hand. "Ivy plays this thing, and _I _play the grass."

"No!" she said defensively, clutching it in her hands.

"Fine, Just don't expect me to be good."

"FOR GOD SAKES!" Harley screamed, marching over to him. "Just do THIS."

And she plunked out Mary Had a Little Lamb on the keyboard rather aggressively, ending it with smashing her hands down on the keys. The Scarecrow looked rather frightened, but nodded fervently as she marched back to her violin.

"Harley, please calm yourself. Count backwards to ten."

She clenched her teeth, but seemed to do it all the same, for after a few seconds, the red drained back out her cheeks and she exhaled rather heavily.

"Now what do we say?" the nurse asked.

"Sorry, Scarecrow."

"What's his name again?" the nurse probed. Harley huffed.

"Sorry, _Crane_."

Harvey, in his impatience, whaled on the gong, leaving a deafening ringing in everyone's ears.

"Alright every one, it seems you're getting itchy to play, so on three- one, and two and…"

It is hard to describe the sound that followed, but it is best written as-

WAAAAH BLA FLAAAAAMER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WAAAAAA BLA FLAAAAAAAMER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Man, we SUCK!" Harvey yelled, throwing his tambourine at the window,

"I just don't see what is so funny about Mary Had a Little Lamb," Ivy scowled at the Joker, who had laughed throughout the entire thing.

"If you we're playing this thing, you'd think it was pretty funny too." He said defensively. The Riddler was still trilling the ending note on his flute.

"I think it would be best if we could hear it in parts," Harley suggested. "And then you can go over them with each of us and _then_ we can try and put it together."

"Yay. More chance for them to know how bad I am at this," the Scarecrow frowned, still looking puzzled at his keyboard.

"Good idea, Harley!" the nurse said. "Okay then, lets hear you first."

And she started to play, but what she was playing didn't look like the notes on the page to the Joker. It was Mary Had a Little Lamb, but a lot more complicated than it looked. She was adding notes all over the place, and it actually sounded quite remarkable.

"Where did you learn to play like that?" the nurse gaped at her when she was done. Harley shrugged.

"I did the Suzuki method." She said. "It comes naturally."

"Are you good at everything?" Harvey asked loudly from his place at the drums.

"I don't know," she sneered. "Ask your dead fiancée."

"That was cold." He whispered.

"Mr. Nigma, could we hear you?" the nurse asked, talking over Harley and Harvey, sensing a fight was going to break out.

"It would be my pleasure." He said, bowing. Everyone except Harley rolled their eyes. And he brought the flute to his lips and played a quite lovely, if not simple rendition of Mary Had a Little Lamb. Meanwhile, the Scarecrow had been pushing buttons on his keyboard, and suddenly, his eyes lit up, a giant smile spreading over his face.

"I'm so glad you like my music," the Riddler beamed at him, seeing the smile and thinking it was aimed at him.

"What? Oh, yeah, it's lovely. Can I go next?"

"Of course!" the nurse beamed. "Do you think you learned how?"

"I think so," he grinned. And he too began to play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the keyboard, with chords and a mysterious rhythm in the background he didn't appear to be playing.

"Marvelous!" the nurse clapped when he was done. "How did you pick that up so quickly?"

"Something just clicked," he shrugged, still grinning. The Joker shot him a puzzled look, to which he just smiled and waved.

"Here is my song." Harvey said, picking up a pair of drumsticks. On every syllable he sang, he beat something with them, whether it was the gong, the snare, or the Riddler's head. But it worked. As long as it was in the tempo, it worked. Although, instead of singing the Mary Had a Little Lamb, he sang this instead-

"Arkham had some crappy food, crappy food, crappy food!

Arkham had some crappy food, and Harvey is hungry!

It was so gross we all puked, we all puked, we all puked!

It was so gross we all puked, and it looked more edible!

Then I didn't eat for days, eat for days, eat for days!

Then I didn't eat for days, and now I am CRANKY!"

"Harvey, is everything today going to be about the food issue?" Ivy asked him.

"I am starving," he whined, leaning over his music stand.

"I know. But don't take it out on us," the Joker added.

"I have to agree with him." Ivy shrugged. Harvey scowled.

The nurse didn't even bother with Ivy, who was humming quietly to herself in the corner. So she moved on to the Joker, who looked quite displeased.

"You don't want to hear me play this thing." He said firmly, clenching the bow with white knuckles, a sour look on his face.

"Aww, Mistah J, you can't be good at everything like me," Harley said, patting him on the head. He scowled.

"Just try it for us." The nurse encouraged.

He grimaced, and lifted the bow to the strings, and created a sound that sounded something like a drowning cat being scraped across a brick wall.

"And THERE'S the edge we need," Harvey exclaimed, banging his hand on the tom. "Right there."

"It's not supposed to be edgy, Harvey," Ivy said, looking up from her grass. "It's supposed to be sweet and simple."

"Just like Harley," the Riddler smiled. She however, did not.

"How many times do I have to remind you morons that I have A PHD!?"

"As many times as you like," the Joker said, absently plucking the cello strings. "We still won't remember. Or care."

"I care!" the Riddler said, raising his hand. She just scowled, but winked at him when the Joker turned around.

"Okay! Can we try it again?" the nurse asked, raising her conducting hand.

The song started, and though it was rough, it went fairly well. That is, until the Riddler accidentally played a wrong note.

"Riddler?" Harvey asked through clenched teeth.

"Um…yes?" he asked, peering at him over his music stand.

"What was that note?"

"It looks like a…B flat, Harvey."

"Exactly. So why did you play a B NATURAL?"

"It was an accident! There are a lot of keys on a flute, and…"

"Yeah yeah, your instrument is harder. Cry me a river."

"Riddle me this, Harvey my friend. When two friends fight…"

"We aren't friends."

"Oh. Yeah. Well then, if…if…damn it, I do not have a riddle for this situation!"

"I am so SAD!"

Ivy looked between them from her corner, and rolled her eyes and went back to humming on her grass.

"How about this, Riddler- heads, I don't kill you. Tails, you get stuffed into this snare drum and I play YOU instead while I shove the crappy Arkham food down your riddling throat!"

"That sounds like no fun."

"It's not supposed to be fun. That's the idea." Harvey said through clenched teeth.

"I'm having fun!" Harley said, raising her hand. The Joker reached for her arm and put it back down.

"You're holding my hand." She grinned.

"No I'm not. I'm trying to end this stupid argument, and you are not helping. Harvey gets _really_ mad when he's hungry."

"I love you too, Mistah J!"

"Everyone, please settle down." The nurse said, clapping her hands.

"What are we, five?" the Scarecrow asked her derisively.

"Yeah, what are we, FIVE?" Harvey screamed. The nurse shook her finger at him, and he quieted but still scowled.

"Please start again from the beginning, and try to accept it when your peers make minor mistakes."

"It was a pretty big mistake," Harvey grumbled, but remained silent otherwise. The Joker let out a brief giggle, but was silenced from the piercing glare of the nurse, who was, incidentally, his shock therapist.

"I've got you on Monday," she said, wagging her finger at him. "And if you think you can get away with some stunt without me adding some voltage, you are _wrong_."

The Joker bit his lip. He was a sucker for temptation.

So, of course, as soon as they started playing, he used the boutonnière on his jacket to squirt both the nurse and the Riddler in the eyes with acid.

"AHHHHHHH!" they both screamed, the Riddler rolling around on the ground and clawing at his eyes, the nurse pounding on her conductor's stand. Harvey and the Joker air high-fived, while the Joker's entire body was overcome with roaring laughter that came crashing out of him like an avalanche of hysteria. Harley laughed too, but didn't quite lose herself as he did, and Ivy just shook her head and sat down in the back.

"Mr. Joker," the nurse panted. "That is entirely unacceptable."

"Oh please. You know it was hilarious."

"For who?" the Riddler asked, climbing back onto his chair, his eyes watering.

"Me, who else?" the Joker cried, now making an attempt to calm himself.

"Everybody simmer down," the nurse said, holding her head in her hands. "Now. Let's try this one more time. Please."

Everybody looked at each other, and decided that maybe it was time to try something for real. And for a while, it was actually pretty decent. Until an awful screeching noise escaped out of the Riddler's flute.

A woodblock flew into the side of his head.

"DAMN YOU AND YOUR C FLATS!" Harvey screamed at him, kicking a hole through the bass drum.

"You're damaging…" the nurse tried to put in, but Harley stepped boldly into the fray before she could get a chance.

"There is no such thing as a C FLAT!" she screamed back.

"Actually, there is, it's a B natural…" the Riddler interjected, but Harley turned on him.

"You're the one that wants me to like you and you're _arguing with me?_"

"No…"

"If you read the damn key signature, it CLEARLY says B FLAT. FLAT!!!!" Harvey yelled. "Damn, I am STARVING TO DEATH!"

"Everyone, please, settle…"

"You guys are just jealous that you aren't as good as I am." The Scarecrow said, now somehow playing Greensleeves on the keyboard with what sounded like a full orchestra.

"You liar, you found the pre-recorded songs." Harley spat. "Cheater. Do it right."

"I can't!" he yelled back defensively. "It's really hard!"

"Maybe, for a CHILD!"

Harvey screamed again, this time pushing a timpani over to the ground with a deafening crash. This caused the Joker to break into hysterics.

"Hey!" The Riddler yelled. "If I were a timpani with only two wheels, then I was doused in gasoline and set on fire…"

Harvey then sent the Joker's cello crashing down on the Riddler's head, the cello splintering into bits. The Riddler crumpled onto the floor, causing the Joker to laugh even harder.

"I am SICK OF THIS!" the nurse screamed. There was dead silence. She was heaving, her eyes alight with fury. "Of all of the dingbats that have tried to come here and heal you, I was sure I was going to be the victor. But NO! You are UNCURABLE! SICK! Sick, I tell you, SICK!"

There was a pause.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the Joker roared. "You thought you could _heal _us? Seriously? Oh god…AHAHAHA…"

"Even I think that's ridiculous," the Riddler said solemnly. "If a talking goat that looked like Conan O'Brien came up to you and told you someone died, would you laugh? Of course. Because he looks like Conan O'Brien. And that's what you just did."

The nurse snapped her baton in half and chucked it at him, which made the Joker laugh even harder, a roaring, deafening laugh. Even Harley had her fingers in her ears.

When, of course, the team of paramedics had to come and take him away so he could be properly subdued.

They also, incidentally, had to take the nurse away, who had resorted to flinging things around the room in frustration, leaving just Harvey, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harley, and Ivy left in the room alone.

"See, you have to know when to stop," Harvey said, shaking his head. "There's a fine line between volatile and just plain over dramatic." He stopped for a second, his chest heaving, his eyes un-focusing.

"Oh, Harvey." Harley said, patting his arm. "You don't look so good…"

Ivy looked at him, and saw that his face was paper white. He propped his elbow up on his music stand, his steadiness quavering a bit.

"Harvey, are you…"

But Harley couldn't finish this sentence, for he fainted right there on the spot, crashing into the bass drum. Now, Harvey was a big guy. Just like the Joker, he was tall and broad, a huge mass of muscle and power. So when he fell into the bass drum, he completely smashed it, and since the room was on risers, kept tumbling down the steps into the keyboard, the cello, the violin, and eventually, the piece of grass.

"Oh NO!" Ivy exclaimed, running forward. She tried to pick him up, but he was too heavy for her. "My grass!"

"Is he okay?" Harley asked, prodding him with her foot.

"I don't know…" the Riddler said, reaching into his pocket and taking his double sided coin. He met many questionable looks. "What? This thing bugs the hell out of me."

"We should probably leave him and let the doctors take care of him…" the Scarecrow said logically. Ivy nodded, leaning over him and touching his face with her delicate hands.

"Or…we could heal him ourselves and play doctor!" Harley exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. "Okay! Ivy, you be the nurse- get me four CC's of anesthetic so we can begin exhuming the body!"

All she received was blank stares. She sighed.

"Or we could leave him. Whatever."

The Scarecrow patted her on the shoulder. "I understand, Harley."

"Thank you!" she said. "You know, we should talk more."

"We really should," he said, looking her deep in the eyes. She gave him a quizzical look.

"Um…Crane?"

"Yeah, what are you doing?" the Riddler asked. "Are you hitting on her?"

"No! We're having an intelligent conversation!" the Scarecrow said defensively.

"Because she's MINE!" the Riddler said, pushing the Scarecrow.

"Hey. Don't push me, we're friends, remember? Idiot." the Scarecrow said.

"You aren't mine!" Harley interrupted. "I'm all Mistah J's, and you know that! Now please, I know I'm irresistible, but try and contain yourselves."

And she walked away, swinging her hips as she went. Ivy rolled her eyes.

"And that's my best friend." She sighed, taking a long look at Harvey, collapsed on the ground. "Maybe we should get him some food."

"Maybe…" the Riddler said. The Scarecrow nodded.

"Or we could draw on him!"

"Yeah!"

"Guys, don't draw on him," Ivy said, putting his head in her lap.

"God, Ivy, just because you _looooove_ him…"

"I do not!"

"Do to."

"Do not!"

"Do to."

"Do NOT!"

"Do to do to do to do to DO TO!"

"Ugh! I can't stand you!" she yelled, and then she too stalked out of the room.

The Riddler looked around for a few seconds, pulled out a pen, wrote "I love boobs" on the skin covered portion of his forehead, and ran out of the room. The Scarecrow looked at him too, drew him a half mustache and a Harry Potter scar, and ran out after his cell mate, leaving Harvey on the floor of the now abandoned band room.


	4. School

Education Program at Gotham Arkham Asylum

Day One- Math

This one was not a nurse's idea. This was instated by the Dark Knight himself, who usually refused to participate in the goings on at Arkham. Upon realizing that criminal activity was closely related to basic unintelligence, he decided to instate an education program at the mental ward, with the six patients and or super villains he decided most needed it. This being the usual – Two Face, or Harvey Dent as everyone knew and called him, the Riddler, or Edward Nigma, the Scarecrow, or Jonathon Crane, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, and the Joker, who had no alias.

Harley wasn't happy with the arrangements. As she pointed out on a regular basis, she was actually really smart, and didn't think she needed to be educated. Crane was pretty intelligent himself, but didn't mind a little extra learning. The Joker had a sort of subtle intelligence, he was very eloquent in his speech and methods, and excelled in the fields of chemistry and math particularly. But as far as Harvey, Ivy, and the Riddler went, there was a general lacking of book smarts.

"I hate this," the Riddler whined as they walked towards their new classroom. "Why do we have to do this? What is the answer? Why are we here?"

"Do you want to live? Because heads, you don't." Harvey snarled. The Riddler fell silent.

Harley was wearing a pair of glasses, which the Joker wasted no time on.

"Hey Harl, I didn't know you were starting a chess club."

"Yeah. Can I borrow your pocket protector? My pocket needs to be protected." The Scarecrow added.

"Crane, you are no good at this."

"Sorry. I got ahead of myself."

"What are we doing today anyway?" Ivy asked.

"Math, I believe," the Scarecrow said, playing with his calculator. "Check it out, I've got snake on this thing!"

"I love snake!" the Riddler exclaimed, snatching it from him. "Oh cool, all I have is block dude…"

"I have Mad Libs!"

"I have Grand Theft Auto!"

"Sweet!"

"It's not for games," Harley sighed. "It's for _math_."

"I hate math." Ivy groaned, walking up to her best friend. "I can never figure it out."

"Don't worry, I'll help you." She said, patting her on the back.

"Well, that's great, but some of us only have half a brain."

"Harvey, you have an entire brain." Harley told him.

"How do you know?"

"Because the only thing that got burned off your face was hair and some skin. Not your brain. You'd be sitting in a chair drooling if you only had half a brain."

"You don't see him in the cell," the Joker said. Harvey scowled.

"Heads I…"

"Let me stop you right there," the Scarecrow said. "I know where this is going. You're going to make a coin flip, make some sort of ridiculous proposal, and then fail to follow through with it. Am I right?"

Harvey glared at him, but then his gaze fell.

"Probably."

"That's what I thought. Now shush."

The group of them filed into the small room, where a nurse was standing in front of a peculiar looking board. It appeared to be a whiteboard in every aspect, except it also appeared to be electronic.

"Every body, arrange yourselves in alphabetical order, please." The nurse said as they stood awkwardly in the middle of the seats. "You may call me Mrs. Z."

"What's the rest of your name?" Harley asked.

"Alphabetical order, please." She said crisply. Harley rolled her eyes and turned towards the group as they all eyed each other.

"Why do we have to do this?" The Riddler asked, groaning. "Why? What is the answer to the riddle?"

"Good god, not everything is a damn riddle."

"Um, how should we do this? Alias or real name?" the Scarecrow asked.

"I like my name. Edward Nigma. It's cool. I say real name." The Riddler said.

"I don't have a real name." The Joker pointed out.

"But I don't have an alias," Harley pouted.

"As far as I'm concerned, there are only two people in here with aliases." Poison Ivy said, pointing to the Riddler and the Scarecrow.

"Um, what about me?" Harvey asked indignantly.

"Nobody calls you Two Face." The Riddler said, waving his hand aside.

"I don't know why." He said sadly. "It's so cool."

"Harvey, for the last time, you can't just give yourself a nickname. It doesn't work that way." The Joker sighed.

"How come you have no name?" the Riddler asked. "Now that's a riddle! Why doesn't the Joker have a name? Why do birds have three legs? Why do cats have glow in the dark…"

"Riddler, please stop this right now." Ivy sighed. "You're only digging yourself deeper."

"I don't have a name and that's that." The Joker said firmly.

"Oh yes you do…" Harley sang.

The Joker scowled and put his hand over her mouth.

"Dude, what's your name?" Harvey asked, interested.

Harley made a little noise underneath the Joker's hand, but it wasn't audible. Her eyes were smiling, wide as saucers, excited to divulge.

"I told you, I have no name." He said firmly. "Now let's just arrange ourselves by alias, and if you don't have one, _then_ use your name."

He then whispered something into Harley's ear, and her eyes grew even wider. She nodded fervently under his grasp, and when he released her, she sprang on him and clamped her arms around him.

"Oh, Mistah _J_!" she yelled into his shoulder. He looked kind of disconcerted, but awkwardly patted her back and peeled her off, pushing her towards Harvey. She grabbed his hand.

"We're sitting next to each other, cause we're alphabetically close!" she said smugly, pulling him along after her. Surprisingly enough, he succumbed.

"Where do I go?" the Riddler asked, raising his hand.

"Between Harvey and I," the Scarecrow said, pointing with a long finger.

"Ugh, no way." Harvey groaned, looking over at Poison Ivy, who was sitting by the window. "Can I sit somewhere else?"

"Alphabetically, please." The nurse, or Mrs. Z quipped, clapping her hands urgently.

"We're GOING!" Harvey yelled. The Joker promptly smacked him upside the head.

"It's a little early for this, isn't it?" he said shortly, Harley still clamped to his arm.

"I guess." He said, still looking longingly at Poison Ivy, who was starting out of the window. Her red hair reflected the golden sunlight, shimmering and sparkling, and…

"Harvey? Yoo hoo? You in there?" asked a mysterious floating hand waving in front of his face. Harvey scowled and smacked it away."

"OKAY!" Harley yelled, standing up on a chair and taking command. "There are only six of us, so we'll just take these three pairs of desks in the front. Mistah J and I will take these, Harvey and Nigma, you take those in the middle, and Crane and Ivy will take those by the window."

"She called me by my name." The Riddler blushed. Harvey sighed.

"Is this what today is going to be like? Because I must say, I don't care for it so far."

"Everybody quiet now, please." Mrs. Z commanded. "I want you all to take out a piece of paper and a pencil."

"Calculators?" the Scarecrow asked.

"If you must," she said. "I want you all to figure this problem out…"

"Why do we have to solve it?" the Riddler asked, raising his hand.

"Just think of it like one big, really hard riddle." The Joker said, his head in his hands.

"I love riddles!"

"WE KNOW." The rest of the classroom responded in unison.

And she hit the electronic board, where an equation suddenly popped up.

Solve for x-

3y=4x+5

"I can't do this!" the Riddler whined immediately.

"Heads I try and solve it, tails I give up automatically." Harvey said, flipping his coin. "DANG." He yelled, throwing the coin across the room. "YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!"

"This is hard." The Riddler scowled. "I can't solve this."

Harvey would have made a derisive comment, but he was staring perplexed at the board, his mouth hanging open and his eyes squinted. The Scarecrow was already done and playing snake, and Harley was erasing something on the Joker's paper.

"No, puddin', you have to divide the whole thing by 4, or it doesn't work."

"I know, Harley."

"Then how come you did it wrong?" she asked innocently. He glowered.

"Do you want me to retract my offer?"

She shut up immediately.

"What offer?" Harvey asked, leaning over.

"Mistah J told me that if I told no one his real name then he would…"

"Now, there's no need for telling, is there?" the Joker said, pulling Harley back in her seat. "Shush, will you?"

"But I want to tell him…"

"No."

"Did anyone get 3y-5/4=x?" Mrs. Z asked, tapping the board with her hand. Harley, the Joker, and the Scarecrow raised their hands.

"Yeah, but WHY is that the answer?" the Riddler asked.

"Harley got it right? Shit, that makes me a total retard." Harvey whined. "Hm. Should I yell really loud about this, or get over it? Where's my coin?"

"You threw it over there," the Joker said pointing.

"I can't make my own decisions!" he whined, getting on all fours and searching for it. "Oh good, here it is." He flipped it. "HOW COME HARLEY CAN DO IT AND I CAN'T!?"

"I'm SMART!" she yelled, throwing her pencil down. "JESUS."

"You keep telling yourself that, Harl." The Joker said, patting her head. She scowled, but he half smiled at her and she beamed.

"Aw, Puddin'…"

"Now, Mr. Dent, what did you get?" Mrs. Z said, smacking a ruler on Harley's desk so she would stop talking. Harley sat back down on his desk, and quickly flipped his coin.

"Um…4?"

"How did you get that answer, Mr. Dent?"

"Well, heads it would have been -37."

"Can you tell me why that's wrong?"

"I LOVE RIDDLES!"

"Shut up, you ignoramus. Um, it was wrong because…guessing is futile?"

"No. Guessing is inaccurate and hardly ever right. Guessers are losers. As are you."

"Harsh," Harvey muttered.

"I think she's right on," the Joker grinned. Harvey shot him a glare while the Riddler giggled.

"Hey Harvey. Riddle me this- what do you get when you combine an angry villain and a math problem?"

Harvey did not guess.

"I'll tell you! A pile of WRONG ANSWER! Haha!"

"Yeah, you really got me there." He scowled.

"Wait…why do you have to divide it there?" the Riddler asked, pointing.

"If you don't understand it now, you never will." The teacher snapped, smacking the board again so the problem changed. "Solve this please."

"Shouldn't we review the previous problem so those who got it wrong can catch up?" the Scarecrow asked, frowning. Mrs. Z said nothing, but glared at him. He shrank back into his chair and began to solve the new problem.

Solve for x-

15y-3.2m^(3q)=7

"There is no x." Harley said. "We can't solve for x if it isn't there."

"Man, and I was done and everything." Harvey said, throwing his pencil down. "I DESPISE what I cannot understand!"

And he punched his desk, completely shattering it. A bit of shrapnel flew up and hit the Riddler in the face, causing the Joker to fall over laughing.

"Mr. Dent, that is destruction of Arkham property!" the teacher said indignantly. "Apologize to Mr. Nigma."

"You don't know me, do you?" he said flatly, taking this opportunity to take a new desk next to Poison Ivy, who was braiding her hair, looking up at the ceiling.

"Um, hello?" Harley said, waving her hand around in the air, pushing her new glasses up the bridge of her nose. "We can't solve for a variable that doesn't exist."

"Maybe it's imaginary," Crane suggested. "There's a theorem that…"

"Oh good GOD no one cares." Harvey said, putting his head down on his desk. "This makes no sense enough already."

"Now, why do you think that is?" the Riddler asked. "When does something not make any sense? When it's pickled. I don't understand pickles. Cucumbers are so much better."

Harvey was about to spring on him and attack him, but the bell rang.

"FINALLY." He said loudly, picking up his stuff and storming up, the Joker following him. He looked behind him meaningfully at Harley, but she motioned for him to go on ahead.

"I'll be right there puddin', trust me," she said winking. "I wouldn't miss this."

He turned around and followed after Harvey, who, by the sound of it, was punching holes through the walls as he walked.

"So tell me about that theorem," Harley said, sitting down next to Crane, her eyes as wide as saucers. Excited, he began to divulge the secrets of math to her, as she nodded eagerly and soaked up the knowledge.

The Riddler wanted no part of this, so he grabbed an absent minded Ivy's wrist and scuttled out of the room, Ivy stumbling along after him.

Day Two- Social Studies

"I like history," Ivy said as they waited in the classroom for their teacher to show up. "It's very interesting."

"Yeah. I guess." Harvey said, sitting next to her. "If you like being bored to death."

"You don't like history?"

"I don't like what I don't understand," he sighed, resting his head on his hand, propped up on the desk with his elbow.

"That's because your brain would fill only the skulls that are…preconsul." The Scarecrow said, and Harley giggled.

"That wasn't funny." The Joker said, frowning.

"Oh, you just don't get it, puddin'." Harley said, patting his shoulder. "See, a preconsul skull is…"

"You know what? I get it now. Ha. Ha ha. How funny." He said, talking over her.

"Why are pencils yellow?" the Riddler asked, examining his pencil in the light. "Why are they so sharp? Why is the eraser always on the same end?"

"Because it can't be on the same end as the tip." The Joker explained through clenched teeth. "Then there would be no point."

"Ooh a pun! I like puns." The Riddler said, clapping. "You ARE funny."

"Hello class!" someone said, bursting in the room. "I'm sorry I'm a little late…"

"Time is money." The Scarecrow scolded.

"No it's not. Time is a measurement of…time. Money is what you buy stuff with." Harvey told him, scowling.

"It's a _saying_, Harvey." The Scarecrow said slowly. "It has a figurative meaning."

"I hate you."

"Hate you too, Harvey." He said, writing his name on his paper. Harvey scowled, drawing little stick figures with x's for eyes, and labeling them "the Scarecrow is dead so there".

"Who's ready to learn about history?" the teacher asked, passing out a packet to everyone. Only a few people raised their hands. Harvey responded by making retching noises.

"Now that's not a good attitude," the teacher said, writing 'Mrs. Stroma' on the board. "You have to LOVE to learn!"

"I love Mistah J!"

"Yes, we know, Harley," the Joker sighed, his head down on his desk. "I had a long night, Harl, so if you can tone it down a bit…"

"What were you doing?" she asked, bouncing up and down.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"You were there."

"Oh." She giggled. "Yeah. Haha."

"What did you do?" Ivy asked, leaning over to Harley.

"Well, yesterday he told me that if I didn't tell anyone his name, then he would…"

"Harley, for god sakes, SHUT UP." He said, not removing his head from the desk.

"Oh right." She smiled, leaning on his shoulder. He scowled. Harvey raised an eyebrow at him, but he ignored him.

"I don't want to talk about it." He said shortly.

"Why not?" the Riddler asked. "I find that the more you talk about something, the more open…"

"I suggest you talk less about this." The Scarecrow said, writing in all the answers in the packet he just received. "I know you don't like being punched in the face by angry clowns."

"I am afraid of clowns," he said, looking nervously at the Joker, who grinned at him.

"Yes, I know. You tell me every day." The Scarecrow sighed.

"It's because you're so easy to talk to. You're nice."

"I'm flattered."

"We're best friends."

"I know."

"Ivy is MY best friend!" Harley exclaimed. Ivy smiled at her. Harvey looked over at the Joker, as if expecting him to proclaim their friendship, but when he did not, he sighed and looked back at the teacher, who was ready to start teaching.

"Now, we're going to start at the very beginning. Neanderthals, as you all know, were the first upright apes, and evolved in the humans you know today. But what people don't know is that another humanoid mammal of the day was the preconsul ape, one of very little intelligence…"

"HEY!"

The Scarecrow sniggered, while Harvey shot daggers into his head with his eyes.

"Now, can anyone tell me what that age was called?"

The Riddler raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Nigma?"

"Ye Olden Times?"

"No, that is incorrect. Any other guesses?"

"But why is it wrong? When does success become before work? In the dictionary. So that means this can only be solved with a dictionary. I SHALL FETCH THE DICTIONARY!"

And he leaped out of his seat and out of the room.

"Somebody shut the door, quick!" Harvey exclaimed, but Ivy grabbed his arm and held him down in his seat.

"Harvey," she said, "Don't…"

And he obliged.

The room stared at him.

"I have been trying for YEARS to get him to sit down and shut up." The Joker exclaimed. "how did you do that, and where did you get your magic powers?"

"I don't think it's anything you can do, puddin,'" Harley said, patting his arm. "You aren't very…"

"Very what?"

"Let me put it this way," Harley said in a low tone, looking over at Ivy. "Ivy has long eyelashes to bat and a head full of red hair to toss around. I think that's the magic Harvey has succumbed to."

"Harvey likes IVY?" he yelled, whipping his head around to look at them. Harvey scowled at him, the charred side of his face looking rather frightening. Ivy, meanwhile, turned a shade of pink and hid her face with said red hair.

"Dude, be _cool_." Harvey snarled, baring his set of brilliantly white teeth. Ivy blushed.

"Ugh, I can't handle all the love." The Joker said resentfully.

"Please cut the chatter!" Mrs. Stroma said.

The Riddler leaped heroically back into the room, clutching a dictionary.

"I have arrived with the answer!" he proclaimed.

"Dude, where did you _find _that?" Harvey asked.

"In the Arkham library," the Riddler replied, rolling his eyes. "Where else?"

"Arkham has a library?" Harvey asked, looking around the room. Everyone nodded slowly at him. He threw up his hands and reclined in his seat. "Well, that's news to me."

"The age you were previously referring to…" the Riddler said, riffling through the dictionary. "Is…THE PALEOLITHIC ERA!"

"Very good!" Mrs. Stroma applauded, tossing him a package of candy. "Here are some Smarties for the smarty!"

"YAY!" he said, sitting down and tearing into his candy. "Why are they so flat? Why are they round, and yet have sharp edges? Why is the sky…"

The Scarecrow stopped him by picking up one of the candies in his long fingers and stuffing it up the Riddler's nose.

"Point taken." He said, snorting it out. "Anyone want this?"

Everyone stared at him blankly, except Harvey, who was flipping his coin.

"No, I don't want it." He grumbled, looking at the head end of his coin staring up at him. "Man. I was hungry."

"Okay class, we're moving on to the Middle Ages!" Mrs. Stroma exclaimed. "Can anyone tell me what system of government was prominent in the Middle Ages?"

"Feudalism." Harley said without looking up. She was drawing hearts on the Joker's paper, and he was erasing them as she went.

"Very good! Now, what were the classes of the feudal system?"

"Dumb, dumber, and dumbest?" Harvey suggested.

"Sure, but where would you fit in?" the Scarecrow asked. Harvey shrugged. "You'd be the feudal master. Lord Dumbest Of All."

"I resent that."

"Serfs, lords, and kings," Harley said, talking over Harvey and the Scarecrow.

"Excellent. What was the job of the serfs?"

"To garden and plant plants and water trees and tend the lawn and grow vegetables." Ivy said, sniffing a flower she had procured from one of her spores.

"Yes, they were basically servants to the lords."

"I am so bored…" Harvey groaned, flopping over on his desk. "When is this over? I hate being educated."

"You need it though," the Joker muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, you need it."

"I do not. I will have you know that I am VERY intelligent."

This time it was not only the Joker, but the entire room that burst into peals of laughter. Harvey fumed,

"Hey! I was a politician!"

"Exactly," Harley snorted. "What does your IQ have to be for that? Two?"

"Everyone, please…" Mrs. Stroma tried to say, but there was no settling them down now.

And then the bell rang, and Harvey stormed out of the room, kicking a few desks as he went. The rest of the class filtered out slowly, still in a considerable uproar.

The Joker left Harley behind in a hurry. He didn't want a repeat of last night.

Since she was so close to revealing his true name, he had to give her something so she wouldn't tell. And that came in many forms. To get her to shut up, he had to sit down with her and talk about 'them' all night, and then kiss her for three whole minutes.

Those were the longest three minutes of his life.

He didn't care for Harley. But, she was rather useful, and the fast loyalty didn't hurt either. So he figured it wasn't a crime to keep her happy.

Day Three- Science

Now today, there was one particular villain who looked excited for the classes. Two, in fact. For some reason, both Harley and the Joker were clad in lab coats and safety goggles.

"I'll bite," the Scarecrow said. "What is with the lab coats?"

"Well," Harley explained. "We are both people of science. And today, there will be limitless chemicals and equipment with which to manufacture…"

But the Joker elbowed her, and she silenced.

"We feel that it's best to keep it under wraps for now," he said, grinning. "But I assure you, you will all be pleasantly surprised."

"I like surprises." The Riddler said.

"Do I like surprises?" Harvey asked his coin, which was flipping through the air. "Yes. Yes I do."

"Good to know." The Joker said, clapping him on the back. Harvey grimaced and rubbed his shoulder.

"Wrong side, buddy. Wrong side."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, well, maybe after the fifty seventh time you'll finally remember."

"Maybe," he said, snapping on his gloves and walking into the lab, Harley bouncing along behind him.

"Welcome to Science!" the teacher said. "I want you all to put these lab coats…except for you two! You get an A for preparation!"

Harley and the Joker high-fived.

"I'm prepared!" Crane said, waving his hand in the air. "I brought my fear toxin!"

Everyone who was standing around him backed up a good ten feet. He scowled.

"How am I supposed to figure out what the Joker's fear is without it?" he explained as if it were obvious. The Joker scoffed.

"Please. You know I don't have a fear." He said, waving his hand aside. Harley, who was attached to his arm, agreed.

"It's true," she said, patting him on the head, to which he scowled. "He is fearless."

"Don't be silly. Everyone has a fear," the Scarecrow taunted, waving the serum before the Joker's eyes. The Joker only scowled again and swatted at it. Crane smirked.

"Now, everyone get a lab partner and go to a station," the teacher said, clapping her hands. Harley and the Joker walked over to the back, where they immediately put their heads together and started whispering. Ivy shot a look at Harvey and walked over to a station, and he didn't even flip his coin to see if he should follow her. He just did.

"I guess that leaves you and me," the Scarecrow said to the Riddler.

"But why though? Why does no one like me? Why is the earth round?"

"Just shut up and get over here." He sighed, beckoning the Riddler over, who obliged.

"Welcome to the Science Train! Next stop, KNOWLEDGE!" the teacher exclaimed. "My name is Ms Beaker."

"That is so AWESOME!" the Riddler exclaimed as the Joker giggled in the corner. Harley batted at his arm, and he stopped and continued the mysterious work they were doing.

"Thank you," Ms Beaker beamed. "Now, what we're going to work on is a basic reaction of chemicals. I see that you two are off to a lovely start," she said, motioning towards Harley and the Joker.

"What? Oh, yeah. We are learning so much about…reactants." The Joker said, not looking up, but holding a foaming test tube over the sink while Harley started up the Bunsen burner.

"Can you tell us anything about them, to help along the rest of the class?" she asked. The Joker looked at Harley and nodded, and she sighed and turned around, putting her safety goggles on her head.

"Some chemicals react differently to some chemicals than others. When two chemicals react, they change in structure and form a new chemical, but all of the basic components of molecular structure are still there. Is that good?" and she put her goggles back on and turned back around.

"Very well explained." The teacher said, scribbling some nonsense on the board.

"Harvey, you can't mix that…" Ivy warned.

BOOM.

"Oops."

Everyone looked at Harvey and Ivy's station to see a blackened and surprised Harvey dent in front of a smoking and shattered beaker with a mysterious looking substance splattered around it. The Joker giggled without looking up from his mysterious work.

"Now, what Harvey did was mix…" Ms Beaker said, walking over to his station and picking up two beakers. "Hydro-choleric acid and sodium. See, there's your problem," she said to a non amused Harvey.

"Well, it was either the sodium or the Riddler," he said, "but the coin told me sodium."

"Well, let's follow the procedure from now on instead of the coin, okay?" she said, patting his shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm not sure if I can do that." He said, frowning. "The coin gets mad if I don't ask it things. And I can't make my own decisions."

"I'll help you." Ivy said, tending to a plant she created a few minutes ago. "Just do what _I_ say."

"Yeah…I don't know if I'm comfortable giving you that kind of power," he said, stroking his coin with his thumb. She raised an eyebrow at him, a questioning look crossed over her pale face.

"Oh, come on…" she said, stroking his arm gently. Harvey blanched.

"Okay." He agreed. Ivy smiled at him and turned back to her plant.

"What do you get when a aardvark and a tomato cross paths in a wheat field?"

"I don't know, usually you tell riddles that relate to the situation." The Scarecrow said, reading the procedure.

"I know," the Riddler sighed, leaning up against the table. "But I'm having writer's block, and I can't think of any."

"So you used the farm scenario one?"

"Yep."

"You are so LAME!" Harvey said, banging his head down on the desk. "If you can't tell a riddle that makes sense, DON'T TELL ONE AT ALL!"

"But…that's like, all of them!" the Riddler said, his eyes wide.

"EXACTLY."

"Now, what do you find when you mix the two chemicals on your desk?" Ms Beaker asked.

"Um, none of us really got that far yet," the Scarecrow said, balancing several test tubes in his arms. "Because some of us are hot-headed, and some of us have useless partners."

"Well, when you do get there, can you fill in page seven with your findings?"

"Sure thing," the Scarecrow said, his voice muffled due to the beaker he was holding with his teeth. The Riddler was scrawling frantically on a piece of paper.

"Are those your observations?" the teacher asked, leaning over to read it.

"No," laughed. "These are some riddles I'm writing. I'm hoping to publish a book of riddles."

"Well, those are charming," Ms Beaker said, "but I want you to work on the lab."

There was an odd beeping from Harley and the Joker's station.

"Don't worry about that…" the Joker said, waving his hand. "Just ignore us."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Harvey said. Harley rolled her eyes and put something in the thing they were working on, which resulted in a huge cloud of smoke that billowed out and filled the whole room.

"Don't worry about the mysterious smoke…" Harley coughed. "Nothing to be suspicious about…"

"Okay, what the hell are you guys doing?" Ivy asked, smacking her hand down on the desk.

"Calm down woman, it's almost done." The Joker said shortly. "Good god."

"What's almost done?" Ms Beaker asked curiously, walking towards their station.

"You know what? It would probably be better if you didn't look," the Joker said, pushing her back.

"I think I should look, you look knee deep in sci…WHAT IS THAT?"

"This," the Joker said, wielding a remote control, "is the Clown Prince of Crime 3000. Behold it's power!"

And a little clown robot clanked out from behind the station, a maniacal grin over it's metal façade.

"That doesn't really look like you," Ivy frowned. "Is it supposed to?"

"It's a little fat."

"Why does it have a gun for an arm?"

BANG.

"That's why." The Joker said sourly. "Don't you see? This little marvel…"

"It's our love child." Harley smiled.

"Harley, not the time." He scowled. "Anyway, this little marvel is the answer to all of our problems."

"How so?" the Scarecrow asked, interested.

"Check this out," Harley smiled, pushing a button on the remote.

"Harley, when I have the remote, I push the buttons." The Joker snapped at her. Meanwhile, the Clown Prince of Crime 3000 was expelling a purple gaseous substance.

"Is that…" Harvey asked, pointing.

"Joker Laughing Gas? You bet," he grinned. Harvey clamped a hand over his mouth.

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!" he yelled, running out of the room.

"This is inappropriate for a school setting!" Ms Beaker said, quite startled.

"Um, this isn't school. It's a mental ward. So you can't get mad at us, because we're imbalanced." Harley said quickly.

"It's a school setting enough!" Ms Beaker said, waving the toxic fumes away from her nose. Meanwhile, the Scarecrow found this a perfect opportunity to release his fear toxin into the room. The green and purple gases mixed, creating a quite dastardly fog that swirled menacingly around the room.

"I can't believe you would do something like this!" Ms Beaker yelled. "Can you even imagine how much destruction you could cause with this?"

"Why do you think we made it?" the Joker asked, shaking his head.

"Are we going to escape?" the Riddler asked.

"You and your silly questions," Harley smiled, tousling his hair. "No, we built it because we think it's cute."

"It's not really," Ivy said, inspecting the little clown robot.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," Ms Beaker said, snatching the remote from the Joker.

"Hey!"

"You see, while you are in Arkham, you must stay here until you are properly treated. And we had hoped that with this education program, you would learn how to behave, function, and provide in and for society, and become useful human beings. But, if all you care about it making destructive _robots_, then congratulations, you get to stay here forever."

"What!?" the Riddler shrieked. "I didn't do anything! Why am I getting punished? When is a punishment unfair? When I didn't do it!"

"I didn't really mean it…" she muttered. "I don't have that power, but I DO refuse to teach you any more! And I am canceling the rest of your classes!"

"What?" Harvey yelled, running back into the room. "No more learning? HOORAH!"

"Shut up, you cretin." The Scarecrow scowled. "Some of us enjoy learning."

"Yeah," Harley said, picking up the robot and stroking his head gently.

"Harley, IT'S NOT OUR LOVE CHILD. Put it down."

"But I already named him," she said mournfully.

"So did I. Clown Prince of Crime 3000."

"I like Jay Jay Quinn better," she smiled. The Joker sighed.

"So…no more classes?" the Riddler asked, a smile tugging on his face.

"No. You don't deserve the knowledge!" she said, throwing down the remote and stomping on it.

"Now, that is just cruel." The Joker said, staring at her like she was a monster. "Do you realize how much we worked on that?"

"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" she yelled.

"Point taken," the Riddler said, and skipped out, the Scarecrow and Ivy following him.

"Come on Jay Jay, let's go." Harley pouted, clutching the metal monstrosity and running out of the room with it. The Joker shook his head slowly at Ms Beaker, and bent over, scooped up the shattered remote in his arms, and ran out after Harley.

Ms Beaker, however, stayed,

And she had forgotten about the dangerous gas that was slowly diffusing towards her nostrils.

So in a matter of minutes, not only was she laughing hysterically, she was screaming about giant spiders and rattlesnakes that weren't really there. So when the other teachers came in and saw her in conniptions on the ground, they decided that perhaps the chemicals had gotten to her brain, and they took her in for shock therapy, after which she was admitted to Arkham as a patient.

Funny how things work out that way.

As for the criminal patients, they were thrilled that they didn't have to learn anymore. Except for Harley and Crane, who had instated their own private study group. Every Wednesday, for the interest of learning, they were allowed to go to the library and read. One day, Harvey was walking around aimlessly and wandered into the library. As soon as he realized where he was, his first move was to ask the librarian if they had any beauty magazines, and his second move was to run out and away as fast as he could.

And that was the education program. A planned ten week program that lasted three days.

But would that stop someone else from trying something new?

Of course not.

Don't be silly.

As the Riddler would say-

When a bird is flying through the air, would it stop to go to McDonalds? No. Because McDonalds is gross. As is bird poop. And all the attempts to cure us.

And that's pretty much that.


	5. Self Defense

"What, Riddler, you scared? You can't take it? YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?"

"Calm down Harvey. I only asked you to pass the bread."

It was lunchtime at Arkham Asylum, and the inmates were not happy. It had been a long, grueling day, full of shock therapy and various treatments. In fact, the Joker had been treated three times that day, so he wasn't exactly himself, to say the least.

"I'll pass you the bread Harvey, I'd pass it to myself, but I can't seem to find the desire for bread right now, say Harley, do you think you could wipe the water off the outside of my glass? It's condensing, and I can't say I care for it. And did you get your hair cut? I like it."

"He's always like this after therapy," Harley said ruefully, patting him on the shoulder and wiping off his glass with her napkin.

"Ugh. Look at her." Ivy was saying, watching Selena Kyle eat at another table. Selena, AKA Catwoman, was a new addition to Arkham. She was eating a salad.

"I have been." Harvey commented. "Hot stuff."

"No, you insensitive clod." Ivy scowled. "She's eating a _salad_."

"Oh. I like a girl who appreciates her steak," Harvey replied, waving a bit of steak on his fork under Ivy's nose. Ivy scowled and batted it away.

"I don't eat _food_." She sniffed. "I absorb the sunlight and convert it into…"

"Ugh, don't make me learn." Harvey groaned, stirring some macaroni and cheese around on his plate. The Joker was organizing his peas in order of size.

"I must say, I don't particularly care for this cafeteria food," Crane mentioned scornfully. "It's awfully watery."

"Mine isn't…" the Harvey said, looking down at his untouched food. Everyone stopped in their tracks and looked at him. "What?" he asked.

"Harvey, that means it's been…tampered with." Harley said. "They're drugging you."

"Why?"

"Are you a complete and utter idiot?" The Riddler demanded. "Come on. Even _I_ understand this concept."

"I don't get it."

"Listen." The Riddler said, putting his fork down. "We have self defense today. And they're drugging up the strong ones. The Joker, you…I'm just surprised they haven't tried me yet."

The Joker burst into peals of laughter. Harley smiled.

"Aw, he's coming back!" she said, hugging him.

"Self defense?" Ivy asked. "Why?"

"They think we're too weak, I guess." Crane shrugged. "Can't say I blame them. I can't press thirty pounds myself."

"That's lame." Harvey sniggered. Crane shot him a reproving glare.

"Who's going to teach us?" Ivy pressed. "I can't see any of the nurses doing it…"

Crane shrugged.

"I don't know. Someone from the outside, I think."

_Ten minutes later, at self defense._

The six patients were waiting patiently, some more so than others, in the room in which they would be taught to defend themselves. Harvey was doing pushups in a corner to warm himself up, and the Joker was fast asleep in the middle of the floor, Harley beside him, stroking his hair.

And when their instructor walked in, every jaw in the room dropped.

It was Batman.

"What are you doing here?" Harvey asked, sitting up. The Joker stirred.

"I'm teaching you self defense." He said simply.

"Awesome." Crane smirked. "Finally. I will be strong."

"Okay everyone, get into groups of two." Batman announced

"Hey, Eddie…" Harvey sang. "Want to be my partner?"

"Hell no." he snorted. "I don't fancy dying." And with that, he walked over to Crane, who was reading a book on proton density,

"It's just a bit of light reading," he explained, closing it. "To stretch the mind. You know."

"I actually don't." the Riddler said. "But I'll pretend like I do, so you won't explain it to me."

"Should I be your partner?" Harvey was asking The Joker, who was still fast asleep. "The coin says no, but I don't really want to work with Harley."

"Mih. Goway." The Joker mumbled into the carpet.

"WAKE UP, YOU JACKASS." Harvey yelled, kicking him in the side.

"OW!" he yelled, writhing on the ground. "You're the jackass."

"Get off the ground and be my partner."

"Partner for what?" he mumbled groggily.

"I'm going to punch you in your face if you don't stand up right now. I'm not even going to flip the coin to see if I should. I'm just going to do it."

"Fine," he grumbled, standing up slowly. "Ugh. Three treatments in one day. That can't be humane."  
"I can't pretend you don't deserve it," Ivy said from across the room.

"Now, as you can see, there are six punching bags in the room." Batman said, pacing. "I want you to set yourself up in front of one, next to your partner if possible. I want you to deliver your best right hook to it, so I know precisely what I'm dealing with here."

"Shouldn't you already know this?" The Riddler asked, razing his hand. "I mean, you have fought each and every one of us multiple times.

"I don't have the time for your petty chatter." He scowled. "Now punch."

There was a deafening sound from Harvey's station as he knocked the bag clean off the hook.

"Finally. Something I'm better at than Harley," he smiled, looking over at her. She was scowling at the bag that was nearly bigger than she was.

"This isn't even fair." She said.

"Oh, come on. You can hold your own against Batgirl," Batman said. "Give it a whirl."

"Batgirl is a lot smaller than this." She huffed.

Ivy, however, had given up entirely and was sitting down on the ground, braiding her hair.

"Come on, Joker, you can do it. Snap out of this shock funk and PUNCH IT!" Harvey was yelling encouragingly. "I know you can!"

Something crossed the clown's vague face, and as his vacant eyes closed, his mouth contorted in concentration, and he swung as hard as he could at the bag.

But he missed.

Harvey just shook his head.

"What's up with him?" Batman asked, pointing at him.

"Shock therapy," Harley said sadly. "Three times. Just today."

"Excellent." Batman grinned, patting The Joker on the shoulder. "Keep trying, buddy."

"Leave me the hell alone."

"There we go!" Harvey said, clapping him on the back. "That's the spirit. If you need someone to really boil your blood, just go talk to The Riddler. That usually does it for me."

"Don't you come near me, you psychopath." The Riddler scowled. "And I am only standing up to you because you probably don't give a crap."

"That's right I don't. When do they serve dinner?"

"Now, Harvey," Batman said, moving on, "You're doing great. Would you mind demonstrating that right hook for us?"

"Um…" he said, flipping his coin. "Sure."

He walked up to the front of the room, and punched the Riddler right in the face.

"Hey." He whimpered from the floor. "Riddle me this…"

"Riddle me this?" Harvey asked incredulously. "You just got punched in the face, and you're telling me a _riddle_? You don't know me, do you?"

"Only because you scare me."

"Okay. Not that that wasn't good Harvey, because it _was_, but you really want to do is straighten your arm more. It gives you more power. No, don't lock you arm, you could hurt yourself."

He reached over and grabbed Harvey's arm, positioning it into the proper punching position.

Now, Harvey wasn't sure why Batman was teaching him to punch more powerfully, for he was under the impression that he was pretty unstoppable as it was. Were he not in Arkham, that was.

"Wait. I do not understand. Enlighten me, please." Crane said, raising his hand. "Show me how to be powerful."

"Show me how you punch," Batman said, walking over to Crane and the Riddler, who was picking himself up from the ground. Crane gave him a quizzical look.

"I don't punch." He said. "I fear knuckle strain."

"Okay. Well, make a fist."

Crane then did some sort of odd maneuver with his spindly hand that was definitely not making a fist.

"As you can clearly see, I am non experienced in the art of fist making." He said.

"I can see that." Batman frowned. "Well then. Looks like we've got some work to do."

"It's hopeless," Harvey coughed behind his hand. The Joker was now sitting behind Ivy, braiding her hair.

"Teach me how to fishtail," she told him. He nodded, concentrated on the braid. Harley was frowning at the two of them.

"You never braid _my_ hair, Mistah J." she pouted.

"I don't talk as much," Ivy said. Harley scowled.

"You don't even like him."

"He's braiding my hair."

"I can see that."

"Alright girls, settle down." Batman said. "Now Crane. What you want to do is make a fist like this, and really lay it into the bag."

Crane, once again, did an odd maneuver with his arm that did not look like punching.

"Yeah. He'll never get it." The Riddler sighed.

"I will too!" he exclaimed, getting angry. "I…will…have…THE POWER!"

And he smacked the bag so hard that it rattled the whole room.

"Woah." Batman said, his jaw dropped. "You _do_ have the power. I am a marvelous teacher."

"He's like the Hulk." The Riddler gaped.

"Excuse me?" Batman whispered. "Did you just utter that name in front of me?"

"Um…no…?"

"I HATE the Hulk!" he screamed, kicking a hole through the wall. "He isn't super! He's super _dumb_, that's what he is!"

"Excuse me, but having been recently compared to the Hulk, I resent that." Crane said, raising his hand. Harvey responded by doing what Harvey does best.

Clobbering him.

"I want the power!" the Riddler whined. "Riddle me this- why can't I have the power?"

"Power is money. And time is money. Patience, my friend." The Joker replied.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Harley screamed. "WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME?"

"One with the earth," he responded, looking innocently up at her.

"Okay. Heads I punch you in the face, tails you're going back to that shock room so they can shock your brains back." Harvey said, pulling his coin out of his pocket. Flipping it, he examined the side that was face up. "Punch it is. Sorry, my friend. It's for the best."

And he punched him in the face, just as he said he would.

"What…the…HELL!" the Joker screamed, swiping at Harvey's legs and knocking him over. Harvey growled and came back with a swipe at the Joker's face, but he evaded him, standing up and stomping on Harvey's broad back with all his weight.

"OW!"

"That's what you GET!"

"He's BETTER!" Harley cried, clapping.

"All right, all right, calm down everyone," Batman said, pulling the Joker off a wheezing Harvey.

"You don't come here much. This is how all of our sessions usually end up." Crane said seriously, examining the scene from a distance. Ivy had crawled away from the fight, and was now huddled in a corner, making little daisies grow on the wall.

"Now Harvey," Batman said. "Your attacks were good, but the defense seriously lacked. There was a moment when the Joker got you under the chin…"

He was briefly interrupted by a cackle from the Joker.

"Shut up." Ivy said from the corner. Apparently, now that he was back to normal, she didn't like him anymore.

"Thank you. Anyway, you could have easily blocked that attack with this maneuver."

And he held his hands in front of his neck.

"Um, duh." Harvey groaned, rolling his eyes. "Even I know that."

"Then why didn't you do it?" the Riddler asked. "Why?"

"Shut your face or I'll shut it for you."

"That is not constructive." Batman reprimanded. "But yes. You really should shut your face. Now Harvey, I'm going to attack you, and you're going to block it. Ready?"

But Harvey didn't block it at all. Instead, he grabbed Batman on the wrist and flipped him over on his back, sitting down on him.

"Go go go!" he yelled, pointing to window. "Escape!"

"But it's locked!" Harley cried, tugging on the latch.

The Joker looked around the room, and saw a drinking fountain on the wall. Walking up to it, he wrenched it from the wall and flung it at the window, shattering the entire apparatus.

"Yay!" Ivy exclaimed, jumping out into the sunlight. But then she paused.

"Harvey? What about you?"

"Go! Save yourselves!" he cried, motioning for the rest of them to pile out, which they did.

"Oh, you're so selfless and heroic!" she cried.

"I wouldn't go that far," he said, looking down at the coin that was tail side up. "Heads I would have saved my own butt."

"We're FREE!" the Riddler exclaimed, running into the distance.

Ivy, after a moments hesitation, jumped back into the window and ran to Harvey.

"I'm staying with you," she said.

"Why?" he asked. Batman grunted. Harvey elbowed him in the face to silence him.

"Because it's where I belong," she whispered. And he kissed her, and it was beautiful, that was until Batman regained full consciousness to find two super-villains kissing on his torso. So of course, he responded negatively and knocked them both out.

As for the escaped villains, since they were trained so well in combat and self defense, it took a whole five months for Batman to track them down and drag them back into Arkham.

Incidentally, the measures Batman had to go to in order to bring each and every one of them back included breaking all of Crane's bones, for he was all powerful.

Needless to say, he no longer has the power.

But if you ask him of his glory days in the realm of the strong and powerful, he still gets misty eyed. After that, he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and exploits your biggest fear. So I wouldn't ask him.

During the months that Ivy and Harvey were alone on their ward, they built a relationship that was pure and honest. But when the Joker, the Riddler, Harley and Crane came back, they were mocked endlessly, and forced to hide their love. Making Harvey more bottled up and volatile than he ever was.

And all was restored.


	6. Talent Show

I haven't said this yet, and I probably should have, but I don't own DC comics, nor anything else I allude to.

Have fun with this one.

An authors note- I don't know why the characters don't act like they should, but I figured I should put it out there that I know they are extremely out of character. I don't know from where they came.

There was something new in the air in the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, the sole mental institution of Gotham City. However, whether that new thing in the air was the Riddler's new cologne or the upcoming talent show was anybody's guess.

The talent show was definitely bringing forth an excitement in the inmates. Most of them had been cooped up in cells with each other, and needed a chance to express their skills.

However, some people didn't have a proper assessment of their skills.

"I don't know what I want to do," the Scarecrow muttered, standing in a long line of talent show hopefuls. Of course, no Arkham doctor was going to turn any patients away, they were merely checking for appropriateness of the acts.

Looking around, Crane watched his fellow patients work on their acts. Harvey Dent was juggling two chainsaws and Harley Quinn, who seemed too excited that she was included to be fearing for her life, Poison Ivy was singing some song about plants, and both the Riddler and the Joker were doing stand up. However, the Joker had suddenly come down with a hell of a cold, and could barely stand as it was.

"Hey, about that asylum food," the Riddler said, talking into a banana, practicing his routine. "If I wasn't crazy before, it's this food that's…"

"Your jokes suck, Digba." The Joker commented, sniffing and shooting a ball of flame from a device concealed in his sleeve. Ivy raised an eyebrow.

"Fire? Really? You think they're going to allow that?" she asked skeptically, sipping from a bottle of water. The Joker only smiled, coughing into his sleeves.

"Dear, dear Ivy…have you any sendse?" he laughed softly. "Fire is fundy. Obviously."

"No one is laughing." Harvey said, not breaking his concentration on the juggling. Harley giggled.

"I like it, Mistah J." she said, curled up in a ball so Harvey could juggle her easier. "Hey Harv, I'm getting dizzy, could you…"

"Not a chance," he said, his eyes fixed in cold concentration. "We need to practice if we want to win,"

Harley said nothing, but squeezed her eyes closed and clamped her mouth shut. Crane noticed that a little bit of green was showing through her white face paint.

"Hey, Ed, what should I do for my act?" he asked the Riddler, who was sorting through his material.

"Oh, what is life but one big mystery?" he said absentmindedly, not looking up. "For we are all just puppets working for the big…"

"Never mind." Crane grumbled, walking away. "I don't care anymore."

"You could sing with me," Ivy suggested. "I could harmonize you in somewhere."

"No thanks, Ivy." He sighed. "I don't believe in music, remember?"

"Oh. Right."

"Okay," Harley groaned. "You gotta let me down now. Aren't you gettin' tired yet?"

"I told you, Harley, we need to practice." Harvey said, juggling faster. Harley groaned again. The Joker stopped hacking into a Kleenex and looked over.

"Hey, Harvey, take id easy." He said seriously. "Harley doesn'd hold food down easily. I took her for a ride in my helicopter, righd after she ade a grandola bar, and bamb. All over the place. Took be a month to get all of the vomit off the controls."

Harvey shrugged.

"Doesn't faze me," he said. Ivy marched up to him.

"Harvey Dent, you let her down right now, do you hear me?" she demanded. Harvey shook his head again.

"It's what it takes to win."

"There is no winning!" Harley cried. Harvey was juggling faster.

"You leave me no choice, Harvey," Ivy said quietly. Grabbing his face with her hands, she kissed him full on the lips, and surprised him so much that he dropped Harley right onto the ground. Of course, that meant he also dropped two, heavy, roaring chainsaws. The Joker dived in and scooped Harley up from the floor before she could be massacred by the huge buzzing tools.

"Thanks, puddin'…" she muttered, before throwing up on him. The Joker groaned, sniffing again, and looked reproachfully at Harley.

At this time, a nurse trotted over to them.

"Is something wrong?" she asked. The Joker didn't say anything, but looked at her in disbelief. The nurse looked at his shoulder, where Harley had tossed her cookies, and nodded.

"Come with me, I'll clean you both up." She said, turning around and beckoning for him to follow. Harley still in his arms, he sighed and followed.

But Crane still didn't know what his talents were.

"You've known me for a long time, right Harvey?" he asked him, leaning up against the wall. "What am I good at?"

"Being a jerk?" Harvey shrugged. "That's all I got. You're smart. Do math or something."

"That's the worst idea I've ever heard," the Riddler snorted.

"You wanna live to see the end of this line?" Harvey yelled, wielding a coin. "Because heads you don't!"

"Why is it always heads?" the Riddler inquired. "Why not tails? Is heads the favorable of the two?"

"Good god, you need to stop that." Harvey growled. "You know I do it because I can't make my own decisions. It's a disorder."

"It's true." Crane said, looking up. "The fear of choosing the wrong choice. Leading one's self astray. This leads to indecision. And that leads to Harvey."

"Okay, you're next." Harvey said, wielding a great fist. Crane swallowed and walked away.

"Well, can dance?" Ivy asked him after he slumped down in a corner. "You could do a dance routine."

"I don't know. I'm not really coordinated," he sighed. "Maybe I just won't be in the talent show."

"But it's so fun!" the Riddler exclaimed, straightening his hat. "All of those people cheering and applauding for you…I love the stage."

"Eddie, no one cares." Harvey said, starting to juggle again. "We all went to your one man performance of _My Fair Lady_."

"Don't remind me." Ivy muttered. Looking ahead, she saw that the line was crawling forward a rate of about one persons every five minutes. "Say, are they actually going to turn mentally ill people down? I mean, they can't be that harsh, can they?"

To answer her question, the door at the end of the line opened, and a patient ran out, bawling.

"THEY SAID NO! THEY SAID NO!"

"There's your answer," Crane said, pointing. Ivy shook her head angrily.

"It's just not fair."

"Fair? I'll give you fair! Try having _acid_ thrown in your face! Try _never going on a date again_, because you're just too damn UGLY!"

"Harvey, please."

"No! This has gone on long enough! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!"

"You're finally getting it!" the Riddler said, patting him on the shoulder. Harvey scowled and punched him in the face without even looking at him.

"I thought _we_ were together." Ivy scowled, looking directly at Harvey. "Or does that not really count?"

Harvey blanched.

"We are…but we haven't been on a date, so…"

"Dates?" someone squealed. Harvey groaned.

"Great. Harley's back."

"Yeah, and they gave me LOTS of drugs so I feel better!" she said, giving him a hug. "So. I've decided that I don't' want you to juggle me anymore."

"What?"

"Yeah. You make me nauseous. So. I've decided to work with Mistah J!"

"Harley?" Ivy asked, pushing Harvey aside. "Why wasn't that your plan in the first place? It makes a lot more sense."

"I wanted to be juggled," she shrugged. "But Mistah J worked me into his act."

"No I haved't." he said, sneezing. Ivy wrinkled her nose and backed away a good few feet.

"Aren't you a little…sick?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him as he started to cough violently. He shook his head at her, rolling his eyes.

"No. I dever get sick." He scowled. Crane shook his head at him.

"You know, you may have a fear after all." He said interestedly, cocking his head. "Something along the lines of incompetence, backing down, weakness…"

"I told you, stubid, I habe no fear." He said proudly, strolling past him. Crane recoiled as the Joker started to hack again.

"Good god man, go to bed." Harvey said, shielding his face. "Save us all from the plague."

"I don't habe the _plague_," the Joker scowled, pulling a tissue from his pocket. "Who wants to see be bake this apple dissabear?"

"You're baking an apple for a bear?"

"Why would I bake an apple for a bear?" he frowned.

"It's what you said." Crane shrugged.

"I've never baked an apple…" the Riddler said thoughtfully.

"Oh, well maybe it's good." Ivy shrugged. "Personally, I don't like to see fruit killed in such a way, but, I can't control what other people do."

"No, I'b not baking an apple for a bear." The Joker scowled. "I'b baking an apple _dissabear."_

"I still don't get it," Harvey shrugged. "The coin doesn't have an answer for this one."

"He's making an apple disappear." Harley sighed, stroking his arm. "He just can't say it."

"I can too."

"I thought you were doing stand up?" the Riddler asked. "Or are you too afraid of losing to me? Decided to change to magic, eh? The lesser of the two? Well, what is life but one big riddle, and you're riddling the biggest riddle of all, finding out that you yourself…"

"Punch hib agaid, Harvey."

"I'm not even going to ask you if I should." Harvey said, shoving his coin in his pocket, once again, punching the Riddler squarely in the face.

"Wait, Mistah J, maybe you should let me do the magic parts." Harley said, taking the apple from him with two fingers, wrinkling her nose. Upon inspection, Crane noticed that it was because the Joker had sneezed on it. "You can tell the jokes."

"Find." He scowled.

"Find what?" Harvey asked.

"What are we looking for? What is anyone looking for? What…" came the muffled voice of the Riddler from the ground.

"He said 'fine'." Harley corrected, tousling the Joker's hair. "You know, Mistah J, this whole thing just ain't worth it. I'll bring you up to the cafeteria and get you some tea, and then we can…"

"I hate tea."

"Then stop being gross." Ivy muttered, covering her mouth with her hand. The Joker grinned and walked up to her, purposefully coughing in her face. She screamed and kicked him away.

"Stop that, you freak!"

"You can't catch it," he said, running after her. "You're a plant!"

"Well, I CAN!" Harvey yelled. "And this is NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!"

"Calm down." Crane muttered. "Hey Harley, what should my act be? I can't think of anything."

"Hmm." She said, cocking her head and inspecting him. "Can you jump rope?"

"No."

"Can you roller skate?"

"No."

"Can you do acrobatics?"

"No."

"Who wants to see a person roller skate in a talent show?" Ivy said, rolling her eyes.

"I do! Roller skating is cool." Harley said, crossing her arms. "I don't see _you_ trying to help."

"I did try and help! It's not _my_ fault he doesn't believe in music."

"Well, you should have tried _harder_!"

"Excuse me, I tried just as hard as _you_ did!"

"No! I came up with three whole ideas!"

"Yeah, three ideas that SUCKED!"

"YOU SUCK!"

"GIRL FIGHT! GIRL FIGHT!" all of the surrounding males chanted as Harley and Ivy coiled.

"Harley! Don't get beat ub. I deed you for by act."

"He's giving Harley the deed to his house?" Harvey asked Crane, who shook his head.

"No, I think he said he'll do a good deed if she's in his act."

"Oh." Harvey said, nodding. The Joker responded by blowing his nose heartily in a tissue.

"Where'd you get that cold, anyway?" Crane asked, looking skeptically on him. The Joker shrugged.

"I dunno. Allergies, probably."

"You have allergies?"

"Dude, there's gonna be a _girl_ fight and you're talking about _allergies_?" Harvey asked loudly. "You're a NERD!"

"I happen to not care about _girl fights_." Crane responded, shaking his head. Harvey looked at him bewilderedly only for a moment, then turned his attention back to Harley and Ivy, who were clawing at each other viciously.

"TAKE IT BACK!" Harley screamed. Ivy growled.

"OH, I'LL TAKE IT BACK!" she yelled back.

"That doesn't even make sense." Crane said, frowning. "And I still don't have an act."

The line was drawing closer to the door, and the Riddler, who had regained consciousness after Harvey's blow, was getting very nervous. Harley was tugging on Ivy's red hair, her face contorted in fury.

"Will you get off me!?" Ivy seethed, slapping her away.

"You get off _me_!" she replied, slapping _her_ away. What resulted what was described as a pretty intense slap fight.

"You're just mad cause the Joker doesn't love you!" Ivy yelled, kicking at Harley, who turned red.

"YES HE DOES!" she screamed, kicking back. "_You're_ just mad cause your boyfriend is AS DUMB AS A ROCK!"

"Hey!" Harvey said, frowning. "That's not fair. I'd give myself at least the IQ of several rocks."

"Just stob talking, Harvey." The Joker sighed, walking up to Harley, grabbing her by the waist, and pulling her away from Ivy, who was getting dangerous. "Harley, don't bake her anybore bad thad she already is."

"Well, we're all bad." The Riddler frowned. "That's why we're here."

"If you can't understand be, then stop listening." He scowled, still holding a flailing Harley by the waist.

The door opened.

"Edward Nigma? It's your turn." A nurse said, poking her head out. Harvey flipped his coin, muttering, "Do I have to wish him good luck?"

The coin landed on his fist and he scowled.

"Good luck." He said, barely audible. The Riddler beamed at him, and walked shakily into the room. The door snapped shut.

"Come _on_ guys, help me out here!" Crane said frantically. "I need a talent!"

"Dude, come get behind me then." Harvey said from the back of the line. "Don't stand so close to the door if you don't know what you're doing."

"Oh, Yeah. That's probably a good idea." He said, shuffling back towards the back of the line where Harvey was. "But what am I going to do? Seriously?"

"We don't know." Harley sighed, still glaring at Ivy, who was glaring back at her.

Crane sighed, pacing back and forth. Seemingly deep in thought, he began to talk again.

"Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible To feeling as to sight? or art thou but A dagger of the mind, a false creation, Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?"

"Um…what?" Harvey asked, scratching his head. "What about a dagger?"

"Crane, that was beautiful!" Ivy said, her eyes wide. "What was that?"

He shrugged. "Macbeth. I memorized the entire play, and I recite it to myself when I'm particularly stressed."

"Why don't you do a monologue from it then?" Harley asked him, her eyes as wide as Ivy's. "You're really good!"

"I _was_ in the drama club," he shrugged.

"Yeah. You would be in the drama club." Harvey sniggered. "Nerd."

"He's got more talent than _you_." Ivy said, turning towards him. "And, by the way, thanks for helping me when Harley _attacked _me."

"Yeah, like I was gonna stop that."

She scowled and turned away.

"Are you going to do it?" Harley asked him, bouncing up and down. "You so should!"

"I'm back!" the Riddler announced, strolling out of the door.

"Yeah? What'd dey say?" the Joker asked him, narrowing his eyes.

"They said I was _cutting edge_." He said proudly, clapping the clown on the back. "See you in the cafeteria, Mr. Sneeze."

"Ha! It's a pun! It's like Mr. Free…" Harley began, but stopped short as the Joker shot her a piercing glare.

"Harley Quinn and Mr. Joker?" the woman asked, opening the door. The Joker coughed violently, but made his way towards the door all the same. Harley patted his shoulder sympathetically and followed him into the room.

They found themselves in a makeshift audition room that had once been a high security cell. The Joker looked around uneasily. It was his once.

"What's your act?" a nurse asked, writing on a clipboard, sitting down at a long table next to two other nurses.

"Bagic." The Joker answered. "And stand ub."

"Um…what?"

"He means magic and stand up." Harley corrected. "He's sick."

"I think I know why," a doctor said, his fingers on his temples. "Mr. Nigma had some very…interesting cologne on."

"It was the _Riddler_?" the Joker yelled. "Oh, I'll get him."

"Yeah. We told him his act was good so he would get the hell out of here. Alright, you can start."

Back outside, Crane was performing another Shakespearian monologue for Ivy and Harvey, but mostly just Ivy. Harvey was asleep.

When he was done, she started to clap.

"You are so GOOD!" she cried, running up and hugging him. "Oh, and I thought you were weird."

"He still is." Harvey grunted. "Just a new kind of weird."

"You know, we should start an Arkham Drama Club!" Ivy gushed.

"We _should_!"

"Ivy…" Harvey groaned. "What do you want that for?"

"I think it's fun." She said defensively. "Not that you would care."

"Hey, I care lots."

"You flipped your coin to see if you did or not!" she yelled, pointing. Harvey hastily shoved the coin back in his pocket.

"Listen, Ivy, you're really hot, but as soon as you start holding me up to a standard, I won't be able to look past that to your hotness."

Ivy scowled.

"I'll contact someone about that drama club," Crane said eagerly, brushing past Harvey's comments. "It will be so much fun!"

At that moment, Harley and the Joker walked out of the room. The Joker had his arm around Harley, it looked like she was supporting him.

"What happened?" Harvey asked. "They said no?"

"No, they said yes." Harley said, sighing. "He just doesn't feel very good."

"I can walk find," he sniffed, his eyes narrowed. "I need to go kill Digba."

"I'll help you!" Harvey said eagerly. Harley waved him aside.

"Naw, I've gotta get him back to the cell." She said, stroking his hair gently. "Get him some rest. Get him some soup."

"Harley, you know I hade…ondion soup?"

"Yes, puddin', onion soup." She soothed, leading him down the hallway.

"Pamela Isley?" the nurse asked, poking her head through the door.

"Dude, you have a last name?" Harvey asked her, surprised.

Ivy scowled and walked into the room. Crane looked at Harvey and shook his head.

"Do you know anything about girls?"

"Okay. Mr. I've Never Had a Girlfriend." Harvey scowled, crossing his arms. Crane scowled back, but couldn't say much to dispute him.

Ivy came back out, accepted. Harvey went in, and came out, denied. Chainsaws were too dangerous.

"I HATE ARKHAM!" he screamed, stomping his way down the hallway.

"Because you loved it so much before," Crane muttered after him, as Ivy chased him down.

Crane then walked into the room, the last person to try out for the talent show, and preformed his heart out. And of course, he was accepted.

How did the talent show go?

Well, the Joker got better. And when he was fully functioning again, he beat the Riddler to a pulp and smashed his new cologne all over the walls. Needless to say, the Joker was brought into shock therapy where he could be subdued, leaving Harley to do his act all by herself. She, however, decided she didn't _want_ to do magic and stand up, and went with a dance routine instead.

She was just finishing up, and Crane was waiting 'backstage', which meant he was in the hallway outside of the cafeteria door, where the talent show was being held.

As she tapped her last tap, everyone clapped vigorously and cheered. Harley bowed and skipped out of the cafeteria

"Go get 'em!" she said, clapping him on the back.

Crane walked nervously out on the floor, seeing everyone looking expectantly out at him. He took a deep breath and started a monologue he had prepared from _King Lear._

He had expected this outcome, of course.

For most everyone to fall asleep.

But there was one shining face in the audience who accepted his talent and loved it-

The face of Poison Ivy.

Harvey was snoring on her shoulder, but she was staring up in admiration at Crane, and he knew he was performing just for her.

You see, Harvey didn't realize it at the time, but he just got one hell of a competitor.

And as he performed for her, and as Harley visited the Riddler in the health ward, two distinct love triangles were formed. As they always do.

The problem was, Harvey was rather insensitive. And the Joker underestimated exactly what Harley meant to him.

Which wouldn't turn out good for either of them.


	7. Yoga

And lo and behold, here is yet another installment of the Arkham Chronicles! Sorry it's been a while, but...you know...college...  
Anyway, thanks for being patient. Here's a brief recap.  
PREVIOUSLY, ON ARKHAM CHRONICLES-  
The talent show. Villains are eager to show off their talents...and as friction builds up between Harvey and Ivy, she begins to find an interest in someone else. Harley visits the Riddler in the hospital wing, starting something the Joker won't ever expect...

* * *

Tempers were running high. Higher than usual, even.

Even Harley, who seemed to like most everyone, was more volatile than usual. Just the other day, the Joker had come up behind her to ask her a question, and she turned around and slapped him in the face before storming angrily away.

Yes, something awful would surely happen if things remained this way. Luckily, one of the nurses had a plan. And of course, as these things usually go, it was a stupid plan. But since she was a nurse and had power, she was allowed to execute said stupid plan.

What the inmates needed was _patience. _And what better way to teach patience than with yoga?

"Look, I can balance this picture frame on my nose."

"Look, I don't give a damn."

"You know Harvey, you were never very supportive of me." The Riddler said, his hands on his hips. "I learned how to do a trick, and I want you to appreciate it!"

"Okay. Here's something for _you_ to appreciate." Harvey said in a low voice, getting very close to the Riddler. "I just flipped this coin. If it landed on heads, it would have been your head up your ass. Luckily for you, it landed on tails. So it's only gonna be MY FOOT!"

The Riddler whimpered as Harvey towered over him, but Ivy swept up next to him and seized his arm, dragging him aside.

"Harvey, _please_!" she hissed. "You're making a scene."

"Can't help it." He said gruffly. "It's in my blood."

"Hey guys," Crane said, walking up to the three villains, "Did you see this flyer?"

Harvey grabbed it.

"Learn the subtle art of patience…all criminally insane must attend a mandatory YOGA LESSON?"

Seething, he crumpled up the paper and threw it behind him. The crumpled flyer hit the Riddler in the face.

"Hey." He whined. "Riddle me this. If I were a lamp with no shade, and you squirted the juice of a freshly picked cucumber, then how would you analyze the…"

"God, Eddie, don't provoke him." Ivy groaned. "Why do you insist on constantly pissing him off? Riddle me _that_, Nigma."

He didn't respond.

"I don't know," Crane shrugged, picking up the flyer and un-crumpling it. "I think yoga might be fun."

"What planet are you from?" Harvey asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Earth." Crane replied, frowning. "Why?"

"He doesn't understand the insult." Ivy said quietly to Harvey.

"You're an idiot," he muttered, turning around and walking away. Crane looked at Ivy, and she back at him. Both shrugging, they turned towards the cafeteria. The Riddler followed them.

"Have you guys seen the C Crew?" he asked, coming in between them. Ivy and Crane both looked at him and frowned.

"Um…'C Crew?"

"Yeah. The C Crew."

"Ed, we have no idea what you're referencing." Crane sighed. "Please be more specific."

"Harley and the Joker." He said, like it was obvious. "They've asked people to start calling them the C Crew."

"C…oh. Clown. I get it. Wow. That is incredibly stupid."

"Yeah," the Riddler shrugged. "But I'm afraid of both of them, so I figured I'd just go along with it."

"I'm not calling them that." Ivy scowled, taking a seat at the table. "It's ridiculous."

"I'll say." The Joker grumbled from behind her. The three villains turned around to see him standing there, a very irate look on his white face.

"You don't like it?" Crane asked, cocking his head.

"Like it? I hate it. It's stupid." He grumbled, looking over at Harley, who was talking merrily to another patient. "She came up with it. I was forced to go along with it."

"I'd let her call us anything she wanted…" the Riddler sighed. The Joker shrugged.

"Whatever. All I know is, she helps me blow stuff up. So I just go with it."

"That's not really like you." Harvey said. "Come on man. Stick up for yourself."

"Yeah. She might just leave you!" The Riddler said, bouncing up and down. "You know, after you beat me up because I made you sick, she visited me in my sick bed, and she said…"

"Nigma, if you value your life, you won't continue with that statement." The Joker sighed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit next to Harley and try to get her to shut up for half an hour."

"I'd let her talk in my ear all day…"

The Joker slapped him upside the head and moved on, sitting next to Harley at a table.

"So. There's a lot of woman stealing going on this week." Harvey said, looking directly at Crane. Crane looked at him innocently, shrugging.

"I don't know why you're looking at me. _You're_ the insensitive clod."

"I _would_ punch you, but my anger management coach has forbade me from punching people." Harvey growled, wielding the coin. "But tails, I'm willing to fail the course."

Crane said nothing further on the subject.

Harley was pacing back and forth. Yoga? What kind of nonsense was that? She was calm. She WAS calm!

"Harley, you're giving me a headache." Ivy muttered.

The six villains were waiting in the multipurpose room for their yoga instructor to show up. It had been ten minutes past the expected time of arrival.

"I like yoga." Crane said. "It stretches your mind."

"No, it stretches your body. Idiot." Harvey replied, rolling his eyes.

"I believe you'll find that yoga is also a very dexterous mind exercise as well, my friend." Crane corrected him. "For you see, balance is derived from the mind, whereas…"

"Whatever." Harvey mumbled, cutting him off. Crane scowled.

"Greeting!" someone said, opening the door. It was clear that this was their new yoga instructor. "You have all learned your very fist lesson in the divine art of yoga!"

"What do you mean?" Ivy asked skeptically.

"Patience." The nurse smiled. "My being late taught you patience. Which was my intention. Also, the line at Starbucks was massive."

"Whatever. Let's just get this over with." Harvey grumbled.

"So what kind of stuff does Harley make you do?" the Riddler whispered to the Joker. He scowled and didn't respond.

"Everyone, please take a mat and lay it out on the ground." The nurse said, gesturing to a bin full of yoga mats.

"Mistah J, will you get me a mat please?" Harley cooed.

"No."

"Puddin'…" she said warningly. "You know that think you like so much?"

"What about it?"

"I'll stop it."

"Fine." He grumbled.

He tossed a green mat to her. She frowned.

"What?" he asked, irritated.

"Actually, I wanted a purple one…"

"Well, that's your damn fault."

"Puddin'…"

The Joker, jaw clenched, took his own purple mat and threw it to her. She smiled and sweetly handed hers back to him.

"I love you, Mistah J."

"Yeah, I know."

"I don't understand." Harvey muttered to the Joker, setting up next to him. "She's got you wrapped around her little finger! What gives?"

"I don't want to talk about it." The Joker snapped.

"Come on, man, We guys have to stick together. I mean, without your bitter sarcasm and rude advice, Ivy would have driven me insane by now…well, more insane."

"Hey!" Ivy cut in, affronted.

"Sorry babe." Harvey said offhandedly. "It's the truth."

"You don't drive me insane." Crane offered, sitting next to her.

"Yeah, and I'll get you whatever color yoga mat you ask for." The Riddler said, sitting next to Harley.

"This pose is called 'downward facing dog'." The nurse said calmly, positioning herself on the mat. "Can you do this for me?"

And as usual, the expected results ensued.

Harley mastered the pose in a matter of seconds, leaving the Riddler staring at her in awe, Crane attempted the pose and managed some awkward deviation of it, Harvey and the Joker didn't even try, and Ivy stretched out happily, basking in the sunlight that was pouring in through the window.

"You know, Harvey," Ivy was saying. "Maybe if you cared about me a little more, I wouldn't drive you so insane."

"Well, maybe if you drove me less insane, I would CARE A LITTLE MORE!"

"Don't you yell at me!"

"Well, don't get all up in my face!"

"Guys, shh…" the nurse soothed. "This is a time for relaxation."

"I can't relax. Have you ever thought something would be awesome only to find out how not awesome it is?"

"Oh! Is THAT how you feel? Fine." Ivy snapped. "You know who likes me? _Jonathan does_. And he doesn't think I'm…whatever you think I am."

"Psycho."

"Whatever." Ivy muttered, looking away. For a moment, Harvey felt sort of bad, but then he remembered he had a villainous persona to maintain, and shrugged it aside.

"I'm too tall for this mat." The Joker grumbled. "Do you have a longer one?"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"Harvey, shut your trap. Do you have a bigger mat?"

"No Mr. Joker, I'm sorry. I do not. One of the virtues of yoga is learning to work with what you have." The nurse said calmly. "Now show me that downward facing dog."

The Joker scowled and attempted the pose. Harley looked at him and giggled.

"Oh, Mistah J, you sure do look funny."

"Shut up." He snapped. "No one asked you."

"You're bein' mean to me again." She sniffed, contorting her body into a more advanced pose. "Why are you always so mean to me?"

"Because I can get away with it." He replied gruffly.

And it was true. No matter what he did to Harley, no matter what he said- she still stayed.

"I'm breakin' up with you, Mistah J."

What?

"Harley…what?"

"I'm breakin' up with you." She repeated. "You ain't been nothin' but mean to me. Well, not nothin' but mean to me…but you're still mean. Most of the time. If not thirty percent of the time. And that's too much!"

"Harley, come on," he said, sighing. "How many times to we have to go over this?"

"Enough, I guess." She said shortly. "Eddie, you're in luck. I happen to be single now. You have five minutes to ask me out before I move on to Harvey."

"Ask her out man, for god sakes, ASK HER OUT!" Harvey yelled, slamming his fist on the ground. "I do NOT need that girl hanging around my neck!"

"Calm down, everyone. You are ruining the zen." The nurse said. But she wasn't heard over all of the noise.

"Wait…Harley! You can't just…"

"I can and I did." She said, crossing her arms. "Now come on, Eddie. What's it gonna be?"

"Harley!"

"You can it, Mistah J." she said hotly. "I'm sick of you."

"But Harl…" he said feebly, not entirely aware that the whole room was staring at him. His face felt very hot. And his eyes were burning, What was happening?

"Damn, are you _crying_?" Harvey yelled, pointing.

"What? Of course not!"

"Yes you ARE!" he cried, clapping. "You're CRYING!"

"No I'm not!" he snapped, his voice thick. But then a betraying tear fell from his eye.

"Everyone, please. There is no drama in yoga." The nurse soothed. "I want you to breathe…breathe…"

"Dude, I can't believe you're crying." Harvey giggled.

Flushing, the Joker stood up.

"I'm going to get shock therapy." He growled. "Don't wait up."

And he stormed out of the room, leaving Harvey in conniptions.

"Oh, finally that dude is funny. Man. Crying, I swear…"

"Now that that's over," the nurse said, eager to take control back of her class. "I want you to all…"

"Harley, I love you." The Riddler said eagerly, taking her hand. "Riddle me this…"

"Eddie, you're runnin' out of time. I suggest you wrap it up quick." Harley said, looking at the clock and at Harvey, who swallowed.

"Willyougooutwithme?"

"Of course, puddin'!" she cooed, kissing his cheek.

Ivy pretended to vomit.

"Okay, well now that we're past that…" the nurse said, moving past it. "Can you all do this pose for me? This is called the crane."

"Ooh! I like this one."

"Shut it, nerd." Harvey scowled.

"I will not 'shut it'." Crane replied, standing on one leg, balancing with some difficulty.

"Here…" Ivy offered, putting her hands around his waist. "Look at one spot and don't move your eyes. It'll help you balance."

"Good point, Ivy." The nurse said. "It's all in the inner ear…so relax the mind…soothe the senses…"

"I'm gonna buy you flowers, and presents, and clothes…" the Riddler was saying, counting off on his fingers.

"Ooh! Hee hee, yay!" Harley said, clapping. "I sure do like you, Mistah R!"

"Oh, COME ON." Harvey groaned. "Think of something new, will you?"

"No." she pouted.

"You can just call me Eddie." The Riddler said, taking her hand. Harley blushed.

"I hate love." Harvey grumbled.

"Is that so?" Ivy asked him, hands on her hips. "Well then, I guess you won't mind if I do _this_."

And she took Crane's face in her hands and kissed him.

Once she broke off, he smiled dumbly for a second, and then collapsed on the ground.

"Oh no!" she gasped, dropping down next to him. "I forgot to immunize him!"

"What?"

"Harvey," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "Remember when I gave you that shot that made you go owie?"

"Oh. Yeah. Dang, that hurt."

"Well, that was so I wouldn't poison you." She said, looking down at Crane, who was twitching on the floor. She raised her hand. "Can I take him down to the hospital ward? I may have poisoned him."

"Fine, fine." The teacher said, waving her hand aside. Meanwhile, Harley was tied up in a knot on the ground, and the Riddler was looking at her in awe.

"This is going to be so awesome." He whispered.

"I don't think Ivy likes me any more." Harvey frowned, watching her carry Crane out of the door.

"You think?" The Riddler said, attempting a pose. "What was your first clue? The always yelling at you or the kissing another dude?"

"Breathe…breathe…" the teacher was saying. No one was listening.

"Um…probably the yelling at me," Harvey said thoughtfully. "But it really hit me when…"

"It's rhetorical, Harvey." Harley said. "It means you don't have to answer."

"Oh."

Sighing, he sat there for a moment.

"Man, I gotta go talk to the Joker." He said, standing up. "I'll se you guys around."

And he too walked out of the door.

"Dropping like flies," Harley said, shaking her head. "Looks like it's just you and me now, Eddie!"

"Riddle me this…" he said, taking her head in his hands. "What do you get when you combine a jar of mustard sauce and a bowl of hair scrunchies? The way I feel about you."

"Awwww, EDDIE!" she cried, throwing her arms around him.

This was actually too much for the yoga teacher, who gave up, packed up, and left.

"Dude, this sucks."

"You're telling me."

Harvey and the Joker were sitting in their cell, each on their respective beds. The Joker had just been released from shock therapy, but they had refused to do anything to him. Apparently, you needed a doctor's note to be shocked. Which was a surprise to the Joker. He would have thought that if the biggest criminal threat in all of Gotham wandered into the shock room, _asking_ them to erase all of the thoughts in his mind, they would have done it for him.

But no.

"I just never thought she'd actually leave." The Joker sighed, shrugging.

"Ivy called me a jerk." Harvey said thoughtfully. "Am I really a jerk?"

"Honestly? Yes, yes you are."

"Humph."

"But it doesn't matter." The Joker said, sitting up straight. "Because we're gonna get them back."

"The hell we are." Harvey said, slamming his fist on his bed. "Who are we kidding? WE SUCK! Look at us! We're JERKS! I'm an asshole, you're an asshole…and Crane and Nigma…they're sensitive! We just can't compete man! Give it up! IT'S HOPELESS!"

"Get a GRIP, Harvey!" the Joker yelled, shaking his friend by the shoulders. "Get your god damned HEAD IN THE GAME! We are two competent, strong, and (mostly) intelligent and attractive super villains! WE CAN WIN THEM BACK!"

"Okay." He sniffed.

"Are you with me?"

"I am."

"I said ARE YOU WITH ME?"

"YEAH!" he yelled, standing up. "LET'S WIN THEM CHICKS BACK!"

High fiving, they sat down and began their plan…


	8. Anger Management

Hi everyone!

I just wanted to thank you all so much for reading and reviewing this story, cause I don't think I've thanked you yet…so thanks! I never guessed this would turn out to be so epic, and yet…

TigressSami, since you seem to be the most prominent reviewer at this point, I'll reply to your comments… thank you for your suggestions! I actually think I meant to use hydrochloric acid, I just spelled it wrong. Oops :p. And I'm not sure if this matches with anything I said in the first chapter, soccer, (I wrote it ages ago, I can't really remember the exact details) but I think I decided to forgo the Rachel/Harvey story, so that the Joker and Harvey could be 'friends'. And the Joker and Harley have always had an odd love/hate relationship, I didn't make that up. Harvey/Ivy and Harley/Riddler I am completely guilty for though :D. Thanks for all of your suggestions! Thanks for reading anyway through all of the blemishes.

And don't be alarmed by 'Doctor Fabulous' on the reviews, I know him, and as his name suggests, he is quite fabulous.

So with that, here is a further installment of the Arkham Chronicles. I do not own DC or any of its characters. I never have.

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We open on a regular scene in Arkham Asylum…

"I…HATE…PANCAKES!!!"

"Now, sir…" the nurse at the food station stammered, cowering a little at the huge man who seethed before her. "All we have for breakfast today is panca…"

"I DON'T CARE!" he roared, slamming his fist down on his tray, catapulting his milk across the cafeteria. "I HATE THEM!"

The Joker sighed and tugged on the arm of his irate friend.

"Come on Harvey, it's only breakfast."

"BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY!"

"Okay, you have to quit the all-caps deal. It's getting on my nerves."

"Sorry. But I hate pancakes!"

"I think we've got that." The Joker said, steering him out of the line. "But you're holding up the line here. Just sit down and do whatever hocus-pocus they do to calm you down in anger management, hmm? I have to go talk to Harley."

"I tried talking to Ivy yesterday." Harvey muttered.

"And?"

"She yelled at me with all of these 'smart' words and ran off. I don't know, I think it's pretty much…"

"I don't have time for your moaning." The Joker snapped, sitting Harvey down at a table. "I'm going to get pancakes."

"I HATE…"

"Riddle me this, _Harvey_." The Riddler said, rubbing his ears as he passed by. "I have a headache."

"That's not a riddle."

"Why is it that you always expect riddles from me?" he sighed.

"Because it's what you do, you twat."

"Well sure," he shrugged. "But they can't all be riddles, can they? I also enjoy jokes, puns, word problems, puzzles, conundrums, brainteasers…"

"Well, you aren't The Brainteaser, you're The Riddler. So stop with the complaints pronto." Harvey grumbled.

"Well isn't _this_ a riddle!" he exclaimed, sitting next to him. "Harvey Dent, asking that I tell more riddles!"

"I never said…"

"I'll start thinking up more right away!" he exclaimed gleefully. "Oh, with numbers, and colors, and…"

He didn't have time to finish, due to the large fist that collided painfully with his face.

"Riddle me THIS, ASSHOLE!" Harvey yelled, both fists cocked. "I HATE YOUR DAMN RIDDLES!"

"Now Mr. Dent…" a nurse warned, slowly approaching him. He swung a fist at her and she ducked, but just barely.

"Harvey!" Ivy screeched, running up to him. "How could you hit poor Eddie like that?"

"Where have you BEEN?" he yelled. "I ALWAYS punch him! On an average of about four times a day!"

"You're a bully." She frowned, leaning over the Riddler.

"EDDIE!" Harley screamed, bolting into the cafeteria. The Joker was running after her. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MY EDDIE?"

"WHY IS EVERYONE SO SURPRISED?"

"The pain…" the Riddler gasped melodramatically. "Oh…how it hurts…!"

"Oh, Eddie." Harley sniffed, kneeling over him. "You're such a bully!" she yelled, pointing at Harvey.

"Yeah, so I hear." He said irritably. "Well guess what. I PUNCH HIM FOUR TIMES A DAY!"

People were starting to gather as Harvey yelled.

"AND HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE…"

"Harvey, we've talked about the yelling." The Joker said, approaching him.

"I DON'T CARE!" he yelled, smacking him. The Joker growled,

"That is IT!" he screamed. "I have TRIED and TRIED to be patient with you, but I can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

And he launched at him, clawing viciously at Harvey's face.

"Yeah, you get him Joker!" Harley called, still bent over the Riddler.

"That's MISTAH J, TO YOU!" he screeched, bringing his hand to her face, slapping her hard, sending her flying over the floor.

She didn't scream. She didn't cry. She just looked up at him, her eyes cold.

"Yeah. Just like the good old times, _puddin_'." She said bitterly, her hand on her face where the Joker hit her.

"That's it!" a nurse said shortly, walking briskly into the middle of the huddle. "Anger management. All of you. Now!"

Tapping them all firmly on the back, she ushered them out of the cafeteria and down the hallway, into a small room with a circle of chairs.

"Sit." She commanded, pointing to the chairs. "This is getting way out of hand."

"Is that a pun?" the Riddler asked hopefully. She shook her head at him, and his head fell.

"Now, I know you guys have always had your issues with each other…"

Harvey snorted.

"But this has gone too far." She continued, glaring at him. "So I want all of you to briefly state your opinion on the group as a whole. We'll start with you, Mr. Crane."

"Very well." He said stiffly, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I think you're all a bunch of dimwitted dolts (save for you, my dear) who have nothing better to do than whale on each other all day."

"Excellent. It's good to get those feelings out there." The nurse said, nodding. "Mr. Nigma?"

"Nobody likes my riddles!" he wailed. "Do you know what I do every night? I stay up until THREE AM EVERY NIGHT writing riddles for you people, and NO ONE appreciates them. No one. So here's a riddle for you. Screw you! SCREW ALL OF YOU!"

"Very…good." The nurse said. "Sit down, if you please."

He then seemed to realize he was standing on his chair, panting. Embarrassed, he grinned sheepishly and sat back down.

"Miss Quinn? Would you like to go next?"

"Sure. I think you're all lovely. Except you, ya big lousy clown. You ain't even funny."

"Now that's uncalled for." He scowled, crossing his arms.

"Can I go next?" Ivy asked, raising her hand. "I would just like to say how proud I am of Harley, who against all the odds, finally realized that the Joker is an ass. It only took her six years."

"Nine."

"Whatever."

"Yeah? Well I think people deserve a second chance." Harvey said, turning his attention to Ivy.

"Give it up." She said stiffly. "Harley may be an idiot, but I'm not."

"Hey!"

"Sorry Harl, it's the truth."

"…I know."

"Mr. Dent, a few minutes ago, you said people deserve second chances." The nurse said, crossing her legs. "Could you extrapolate more?"

"Could I trample your pole?"

"She means explain more, you simple minded fool." Crane muttered, rolling his eyes. "Can I go please? I have no problems with managing my anger, thank you very much."

"Please, Mr. Dent, continue." The nurse said, ignoring Crane. "Do you think you deserve a second chance? Not just with Pamela, but in society? Do murderers really deserve second chances? Robbers? Sadists and killers?"

"Well…yeah." He shrugged.

"You aren't supposed to say that." The nurse frowned, looking down at her clipboard. "You're sure?"

"Yeah. I think they should let me out of here right now. Of course, I'd be on my thirtieth try, but…yeah."

"Mr. Dent, you really think that murderers should be let back into society?"

"Um, DUH!" he exclaimed, shaking his head. "That's like saying, hey Harvey, you wanna leave? Um, no actually, I'm a danger to society. Sorry. I'll just stay in this CRAP HOLE you call an ASYLUM!"

"Mr. Dent…"

"And I'd like to discuss the brief matter of PANCAKES…" he yelled, standing up so fast, his chair knocked over.

"Mr. Dent…" the nurse said warningly.

"NO! NO! I'M SICK OF THIS CRAP! I'M SICK OF…"

And in a surprising turn of events, it was Harvey Dent who was deemed unstable and wheeled off to shock therapy.

"You haven't asked me what I think about these sad sacks." The Joker said, grinning, tipping back in his chair. "Do you know what I think?"

"What do you think, Mr. Joker?"

"I think they're all quite a delight." He said, smiling. "Every single one of them.

"Do you…do you really mean that?" the Riddler asked, sitting up straight in his chair.

"Oh, absolutely, Eddie! I _love_ the look on your face when you get punched! Delightful! And you, Crane. The way you get picked on because you're literally no physical threat whatsoever…charming! And don't get me started on Ivy. Why, her cold malevolence towards me is simply endearing. And my dear, dear Harley…"

"You mentioned that Jonathon Crane poses no physical threat." The nurse frowned, looking at him intently. "While just a few weeks ago, he proved a great threat when angered. What do you think about that?"

"What? I don't remember that." He said, frowning.

"You were in a post shock haze." Crane reminded him sadly. "You never saw me in my brightest hour.

"Hmm. Real shame." The Joker sighed, rolling his eyes. "Are we done here? Usually we get roped into some sort of sport or something like that and it ends in a whole big mess. Are we getting to that, or…"

"I'm sure you'll all lose your temper one at a time sooner or later," the nurse sighed. "Now I want you to think for a moment about your happiest memory here…" she paused while the Joker broke out into raucous laughter, "and then share it with us."

"I have one." The Riddler said, raising his hand. "When Harley left the Joker for me. She is the light in my life, the one bright…"

He was cut short by the Joker, who was grinding his teeth at him.

"Very good!" the nurse applauded.

"I try."

"Mine was when the Joker got shocked so hard he couldn't function." Ivy said, smirking. "And if things go the way I think they will, I'll be able to recreate my happiest memory here."

"Oh, Ivy." The Joker said, blushing. "You shouldn't have."

"Go crawl in a hole and die."

"Now, Ivy." The nurse said, looking at her sternly. "That isn't a way to talk to your fellow inmate. I want you to apologize to him."

"Hee hee, yes! Apologize, my dear Ivy! I want to hear you say you're sorry."

"Movin' on already." Harley sniffed, crossing her arms..

"Harley, I've told you a thousand times. I won't say it again. But right now, I'm trying to force an apology out of Ivy here. Say it, Pammy. Tell me you're sorry."

"I won't." she snapped, crossing her arms.

"Pamela," the nurse warned. "I want you to…"

But she didn't have time to finish, for the door opened and a highly sedated Harvey stumbled in, a grin on his face.

"They told me to…come back." He said, flopping over in a chair in quite the odd position. "Said I…woah Ivy, when did you get a twin sister?"

"Riddle me THIS!" The Riddler exclaimed, standing up. "What do you get when you cross…"

"We don't want to hear it." The Joker groaned. "This is painful enough as it is.

"No! I will find a riddle everyone likes! IT MUST BE DONE!"

"You're an idiot."

"I can work with that." He shrugged. "I just need to be an idiot that makes good riddles."

"That will never happen." Crane said stiffly, leaning back in his chair. "Do you know what my dearest memory is? When the lights hit me and I started to perform…and you, my dear, your shining face beaming…"

"She still hasn't apologized to me."

"You're an ass. How's that for an apology?"

"It actually doesn't sound like one at all." The Joker frowned. "Try- Dear Mr. Joker. I am ever so sorry I was mean to you. I said you were an ass and should die, but really I meant you are charming and handsome. Please accept my apology. Love, Ivy."

"I'd do what he says, Ivy." Harley advised. "He gets real mad real quick. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons I LEFT YOU!"

"IT'S NOT MY DAMN FAULT!" the Joker yelled. "I'm a SUPER VILLAIN! What the hell do you EXPECT?"

"I'm sensitive." The Riddler said smugly, putting his arm around Harley. "I would never hit her."

"I'm going to hit you if you don't shut your ugly face." The Joker scowled.

"Nicely put." Crane said dryly. Harvey responded by drooling a little bit.

"Do you wanna fight, Joker?" the Riddler asked, standing up. "DO YOU?"

"You want to fight ME?" the Joker asked, laughing. "Oh, this should be great. You suck!"

"I do not _suck_." The Riddler scowled, his shoulders tense. "Riddle me this, Joker. When two immovable objects meet…"

"You're almost right, Eddie." The Joker agreed. "I am an immovable object. You, on the other hand…"

"Don't hurt my Eddie!" Harley cried, yanking the Riddler back in his chair as the Joker swung at him, so that he barely missed his head.

"Please, can I GO?" Crane sighed. "We're getting nowhere with this."

"I would now ask you all to briefly discuss you greatest fear with the person sitting next to you." The nurse said. "Crane, you're welcome to go."

"Never mind, I'll stay."

"Sucker." The Riddler muttered. Meanwhile, Crane had sprung to his feet and raced over to an empty seat next to the Joker.

"Oh, would you look at that." He said, his eyes wide. "It appears I'm next to the Joker! Wow. What's your greatest fear?"

"I've told you A HUNDRED TIMES, I have no fear."

"Is that so?" Crane smirked. "Well. We'll see about that. Did you or did you not slap your so called 'beloved' across the face because she addressed you with the incorrect name?"

"Maybe."

"I see. Why do you think that was?"

"Because I hate seeing her with that twat." He scowled, glaring at the Riddler, who waved merrily. "Why?"

"No reason…" Crane said, pressing the tips of his fingers together. "How long have you been with Harley, exactly?"

"What's it to you?"

"Would you rather discuss your greatest fear?"

"About six years."

"I see…you've grown rather attached to her, haven't you?"

"I…I guess…" he shrugged. "She attached to me more than I attached to her though."

"I see. Now, this separation…is that hard?"

"She's gone off before. It honestly doesn't surprise me."

"You've done it." Crane said, his eyes glistening. "You've just given me the last piece of the puzzle!"

"Piece of what?"

"For years I've been trying to figure out what your greatest fear was…" he said, shaking with excitement. "Years! YEARS! And I've finally got it."

"What do you mean?" he asked, his eyes narrow slits.

"All of those odd questions I ask you…I document them. Write them down here!" he said, holding up a journal that was dog eared and worn. "You see? All of these little tid-bits add up to your greatest fear!"

"I have no fear." He growled.

"Oh, I think you do, my dear friend." Crane said, bursting at the seams with glee. "I rather think you do!"

"I wanna hear…" Harvey muttered, his head lolling.

"Yeah, and then can Harley tell us his real name?" Ivy asked, raising her hand. "You know for once, I like where this meeting is going."

"The Joker's true fear…is…drum roll? Anyone? No? Fine. LONELINESS! The Joker's greatest fear is loneliness!"

"WHAT?" he yelled. "That's ridiculous! You couldn't have given me a cool one like, snakes or…volcanoes or something?"

"No. You're afraid of loneliness." Crane said, starting to circle him. "It all adds up. For six years you stick with Harley…and why? Because you _need her there_. On July 6th of last year, you mentioned you had no family. Lonely. This past September the 19th, you said you had no real friends."

"Hey!" Harvey protested weakly.

"And you just told me that you and Harley have been together for six years." Crane said, rocking back and forth on his heels." Quite the length of time, considering you don't seem to like her very much…"

"You watch it, buddy." The Joker growled, standing up. He towered over Crane, but it didn't faze him.

"But that's not all!" he cried gleefully. "Now that Harley's left you, you have nothing left! No one! And in missing her, you have nothing left to do but take out all of your bottled up emotions and fears in the form of physical rage."

The Joker responded with a prime example of physical rage, and soon Crane was out cold on the floor.

"Is…is that true?" Harley asked carefully, looking up at the Joker.

"No."

"Mistah J…" she said warningly.

"Harley, not with all of these people here…" he muttered, noticing that everyone was looking at him intently. But she raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. "Fine." He snapped. "I miss you. Okay? Will you come back now?"

"No," she sighed, examining her fingernails. "You hit me."

"Harley…"

"No!" she cried. "You can't even give me a stinkin' apology! You know all you do is hurt me, when all I give you is LOVE?"

"Is THAT what you want?" the Joker cried, throwing his arms in the air. "LOVE? Well if you had just TOLD me…"

"I thought it was OBVIOUS!" she cried back. "YOU DON'T SMACK THE PEOPLE YOU WANT TO BE WITH!"

"I've never HAD ANYONE WHO WANTED TO BE WITH ME!" he yelled at her. "SO DON'T BE SO SURPRISED WHEN I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT!"

"DO YOU LOVE ME OR NOT?"

"I FREAKIN' LOVE YOU!" he screamed.

The Joker and Harley, who were both standing up, panting heavily, looked at each other for a split second. Both Harley and the Joker could read the other in a split second. Slowly, the Joker made his way across the circle to Harley, put his hands on her small shoulders, and kissed her.

"Aw, COME ON!" the Riddler groaned, sliding down onto the ground. "WHY? THAT IS THE RIDDLE!"

"Mr. Nigma, sit back down. Joker, Miss Quinn, please return to your seats."

When Harley was returned back in her chair, her face was split into a huge smile.

"Idiot." Ivy muttered.

"Still waiting on that apology." The Joker grinned. She replied to him by giving him the finger.

But Harley still didn't know for sure. Sure, she had been with the Joker almost longer than she could remember, and yeah, he was one heck of a wild ride, but Eddie was sweet, and she thought his riddles were funny…

She didn't let it show on her face, but she still didn't know which one to pick.

Making a mental note to borrow Harvey's coin, she sat back in her chair and watched as the meeting progressed and as disaster unfolded, everything going by in a blur as she reflected on what had just happened.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Kind of a different chapter, I know. I had to get all of the drama out of the way though, so there can be double the comedy later, I promise. Reviews are appreciated! Thanks for sticking with me on this.

And I just realized that they never learned how to control their anger...but if they had, there wouldn't be much of a story left. Can you imagine?

"Well, I say, Joker, I think you cheated on this card game."

"What are you going to do about, Harvey?"

"Count backwards from ten to one and make good choices."

I'll try and update soon! 3


	9. Improv

Hello! I know, it's been a REALLY LONG TIME since I've added a new chapter, but I finally wrote one yesterday, so here it is! Fresh out of my brain for your enjoyment. The reason it's been taking me so long is I'm trying to write an actual novel with characters out of my own brain instead of the ones who bore Batman...so yeah. But that aside, here is the latest chapter, hope you enjoy!

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"Maybe I'll say and maybe I won't." Harley Quinn quipped in a sing song voice. Both the Joker and the Riddler scowled, shooting dark glances at each other.

Everyone was in their cell, getting ready to face the wonder of the day. The cell the Joker shared with Harvey Dent was adjacent to the cell the Riddler and Jonathon Crane, the Scarecrow shared. Across the hallway was Harley and Poison Ivy.

"Harley..." the Joker said, his teeth clenched. "It's been two weeks. You need to make up your mind already."

"There's no rush, dear." The Riddler said in a voice that was almost a little TOO calm. "Just take your time. I can't imagine what a riddle this whole thing must be."

"Earth to stupid. Not everything is a riddle." the Joker growled.

"Ah, but this is!" he exclaimed, standing up, holding up a finger. "To choose between two loves is the greatest challenge of all!"

"She doesn't love you."

"Hey, you let me talk for myself." Harley pouted. "And I love you both, in your own special ways."

"That doesn't even make sense." the Joker muttered.

"Then could you say it's a..."

"Shut up."

"Done."

"Have you heard?" Crane asked excitedly, poking his head through the bars to join the conversation. "We have improv class today!"

"What?" Harvey yelled, also sticking his head through the bars. "That's idiotic."

"Not as idiotic as you." Ivy retorted, sticking her tongue out at him. Harvey growled.

"No luck yet?" the Joker muttered. He shook his head morosely. That is, he shook it as much as he could manage, what with his head being between the bars and all.

"I'm pretty sure she loathes me. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Ivy has loathed me for years." he replied, patting him on the back. "Can't help you there."

"Figures." he muttered.

"I'm excited for improv." Harley said mildly. "When I was in high school..."

"Let me guess." Crane sighed. "You were marvelous and everyone loved you and whatever it was that you did."

"...Yeah!" she said, nodding. "That's true. But that's not what I was going to say. What I was GOING to say was that when I was in high school, these two boys fought over me constantly, and they..."

"Just a question. What does this have to do with improv?" Ivy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It doesn't. But it DOES pertain to what's happening now. What with two boys fighting over me..."

"You know what this is Riddler?" the Joker interrupted, looking at him. "This is just another one of your feeble attempts at competition with me. I become the Joker, you become the Riddler, which is the EXACT same idea..."

"It is not!" he replied hotly. "I became the Riddler as a symbol of my inner psychosis! My mind is one huge riddle, and being the Riddler is me attempting to figure myself out! And besides, riddles and jokes are nothing alike. Riddles challenge the mind, they ask deep questions, they make you look inside of yourself. Jokes are just dumb."

"Jokes are MY way of unleashing hate and fear among the people of Gotham." the Joker snapped back. "They aren't STUPID. Harvey, back me up here."

"I have recorded every dumb riddle you have ever said." Harvey nodded, pulling a notebook out of his pocket. "Last month, on the twenty third, approximately 3:15 in the afternoon, you said 'What do you get when you brush your teeth and play the tuba at the same time?'. And your answer to this was 'a piccolo'."

"The great question of life, do we judge based on who we are now, or what we were in the past?"

"I'd punch if you weren't so far away."

"Hello everyone!" a nurse said cheerily, walking into the hallway. "Are you all excited for improv?"

Crane and Ivy both nodded enthusiastically, but everyone else was mostly indifferent. The nurse came around and unlocked the bars, and everyone slid their heads out of said bars.

That is- except for Harvey.

"Come on, you big lug" the Joker said, stepping out of the cell. "We have to go partake in another group activity."

"Right behind you," he grunted, his face extremely red. The Joker paused. The other villains started to gather around the cell.

"Mr. Dent? We really must be going now." the nurse said. "Please come with us."

"I said I was right behind you!" he snapped, grunting again. The Joker started to laugh.

"Is your head STUCK?"

"No!" he said defensively. "I'm just really comfortable here."

"You are! You are stuck!" the Joker cried gleefully, kneeling beside his head. "I always knew you were BIG HEADED!"

"Oh Mistah J, you're too funny!" Harley cooed, stroking his arm. The Riddler noticed this.

"Yeah? Well riddle me this! What do you get when you mix a big dumbhead and cell bars?"

"You know what Riddler? I like where this is going." Ivy grinned, looking at Harvey, who was helplessly trapped in the iron bars.

"I'll go get the manager." the nurse sighed, walking away.

"Try and turn your head sideways." Harley offered helpfully. Harvey obliged, and turned his head sideways, but the fact still stood that his head was just too big to pull back through.

"It hurts!" he cried, distraught. "This side of my face is extremely susceptible to pain!"

"You got your head in there, you can get it back out." Crane said matter-of-factly. "It just needs a bit of lubricant is all."

"Oh, I have..."

"Harley, quiet." the Joker snapped quickly.

At this time, the nurse came back, accompanied with two other nurses. One was holding a jar of Vaseline, the other, some butter.

"Butter is so fattening." he grumbled morosely. "I have a figure to keep up."

"Tell me about it!" Harley agreed, sighing. "The cafeteria food here is so awful."

The nurse began smearing butter and vaseline on his face, both sides of it. Harvey kept his limps clamped shut.

Ivy looked at him, and looked at the distress etched on his face. Her hard expression melted just a little bit, but she still refused to give in.

"Okay Mr. Dent, try it now."

He pulled, but still felt some resistance, so he stopped.

"I can't!" he moaned. The nurses exchanged exasperated looks. After muttering to each other, one of the nurses nodded and walked away.

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" Harvey yelled.

"We're going to go on to your scheduled group activity," another nurse said to the group. "Mr. Dent will join you once he's been freed."

Ivy shot one last glance back at Harvey before they walked away.

They gathered in the multipurpose room with the nurse who had ushered them there.

"Are you ready for some improv?" she asked excitedly, clapping her hands together. Harley, Crane, and Ivy all nodded enthusiastically. The Joker and the Riddler just glared at each other.

"I'm gonna punch you so hard..." the Joker growled in a low voice.

"Not if I punch you first."

"You've never punched anyone."

"I'll start with you."

"Try me."

"Mr. Joker, Mr. Nigma, please." the nurse said. "Now, other nurses have said that you're a very difficult group to work with, that you always end up yelling at each other, and someone always gets sent to shock therapy, but I think that deep down, you're all a bunch of calm, reasonable individuals."

The Joker burst into laughter.

"I must say, I agree." Crane nodded. "But I think we should get as far as we can today without bursting into chaos, because improv is an excellent way to express oneself."

"Excellent suggested, Mr. Crane!" the nurse smiled. "Okay. For our first exercise, we are going to do scene building. I want you to all line up beside that wall. The first person in the line will pose as an object, such as a bench, the sun, a fountain...and the rest of you will also make poses, creating a scene. Does that make sense?"

"I love this exercise." Harley clapped.

"I want to go first." the Joker said, raising his hand.

"Excellent!" the nurse praised. The Joker volunteering to go first? Perhaps this was a breakthrough for him.

The Joker stretched for a few seconds, and then walked to the middle of the room, and with his fingers, stretched the corners of his red lips and pulled them far apart, sticking his tongue out, crossing his eyes.

"What are you, exactly?" the nurse asked, frowing.

He sighed.

"I'm the Batman, obviously."

Harley, who was next in line, squealed and ran into the scene, raising an imaginary hammer to 'Batman's' head.

"And I'm gonna smack him!" she cried happily.

"I'm the police, arresting him." Crane offered, wrapping his hands around the Joker's wrists like handcuffs.

"And I'M punching him in the face!" the Riddler yelled, doing exactly that.

"HEY!" the Joker yelled, dropping his pose. "You can't do that!"

"This isn't what I had in mind..." the teacher frowned. "I was expecting a zoo scene. Or a park scene."

"Really?" the Riddler asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then you don't know us very well, lady."

At this moment, Harvey reentered the room, looking rather sullen. His face (the normal side, that is) was extremely red.

Ivy's face at this point was one of sheer pity.

"We're gonna need a new cell." he grumbled to the Joker.

"Why?"

"They had to saw me out."

The Joker bit his lip to refrain from laughing.

"Excellent, you can join us in the activities!" the nurse said happily. Harvey reached into his pocket, and his expression went from one of irritation to anger to great distress.

"Is...something the matter, Mr. Dent?" the nurse asked.

"I can't find it. It's gone. It's not here. Oh my god, oh my god, IT'S NOT HERE!"

Harvey dropped to all fours and started patting the ground frantically?

"Are you okay?" the Joker asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, apart from the diagnosed insanity."

"My coin, my coin..." he moaned. "I don't have it!"

"I'm sure it's around somewhere," Ivy offered. He only scowled.

"You don't understand. I NEED that coin to make my decisions. And I'm sorry, but without it, I can't participate in the activities."

"It's required that you do so." the nurse said firmly. "Can Harley and the Joker please come up?"

They did so.

"We're partners." Harley smiled. The Joker fought the urge to scowl, because while Harley annoyed him, he couldn't lose her to the Riddler. He just couldn't.

"Okay, here is your scenario. You're married." she paused to let Harley squeal in delight, and then continued. "Harley, you want to paint the living room red, but the Joker has painted it a different color. Go!"

"Well, that's boring." the Joker muttered.

"I see you painted the living room!" Harley began, skipping up to the Joker.

"Oh yes. I have painted it. Isn't it ever so lovely?"

"You such at acting." Crane muttered. The Joker shot him a glare, and he fell silent.

"But I wanted it painted red!" Harley pouted. "You painted it purple."

"Purple is a royal color." he said, crossing his arms.

"Purple is gay!" Harvey yelled. The Joker gave him the finger.

"But I expressly asked for it in red!" Harley pressed.

"Um...the store didn't have red?"

"This room sucks!" she yells. "I HATE IT!"

And she ran out of the room, crying. The Joker looked perplexed.

"I am confused in so many ways right now."

Harley then reentered the room and bowed. There was a faint, unsure applause as she took her seat. The Joker shrugged it off and sat down too.

"Good job guys! Now can I have...Mr. Nigma and Mr. Dent?"

"I can't do..."

"This isn't a request." she said sweetly. "It's an order. Now come to the front of the room."

They both obliged and shuffled up to the front of the room.

"Here is your scenario. Mr. Dent, you are Mr. Nigma's doctor. He is convinced that there is something wrong with him, but there really isn't."

"I don't agree with this scenario." Harvey interjected. "There is something very wrong with him."

"That's why it's called acting." The Riddler said. "Now let's do this!"

"Fine." he grumbled.

"Doctor, I KNOW there's something wrong with me." he began, wringing his hands together. "I just know it! Tell it to me straight. What is it? Strep throat? Cancer? SWINE FLU?"

"There is nothing wrong with you." Harvey said flatly. "You are perfectly healthy. A little insane, perhaps, but other than that, you are fine."

"That's not true." he insisted, shaking his head. "I just know I'm sick. The other day, I had an itch on my arm, and I looked it up on Web MD, and it told me I had measles. Can you write me a prescription for measles?"

"You don't have measles."

"Oh, I knew it." he moaned. "I have whooping cough. How long do I have to live?"

"No one gets whooping cough anymore, idiot." Harvey grumbled. "It's not the fourteen hundreds."

"But what is life but one big case of the whooping cough?" he pressed. "Riddle me this- when you fall down a cliff and get the whooping cough, but you don't..."

"I'm gonna stop you there." Harvey interrupted, holding up a hand. "Because you are THIS close to getting punched in the face. Now. If you look at your chart, you can clearly see..."

"I knew it." he said, running his hands through his hair. "Tuberculosis. I've been coughing up blood. I choked on some kool-aid, and I coughed up blood."

"To be fair, I think you coughed up kook-aid."

"No, it was blood." he insisted. "My blood tastes like cherry."

Harvey blinked.

"You know what? You're right. You DO have a problem."

"Is it AIDS?"

"No."

"SUPER AIDS?"

"There's no such thing as Super AIDS!" Harvey yelled. "YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

"I could say the same thing about you, my good sir." he sniffed, crossing his arms. "Coming in here and telling me I'm healthy, how dare you.."

"Okay guys, good!" the nurse said, clapping. "You may sit back down."

But the Riddler continued to look nervous and sat back down. Harvey, still rather distressed about his coin, sat down, still searching his pockets.

"Mr. Crane and Ms. Isley, it's your turn." the nurse said. They both smiled and stood up. "You scenario- you are both dating, but one of you is breaking up with the other. Go."

"I don't want to break up with Ivy!" Crane said, looking at the nurse. "Even for the sake of theater!"

"Then I'll do it." she said. "Darling, we need to talk."

"Hypothetically talk?"

"Yes. Hypothetically." she said, rolling her eyes. "Get into character."

"Right. Um, what about, my dear?"

"I just don't think this can work anymore." Ivy said, taking his hand. Worry sunk into his face.

"But why?"

"I...I love someone else." she said dramatically, forcing a tear to appear in one of her green eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"But how will I go on?" he cried, equally dramatically. "I need you like I have needed no one else!"

"You don't need me." she whispered. "I'm not good for you."

"You're everything to me!"

"But you aren't everything to me." she said quietly, letting go of his hand.

There was silence.

Then the nurse burst into applause.

"Terrific! Tremendous! Excellent job!"

"I must say," Crane said, laughing. "You are very convincing. For I second, I thought maybe you were really..."

"I was."

"...what?"

"I'm a free spirit." she told him. "I can't be attached to anyone."

"But...Ivy..."

"YES!" Harvey yelled, pumping his fist in the air. "I WIN!"

"I'm not coming back to you," she said, frowning.

"But you said you loved..."

"Oh, that was acting. The rest was real."

"Damn."

"So what can we learn from this?" the nurse asked, moving along. "What can we learn from improv?" Harley raised her hand.

"How to become famous?"

"Well, maybe, but what else?"

"How to work with others, how to cooperate, how to read other people." Crane muttered, looking extremely put out. "Whatever else you want to hear."

"Do I have super AIDS?" The Riddler asked, raising his hand.

"There is NO SUCH THING!" the Joker yelled, but Harley was looking at him with concern.

"I've made my decision." she said finally. The Joker and the Riddler both snapped around to look at her.

"What is it?"

"Eddie, I'm sorry, but I can't date someone with super AIDS."

"THERE'S NO...never mind. Very good Harley." the Joker grinned.

"So I pick Mistah J." she said smugly, wrapping her arms around him. "He's all I ever really needed."

"That was the most predictable choice EVER." Harvey put in.

"Well, excuse me!" she said, sticking her tongue out at him. "I happen to love Mistah J with all of my heart. And I always have. I don't know I ever could have doubted you, puddin'."

"It was because I slapped you."

"...Apart from that." she said, shaking her head.

"Well, good job today, you guys!" the nurse said. "Next week, you'll all be partaking in an aerobics class, don't forget."

"Finally, they've decided to tell us ahead of time." Harvey scowled.

And the dysfunctional group of villains all went back to their respective cells. That is, apart from Harvey and the Joker. See, there were no more cells left, so they were spilt up and put in other cells. Harvey was put in the Riddler and Crane's cell, where ha and Crane both mourned the unobtainable nature of Poison Ivy. The Joker was moved to another floor, where he was placed with a schizophrenic and his verbally abusive "friend".

The joker had never been so sad in the event of Harvey's absence.

* * *

As always, thank you so much for reading, and I hope you review (please review, it keeps me motivated to write more). And remember, no matter how long it takes me, I will write more. Promise.


	10. Aerobics

Yay, here's another chapter. Sorry it takes me forever to update :( I try, I really do.  
All of that aside- I have OFFICIALLY run out of ideas. So, if you have any more ideas for what these lovely villains can do during their time at Arkham, by all means, tell me what they are and I will do them. Because I've got nothing. I really want to continue the story, and I'm going to try and force something else out of my mind, but if you have something you really want to see happen, then tell me. I'll absolutely put it in (as long as it's not TOTALLY ridiculous. As you can tell, most ridiculousness is appreciated).  
That said, thank you for all of the lovely reviews. I love each and every one of you. So here is Arkham Aerobics.

* * *

"So when is someone going to tell me what aerobics is?" Harvey asked grumpily as the six inmates made their way to the Arkham gym. "Because I still don't know."

"Can you get any dumber?" the Joker sighed.

"Probably. But seriously. What is it?"

"It's basically just exercisin'," Harley cut in. "It's directed at improvin' your heart and lungs."

"And how is that supposed to make us not crazy?" he grumbled. Harley shrugged.

"It works on the heart," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's supposed to make us nice?"

"You know that's not how the heart works." Crane said seriously. "The heart is nothing more than a four chambered vessel that pumps blood and oxygen through your veins and arteries, it has nothing to do with feelings."

"Shows what you know." Harley said defensively, crossing her arms.

"Is that what they teach you at Harvard?" he pressed, raising an eyebrow. Harley only scowled.

"Yeah? What college did you go to, smarty pants?"

"...Harvard."

"Then you can't say nothin'."

As they entered the gym, a nurse was waiting for them- a towel around her waist. She was also in a bathing suit.

Harvey gagged.

"That's is not a pretty sight."

"I second that." the Joker agreed.

"I don't even have a riddle for this." Nigma said, frowning. "But I do have a question- why has this image engraved itself upon so cruelly on my eyes?"

"Heads it's because we're being tortured today, tails it's we have to go swimming." Harvey offered.

"Can it be both?"

"Nah, I left my three sided coin at home. OF COURSE IT CAN BE BOTH!"

"No need to get all 'yelly'." the Riddler sniffed. Harvey rolled his eyes.

"Okay, what's the deal?" Ivy asked, crossing her arms. "I thought this was aerobics, not a beauty pageant for the aesthetically challenged."

"This IS aerobics." the nurse said, clapping her hands together once. "Water aerobics! I thought they told you that?"

The six villains shook their heads. The nurse shrugged.

"Well, you know now. In any case...follow me to the pool!"

"We don't have bathing suits." Crane pointed out. "And I'm not getting my clothes all wet. We're only allowed to do laundry every week, and SOMEONE..." he glared directly at the Riddler, "soiled all of my clothes while trying to bake cookies in our cell with a magnifying glass and sunlight."

"It almost worked!" he yelled back at him. "I didn't have any baking soda."

"Yes, THAT was the only problem." Crane grumbled.

"No worries," the nurse said, gesturing for them to follow her, which they did. "There are plenty of extra bathing suits in storage."

"I don't like the sound of that." the Joker grumbled as they were all ushered into the pool room.

Nobody knew why there was a pool in Arkham. It seemed like an odd thing to have in an insane asylum...but there it was, relatively nice, compared to the rest of the building.

The nurse disappeared for a minute or two, in which the inmates looked at each other curiously.

"I hope mine's pink." Harley said, rocking back and forth on her feet. "I don't look real good in sea-foam green."

She was, of course, referring to the color of the Arkham uniforms.

The Riddler was looking quite uneasy. Harvey, on the other hand, was absolutely beside himself.

"I hope you all ordered your tickets to the gun show..." he said, smirking. Everyone rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"I'm not comfortable with this..." the Riddler said as the nurse dragged a box into their cluster. "I'd feel more comfortable staying out of the water..."

"Oh, come on." Harley said, diving into the box. "These suits aren't all bad. Here Mistah J, I found one for you..."

"I am NOT wearing a speedo."

"I'LL WEAR IT!" Harvey yelled, shoving everyone aside.

"NO!" everyone chorused.

"Save us the torture." Crane said scathingly, rolling his eyes. In his hands was a rather large pair of swim trunks. "Just put on a normal bathing suit like everyone else."

"Ah, but why is it called a bathing suit?" the Riddler inquired. "For can't one not argue that...wait...one can't not...can't one...is it not that once cannot..."

"Oh, can it." the Joker sighed. "No one cares."

"Well think about a birthday suit." Harley said reasonably. "That's like, the opposite of a suit."

"I'll wear that!" Harvey suggested. No one said anything, but they all shot him glares and he fell silent.

"Okay, has everybody got a bathing suit?"

The results were quite hilarious.

Crane's swim trunks were far too large for his spindly waist, so he had to clutch them at all times to ensure that they wouldn't drop to his ankles. Harvey was standing morosely, subdued by his utterly mundane swimwear. The Riddler's bathing suit was slightly too small for him, but other than that, it was quite normal. Of course, everyone was ogling at Harley, who had managed to find a rather...small bikini in the bin. Ivy was scowling, her arms crossed tightly around her one piece clad body. It was clear that she was extremely dissatisfied.

But the inmate who was the most dissatisfied was easily the Joker.

For he was stuck with the speedo.

"I don't like this."

"Aw, I think you look cute." Harley said, patting him on the arm. "Now come on. Let's jump in the water."

"I don't like the water." The Riddler said, hovering over the edge of the pool. Harvey, convinced that he was being stealthy, crept up behind him.

"I HEAR you back there!" the Riddler yelled.

"So?"

And he pushed him in. Nigma's arms windmilled around him in a vain attempt to stop his swift plummet towards the water, but it was to no avail. Instead of curling up like he should have done, he flattened out and fell parallel to the water.

Even Harvey winced as he slapped onto the surface of the water, breaking the surface. He plummeted to the bottom for a few seconds before rising to the surface like a boy, spluttering.

"OW!" he yelled.

"Dude." the Joker commented flatly, sticking a toe into the water. "Harsh."

"Oh, come on." Harvey sighed, trying to convince himself to slip into the water. "It can't be as bad a punch to the face."

"No, it's like getting your whole BODY punched!" the Riddler yelled hotly, slamming his fist for effect. Of course, the only result was a minor splash of water which hit nobody.

"CANNONBALL!" Harley then yelled, leaping into the air. She curled up in a ball, and then crashed into the pool, creating a reasonably sized splash for her stature.

"Everybody, please follow Mr. Nigma and Ms. Quinn into the pool," the nurse chirped, opting for the steps instead of the Harley Quinn approach.

But Harvey was not so convinced.

"It's cold."

"Mr. Dent, please get in the water."

"Damn, where's my COIN?" he yelled, patting his swim trunks.

"It's a bathing suit." the Joker sighed. "It has no pockets."

Harvey then dashed over to his pants, which were wadded up in a pile of everyone else's clothes. He started to throw various garments aside in a frantic search for his own pants.

And somehow during this process, a pink bra flew through the air and landed on Crane's head.

The Joker started cracking up as Crane stared up at the strap dangling over his nose. He squinted, as if unsure as to how to react to it.

"STOP LAUGHING!" he shrieked at the Joker. "At least I'm not wearing a speedo!"

"I laugh at funny things." he said defensively, crossing his arms. "And the bra on your head is the light in my dark, speedo filled life."

Crane then turned his attention to Harvey.

"Harvey..." he sighed, lifting the bra off his head with a thumb and an index finger, "Be careful where you throw your unmentionables."

"Dude, that ain't mine." he scowled, grabbing it out of Crane's hand. "It is now. But it wasn't five minutes ago."

"Mistah J, make em put it down." Harley called from the pool.

Both Harvey and Crane froze, as their heads turned slowly towards the Joker, who smirked.

"I love a good excuse." he grinned, unleashing his fist in the faces of the two wide eyed men.

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Mr. Joker! Please! Now get in the pool." the nurse snapped.

"If you get it, it'll be harder to see your speedo." Harley added helpfully. And within seconds, the Joker was in the water.

After about five minutes of solid effort, Crane, Harvey, and Ivy were also in the water. Crane was standing in the shallow end rather uncomfortably.

"Hey Jonny, why don't ya join us in the deep end?" Harley asked, swimming lazily on her back.

"It's too cold." he said quickly. "I have an inefficient circulatory system, causing my body temperature to drop severlely when..."

"You can't swim, can you?" the Riddler asked.

"No."

"You're six and a half feet tall." Ivy said flatly. "You can stand up all the way."

"If you say so." he sniffed, making his way back over to the group.

"Are you all ready for aerobics?" the nurse said cheerily, clapping her hands.

"Woo!" Harley clapped, splashing the Joker cheerfully in the face. He spluttered and wiped off his face.

He gave a short laugh and splashed her back. This, of course, resulted in an all out splash war between Harley and the Joker, the Riddler joining in so he could feel included. Ivy sighed, soaking her long red hair in the water. Harvey was busy shielding his face from the water.

"No, I hate being wet!" he cried. "You'll mess up my hair!"

So, of course, everyone turned and set a huge splash wave his way.

Once Harvey was successfully doused with water, the nurse felt it was time to start.

"Okay everyone! To warm up, I want you to take these balls and raise them above your heads."

"Do we need to be in water for this?" Crane asked, raising his hand. "Because someone here, and I'm not going to say WHO, has a fear of water."

"That's you, Crane!" the Riddler said helpfully.

"NO IT'S NOT!" he yelled defensively. "It's...Harley."

"Ain't so, Jonny." she sniffed. "You know I was on the Harvard swim team."

"Harvard has a swim team?" Ivy asked curiously. "I thought you were all just...smart and boring."

"Not true." Harley said, lifting the ball over her head like the nurse had instructed. "We had an awesome swim team. Didn't we, Jonny?"

"I suppose." he shrugged. "I was more into my studies. I wasn't into such frivolities."

"Missed out." she smirked. "It was a real good time. Mistah J, you shoulda seen me. I was the best on the whole team..."

"How does that surprise anyone?" Harvey grumbled. "Aren't you just better than everyone else at everything?"

"No." she said with wide eyes. "I'm not good at stuff like you guys are. I don't got brute force, nor am I indimitatin', I ain't confusin', and I ain't got those pheromone things."

"What a riddle." Nigma sighed happily.

"How...how? How is that a riddle?" the Joker asked, turning to him.

"Ah, my good sir, you ask an interesting question. A RIDDLE- if you will! You are asking the solution to a riddle by asking a riddle, which poses another riddle...if when you ask a riddle and..."

Harvey grabbed the back of his head and shoved his face underneath the water. Bubbles formed around him as he struggled to break free of Harvey's grasp.

"Mr. Dent! Release Mr. Nigma at once!" the nurse snapped.

"But the coin told me I could drown him." he scowled, releasing him. "I'll have to make it up to him again, and he really demands a lot from me."

"He?" Ivy asked skeptically, turning to him. "Your coin has a gender?"

"Well yeah." he shrugged. "It's got some dude's face on it."

"Some dude..." Crane sighed. The Riddler patted his shoulder.

"Just ignore him."

"Okay everyone, get in a line." the nurse said. "Mr. Dent, please separate yourself from Mr. Nigma. I don't want any drownings in this session."

"Wouldn't be the worst thing to happen," Harvey muttered, but he obliged and shuffled to the end of the line.

"Now just do what I do." the nurse said, prepping herself. "Ready? Okay! Step forward, step back. Step side side, forward side, back forward and JAZZ HANDS!"

"I don't do jazz hands." Crane sniffed, crossing his arms.

"Aw, come on Jonny." Harley said cheerfully. "Have a little fun. Step step, side backwards, spin around, do a flip, and JAZZ HANDS!"

"Very good Harley!" the nurse clapped. "You would do well to learn from her, Mr. Crane."

Crane said nothing, but grumbled slightly as he stretched out his long fingers and attempted to shake them in a way that resembled jazz hands.

The Joker giggled at the sight of him.

"Now back back, forward step! Turn turn, arms arms, shimmy shimmy JAZZ HANDS!"

"I might do a lot of dumb things." the Riddler said. "But Edward Nigma does not _shimmy._"

"HARVEY DENT DOES!" Harvey yelled, shimmying up behind Ivy. "Come on babe, feel the groove..."

"Get back to your end of the line!" she screeched, slapping him away.

"Well, I'm at the end of MY line!" the Riddler said with a giant grin on his face. "How was that? Wasn't that awesome? Hey Joker, did you like my pun? Wasn't it..."

"Please stop. Please just stop." the Joker groaned. "No one likes your puns."

"Does that mean I should stick with riddles?"

"You do whatever you want, Nigma." Ivy sighed, wringing water out of her hopelessly wet hair. "It's not like they can stop you."

"Oh. We could." the Joker said quite seriously.

"Do you want us to try?" Harvey growled. The Riddler shook his head furtively.

"Now on to our next set of moves." the nurse said. "It's going to get a little more complicated..."

Harvey raised his hand.

"Yes, Harvey?"

"I don't think my mind will be able to handle the complexity of the moves." he said. "Can I go back to my cell now? I look like a raisin."

"No, I'm afraid you have to stay here until time is up."

"MAN!" he yelled in frustration, slapping his hand against the water. It hit the Joker in the face, and he scowled.

"Watch who you're splashing, Two Face." he grumbled, splashing him back.

"Do we need to go over this again?" Ivy sighed.

"Maybe YOU should watch where YOU'RE splashing!" Harvey yelled back, splashing him again. Now both entirely sopping wet, they threw themselves at each other and became a blur of fists and screams.

"GET YOUR NASTY CLOWN FACE AWAY FROM ME!" Harvey shrieked as the Joker slapped him repeatedly in the face.

"GET YOUR UGLY BURNT FACE AWAY FROM ME THEN!" the Joker roared back. The Riddler, who didn't want to get caught up in the conflict, swam away from them and climbed up out of the pool.

Crane was eyeing them both with interest.

"They're friends, and yet they fight..." he wondered aloud. "Interesting."

"It ain't interestin'!" Harley said, her hands on her face. "It's terrifyin'! GET HIM IN THE FACE AGAIN, MISTAH J!"

"This'll show you..." the Joker growled, raising his hand again. Harvey's eyes widened as he saw what was around the Joker's finger.

"NO, DON'T..." everyone yelled simultaneously, but it was too late.

The joy-buzzer had already slapped the water.

When Harvey opened his eyes, he knew instantly where he was. But why he was in the hospital of Arkham, he wasn't sure.

He looked to his right, and saw Harley, and he looked to his left, where he saw the Ivy. Beyond her, he could also see the still bodies of Crane and the Joker.

Odd.

"How are you feeling, Mr. Dent?" a nurse asked. She was holding a clipboard.

"Okay, I guess." he muttered, rubbing his head. "I have a bit of a headache."

"You're lucky you aren't dead." she said, feeling his temperature. "That electrical shock nearly killed all of you."

"Oh..." he said, remembering. "Stupid Clown Face."

"Yes, he will be punished for this." she said mildly. "It's lucky for all of you that Edward was there."

"Who the hell is Edward?"

"Nigma. Edward Nigma." the nurse sighed, rolling her eyes. "The Riddler?"

"Oh, that guy. Why?"

"He pulled you all out of the pool before the electricity could reach your heart. He saved all of you."

"Why didn't he get shocked?"

"That..." the Riddler said, emerging from behind the nurse. "Is the greatest riddle of all."

"Seriously. Why didn't you get shocked?"

"I wasn't in the pool, remember?" he said. "I had got out to avoid the conflict. So I wasn't in the water when it was full of electricity."

"Oh." Harvey said. He then looked around rather awkwardly.

"It's okay." the Riddler beamed. "You don't have to thank me. I know you're thinking it."

Patting Harvey once on the head, he waltzed out, humming smugly to himself. The nurse gave Harvey an appraising look as he scowled.

"The man saved your life, and you can't thank him." she sighed. "Well, you'll be here for a few more days, I suggest you go back to sleep to pass the time."

As she walked out of the room, Harvey put his head back down on the pillow, thinking about how the Riddler, that horrible little man, the villain he picked on most of all, the person who was the bane of his existence...had saved his life.

* * *

Ideas! I love them all! I need them all! Keep AC going! 3


	11. Dancing

Howdy, y'all! New chapter. Let us all rejoice. I was watching Batman Begins while I was doing this, so if Crane is in this one way more than everyone else...it's not my fault. It's just subconscious.

And I love how I'm ignoring tons of other viable Batman villains. Like, you know, Catwoman. And Ras a Ghul. And the Penguin. Maybe they'll make a cameo eventually. But you know, they aren't really INSANE...so they belong in Blackgate anyway.

But I digress.

Thank you all, again, for the reviews. You are fabulous. And here is a special thanks to the wondrously awesome people who re-inspired me with tons of new ideas. I give you a virtual internet cookie (not like the cookies on your browser or whatever those are, I mean like cookies for eating). And thanks to Sunflare2k5 and Evanessascence for the dancing idea. :)

But enough of my inane rambling.

* * *

"Harvey, help me move this."

"Can't. Busy."

The Joker sighed, putting the mini fridge down on the ground.

"Busy? YOU'RE the one who stuck your fat head through the bars, and you're the one who had to be sawed out. Now help me move this thing back in."

"But I only just moved in!" he said, arranging his hair care products on a little desk. "And if you can't pick up a mini fridge, you have problems, my friend."

"There's food in it."

Harvey shook his head at him. Their cell had only just got fixed, so they were both in the process of moving back in. They didn't have a whole lot of stuff, but it was enough to be a pain for the both of them.

"What are you busy doing, anyway?" the Joker sighed.

"Dancing." he replied, attempting to do a step on the ground. "Didn't you hear? It's our activity for the week."

"Dancing?" the Joker groaned, heaving the mini fridge back in his arms and lugging it slowly into the cell. "Did I hear you wrong, or are you speaking French or something?"

"You know I can't speak French." Harvey said. "I can barely speak English."

"That's not true."

"Then why did I fail it in high school?"

"That...never mind."

The Joker looked behind him as a nurse saw he was all moved in, and locked the door behind him. He rolled his eyes, and with much effort, got the mini fridge back to it's original location.

"I just don't want to be rusty when I dance with the ice queen," Harvey said, stretching.

"Ice queen?"

"Ivy." he said. "She broke up with Crane a few weeks ago, but now she's available again."

"And you're going to win her over with dancing?" the Joker asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically. "Well all right. You have a good time with that."

"Thank you!" Harvey said, missing out on the sarcasm. "I've been working on my quickstep."

The Joker giggled. Harvey stuck his tongue at him.

"Are you ready?" a nurse asked, knocking on the bars.

"Harvey is." The Joker smirked, stepping out of the unlocked door. Harvey scowled, but followed regardless.

They were soon joined by the usual- Harley, Ivy, Crane, and the Riddler. The Riddler greeted them with the usual.

"Morning. What do you call an elephant with two trunks?"

"A mutant." Harley answered seriously.

"No." Nigma shook his head. "Trunktastic."

"That's bad." Crane said. "Even for you."

"I know," he sighed. "I've been having writers block. What do you think of this one? There are two tomatoes in a water silo, and one of them turns to the other. He says- I have this cat at home, and he may or may not have the mange. What does his friend the pear then say after..."

"Can I stop you there?" the Joker sighed, holding up a hand, the other one massaging his temples in annoyance. "Not good. That one about the plucked bird was better."

"Thank you for your honest opinion." the Riddler said, nodding.

"Also, you are the single most annoying man I have ever met." the Joker said gallantly, bowing deeply. Nigma scowled.

"I saved your life, don't you forget. I saved all of your lives!"

"That electric shock wouldn't have been enough to kill us." Crane said, rolling his eyes. "You see, most of us are used to a certain amount of electricity, and the voltage in the Joker's joybuzzer would hardly have been enough to..."

"Smart ass." Harvey muttered. As the idea that he was defending Nigma popped into his head, he only scowled more.

Crane shot him a reproving glare.

"I like dancin'." Harley said, oblivious to the conflict that was rising around her.

"You like everything." Ivy said, glancing at her. "Name one thing you DON'T like."

"You've gotta be kiddin' me!" she squealed, looking slightly affronted. "I don't like that Batman! Overgrown rodent."

"Yeah. Did you feel that way when you gave him a smack on the lips, or are we talking about a different Batman?" Ivy smirked.

"What!?" the Joker yelped as Harley reddened.

"Circumstances." she snapped. "And who are you to talk? You kiss Batsy all the time."

"That's only because my kisses kill people." she said, crossing her arms.

"Somebody explain this to me." the Joker said, glaring at both Ivy and Harley in turn. They both ignored him.

"I wish I was Batman." the Riddler grumbled. "Gets to kiss everyone."

"I know what you mean." Harvey sighed. "It's so frustrating being me. I thought that once Phantom of the Opera came out, Gerard Butler would popularize the half mangled face deal. But he didn't. He only popularized himself."

"I'm so sorry." the Joker said sarcastically. "Can we get back to what matters? The fact that Harley here has KISSED the Batman?"

"I told you, Mistah J, it ain't your business."

"Not my...not my BUSINESS? Of course it's my business! Aren't you supposed to be freakishly in love with me?"

"Well, yeah, Puddin'!" she said earnestly. "But you gotta see it MY way. You were still bein' all mean and stuff. And when I started to pour my hurt and crying soul out to Batsy, he was nice to me."

"Nice? You kissed him because he was NICE?"

"Do you want me to back to Eddie?" she snapped, noting the tone of his voice.

"No." he said quickly. "I...it's in the past. And what's past..."

"Goodness." Crane exclaimed. "Say Edward, Is the Joker being reasonable?"

"Yes Jonathan, I believe he is."

"Stop the first name thing." Ivy said. "It's weird."

"I agree." the Riddler said. "Oh. Crane. By the way. I'm trying to initialize a movie night, and I was thinking, since you used to work here, maybe you could let them let us...?"

"I doubt I'll have much control over anything." he said dryly.

After a few more minutes, the troupe of rouges reached the multipurpose room they had seen so many times before.

"Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!" the nurse said once they entered.

"Logically, every day is the first day of the rest of ones life." Crane said. "It's not just today. And it would have been today regardless of the silly activities you're forcing us to participate in."

"Who's ready for dancing?" the nurse clapped, ignoring him. "I'm going to set you up in pairs. Now, since there are two more men than women..."

"NO!" all four male villains yelled at the same time.

"No arguing." the nurse said, waggling her finger at them. They all scowled heavily.

"Well, Harley is my girlfriend. So I dance with her by default." the Joker said, pulling Harley close to him. She beamed.

"Incorrect. Harley, you're with Mr. Crane."

"Jonny!" she squealed, tearing off the Joker's side, scampering over to Crane. He only stood there, looking smugly at the Joker, who growled at him.

"Miss Ivy, dance with Mr. Nigma."

"My pleasure." she said dryly, walking over to the very pleased Edward Nigma.

It was as if in slow motion.

The Joker and Harvey Dent turned their heads around to look at each other, horror both etched deeply into their faces.

And then the room was filled with screams.

"No! NO! I refuse!"

"I will not dance with this LUNATIC!"

"Lunatic? I won't dance with you because you're a MAN!"

"Hey, you could do a lot worse than me, Clown Boy!"

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CALLING ME THAT?"

"Hey!" the nurse yelled, stepping in. "Stop arguing. You're partners and that's that."

"This sucks." Harvey grumbled.

"Stop your whining." the Riddler said. "Riddle me this. If you were a cat trapped in a bottle, then what Pokemon would you choose? Because I choose you, Ivy."

"Thanks."

"One." the Joker said, holding a hand up. "Never reference Pokemon again."

"And two, you're with IVY. Of course you have no reason to complain." Harvey added.

"Exactly." the Joker nodded.

"See you guys?" Harley interrupted. "You can get along really well! Just have fun with this!"

"I refuse." they both said, crossing their arms.

"Look." the nurse sighed. "It's dancing, or double the shock therapy sessions."

"I'll solve this." the Riddler sighed with mock reluctance. "After all, I saved your lives. And I will save your friendship."

The Joker and Harvey then spoke at the same time.

"What friendship?" the Joker spat, just when Harvey exclaimed-

"Nothing can ruin our friendship!"

"Okay. I can sense that this is about to get awkward." the nurse said. "Everybody get into waltz position."

"We're not friends?" Harvey asked, looking at the Joker. He sighed.

"Harvey. Listen to me." he said painfully. "I don't want to label us as anything, because then we become an 'us'. If we're friends, we're a 'we'. And that's weird."

"But we're friends."

"There's that WE again!" he exclaimed. "Now just get into damn waltz position and quit yammering."

"I think we need bromance counseling."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?" the Joker screeched.

"Bromance dude." Harvey explained. When two straight guys have a deep and complex friendship thats so deep and complex, it's like a rom..."

"Say it and I'll kill you."

"Waltz position!" the nurse ordered sharply.

"I don't like this." Harvey grumbled, as he and the Joker stood face to face. Their faces were both rigid and equally disgusted.

"Waltz position." the nurse ordered sharply. "Come on, you're keeping the whole class waiting."

Harvey and the Joker looked at each other, the disgust still etched deep into their faces. Both swallowing they came together and attempted to form the waltz position.

Of course, there had to be arguing about who would be the girl.

"I'm not the girl! You be the girl!" the Joker said, affronted as Harvey put his hand gingerly on his shoulder.

"Why? You wear makeup."

"It's not makeup!" the Joker yelled. "This is just my face!"

"As of 2008, it's makeup." Harvey said firmly.

"No." the Joker snapped. "It's been just my face since...forever. Now be the girl."

"Can I add somethin'?" Harley said, raising her hand in the air. "I don't think Mistah J should be the girl. Cause I have proof that he..."

"That's enough, Harls."

"Oh, so you think I'M a girl?" Harvey snapped to Harley, who shrugged.

"Mr. Joker, you're the girl."

"I'm not touching his waist."

The Joker glanced over at Harley, who was now deep in conversation with Crane. He was going to have to make sure she'd never mess around with anyone again. First the Riddler, then, APPARENTLY, Batman.

Crane would not be next.

He would deal with him specially.

"Okay." the nurse sighed, once Harvey and the Joker had finally subjected. "Now the waltz is really quite simple. Image there's a square on the ground, and you're stepping from each corner. It's one two three one two three..."

"Waltzing is fun." Harley said, doing the dance easily. It was clear that she was just dragging Crane around with her, as he clearly didn't understand.

He wasn't the most coordinated of people.

"I don't want to hear another riddle." Ivy was saying to the Riddler.

"But I've been working on it all day!" he said. "Ever since like, five minutes ago! It's really good..."

"No."

"You're doing it wrong." Harvey told the Joker. "It's step up, left, touch, back. Because you're the girl."

"Shut up." the Joker snapped. "And you're the one doing it wrong. It's step back, touch, right, and then..."

"I wear the pants in this relationship."

"DON'T CALL THIS A RELATIONSHIP!"

"I do not understand." Crane said, looking down at his feet. "I cannot correlate my leg motions with the steps."

"It's okay Jonny." Harley said. "I'll lead."

"So you're a man, and Joker is a girl." Ivy smirked. "That's interesting."

"Okay. So Ivy, you want to be added to my list. Is that so?" the Joker asked in a forcibly calm tone.

"Your list?" she asked, raising her eyebrow. "And exactly what would that entail?"

"The list of people who are going to get it from me later." he growled. "Right now, it's Crane, that nurse, and YOU."

"Why am I on this list of yours?" Crane asked, crossing his arms. "Because I was forced against my will to dance with your girlfriend?"

"Against your will?" the Joker scoffed. "Look at you. You're smug."

"I have reasons to be smug." Crane countered. "One, I'm smarter than you. Two, I'm much more attractive than you. And three, Harley and I have a much deeper connection than you two have."

"Hey!" the Joker snapped. "You are NOT more attractive!"

"Am so." he smirked.

"What about me?" Harley asked the Joker. "He just said we have a deeper connection than you and I! Ain't you mad about that?"

"I don't mean anything romantic!" Crane said, shaking his head. "But Harley...look at the facts. We went to the same college. We had the same job. We went down the same path, and now...we're both here."

"Aw, Jonny!" she exclaimed, giving him a tight hug. The Joker growled. "You can be my other best friend!"

"I have a terrific book in my cell," Crane said thoughtfully. "It discusses the chemicals and reactions behind fear, and how it makes us feel the way we do. It's very interesting."

"Ooh! Sounds interestin'. I've been readin' a book about..."

"You read?" Harvey asked, looking over at her.

"Stop underminin' me. Puddin', put him on your list."

"Harvey has a permanent spot on my list." the Joker said, shooting him a glance. "And he's not making the situation any better."

"You're just afraid of connecting with another human being." Crane said easily. "You've already had to admit your love for Harley, which almost cost you her affection. And now, you're unwilling to admit your...what was that word, Harvey?"

"Bromance."

"STOP IT!" the Joker shrieked. "You will NOT describe us as a word that is a play on the word romance!"

"My point exactly." Crane smirked. "You need the world to see you as inhuman, and here you are, connecting to other people, which is incredibly human."

"What a great breakthrough!" the nurse exclaimed. "Dancing cures everything."

"It's not the dancing." Ivy scowled. "It's Crane's irritating need to prove how smart he is every second of every day."

"That's not what you thought two weeks ago." he said, crossing his arms. Ivy didn't respond.

"You know Jonny, we should start a club." Harley said. "The Arkham Inmates Who Used To Work Here Club."

"Can the acronym spell something?"

"I ain't so good with words."

"That much is clear." the Joker grumbled under his breath, as the three pairs resumed their dancing.

"I'm good with words! I'm good with words!" the Riddler yelped, looking over his shoulder at Harley, who was still leading Crane around in the waltz. "Let me do it!"

"It has to make a word." Harley said. "And the word has to relate to the club in question."

"I am on it." he grinned.

"Can you try to not be such a loser when you're this close to me?" Ivy said flatly.

"Make me."

Ivy shot a glance at Harley, who gave her a thumbs up. She turned to the Riddler and shot him one, burning, sultry look.

He fainted.

"Took care of him." she said happily, prodding him with her foot. "Oh no, I have no partner. I guess I'll just sit down over here."

"Ivy, why don't you dance with one of these guys?" the nurse suggested, pointing at the Joker and Harvey, who were still arguing about bromances and dancing.

"Him. Dance with him." the Joker said, pushing Harvey towards Ivy.

"No." the nurse said. "The whole point of this exercise is to create bonds and friendships between you villains. Joker, you dance with Ivy. Harvey, you get to take a break for now."

"I don't like you." Ivy sneered at the Joker as they met, going into the waltz position.

"Funny. I don't care for you." the Joker replied, his eyes narrow.

"Come on Ivy, lighten up." Harley chided from across the room. "You're my maid of honor for when Mistah J and I get married."

"Married!?" the Joker yelped.

"This isn't a good day for you, is it?" Crane asked.

"No. No it is not."

Meanwhile, Harvey was making the unconscious Riddler pick his nose.

"Harvey, stop that." the nurse ordered, batting him away. "He saved your life. The least you can do is respect his unconscious body."

"That's no fun." he grumbled. Bored, he started flipping his coin, muttering under his breath.

"Okay. Have you all remembered the steps?" the nurse asked. Everyone looked at her blankly.

"What steps?" Crane asked.

"The steps. The dance I've been teaching you."

"We haven't been listening to you." Ivy told her. "We were busy talking about Harvey and this lunatic."

"Thank you for the compliment." the Joker bowed.

"It's not a compliment."

"It is if I take it as such."

"Will you stop talking?"

"Only if you stop insulting me."

"That's not very likely."

"Then I won't stop talking."

"You're pathetic."

"You're just GREEN with envy!"

"That's a stupid pun."

"You have a stupid face."

"At least my face isn't misshapen."

"I think you're referring to Harvey now."

"That's enough!" the nurse yelled, stopping the argument in its tracks. "I know you don't get along. But that's what this is all about! Building ties. Creating bonds. Becoming friends. Joker, we all know you have a weird face. And Ivy, your face is sort of weird. I mean, it's green. So why don't you just meet in the middle?"

"I think Ivy and I agree on one thing." the Joker said, his narrowed eyes directed at the nurse. Ivy was wearing a similar expression. The nurse gulped as the two villains flew at her, attacking her every way they could.

"My face is NOT WEIRD!" Ivy screeched, slapping the nurse across the face with a now thorny hand. "MEN HAVE DIED BECUSE OF THIS FACE!"

"And it's not MY fault my face looks like this!" the Joker screamed, pulling something from his pocket. "I was chucked head first into a vat of ACID!"

"You don't mess with us." Ivy growled, her voice low. The Joker started grinning.

"You have quite a lovely face, dear nurse." he giggled. "But we know how jealous you are of us. I think it's time you joined our ranks."

And he released a cloud of Joker toxin on the nurse, who started laughing instantaneously.

"Stupid gas..." Harvey yelled, covering his mouth and running out of the room. Harley and Crane followed.

"That's what you get." the Joker snapped, now serious again as the nurse cackled raucously. "The last thing I need is to feel insecure about my face."

Ivy, who was immune to all toxins and therefore unaffected by the gas, nodded. The Joker looked at her curiously.

"Why aren't you peeling out of here?"

"I'm immune to your toxin." she said easily. "Remember?"

"Now I remember why I don't like you." he grumbled, walking out of the room. She followed him.

"You remember why I don't like YOU right?"

"Cause I'm mean to Harley or something, isn't that it?"

"Exactly. You are a foul, no good, deceiving, loathsome..."

Ivy's voice faded away as they continued down the hall.

But seconds later, Harvey, his hand still clamped over his mouth, skidded into the room, which was still filling with Joker toxin. Looking around blindly, he stumbled forward to the still unconscious Riddler. He picked him up with one arm and slung him over his shoulder, running back out of a room.

He passed a team of paramedics, who were undoubtedly running to rescue the nurse from her fate, and once he got to the hallway their cells were in, he put the Riddler back down on the ground and shook him until he woke back up.

"Don't hit me," he instantly said upon seeing Harvey standing over him.

"I'm not going to hit you." Harvey told him. "Unless you tell me a riddle. You know, that ALWAYS applies. Just don't be stupid, and I won't hit you."

"What happened?"

"Well, Ivy knocked you out cold with her womanly charm or whatever, and then the Joker decided it would be hilarious to unleash Joker toxin on the room. Everyone ran out, without you, so I dragged you out myself."

"Does that mean...we have a bromance?" he asked hopefully.

"Oh, hell no!" Harvey cried. "I still can't stand you. But last time we had to do this stupid 'team-building love everyone around you activity', you saved me. And fair is fair. Now get in your damn cell and never mention this again."

"Thanks Harvey. You know, if you think of this in terms of riddles..."

And he was rudely interrupted by Harvey's fist.

"What did I just tell you?"

"You know what?" Nigma said as he walked into his cell. "You will always be the same old Harvey."

"Whatever."

The Riddler then turned to Crane.

"Hey Crane?"

"What?"

"Do you want to have a bromance?"

"Absolutely not."

"Damn."

* * *

That's that! I will update again. Thank you for reading, and thank you more for reviewing! 3

And if you're wondering when it was that Harley kissed Batman, it was sometime in the Animated Series. I don't remember exactly when.


	12. Valentine's Day

Whew.  
Got another chapter done.  
First of all, I am so sorry it took so long. I'm so busy, what with college and everything, so I haven't really had time to crank out another chapter, but here it is! I thought as a little valentine's day present, I'd write this. Of course, it's an hour and 43 minutes since valentine's day ended, but whatevs.  
Thank you for bearing with me.  
Here is the next chapter 3

* * *

"Could you pass me the construction paper?"

"I'm usin' it!"

"That's why I asked you to pass it."

Ivy sat with her arm outstretched, while Harley sat on the floor, bent over her project.

"In a minute."

"I don't know why we have to do this anyway." Ivy huffed. "I don't like anyone in this damn asylum."

"Aw, lighten up, Ivy. It's Valentine's Day. Everyone loves us, don't they? We, as the two hottest girls in the place, need to share the love. So make some valentines."

"I do appreciate the attention." Ivy sighed as she took the construction paper from Harley. "I just don't see why the valentines are mandatory."

"So Eddie doesn't feel bad."

"True."

Harley peered through the bars, where she could see the cell shared by the Joker and Harvey across the hallway. They were both sticking little heart stickers on each other. Harley smiled.

"I'm glad he has a friend."

"He's not very vocal about it."

"No, but he really does like Harvey. Oh...oh, he poked him in the eye. No, don't laugh, that's not funny..."

Ivy smirked.

"I made my mandatory valentine for the Joker. Do you want to see it?"

"Yeah!"

Harley grabbed the card from Ivy and started to read it. It read-

"Roses are red, violets are blue. No words can describe just how much I hate you. Love, Ivy."

"That's...nice?"

"I'm gonna tape a piece of candy on it."

"RIDDLE ME THIS!"

They couldn't see Nigma, his cell was next to theirs and therefore on the other side of thick concrete, but they could sure hear him.

"What?"

"WHO WANTS TO BE MY VALENTINE?"

No one answered. His angry grumbling could also be heard through the wall.

"Give it up, Ed." the Joker called. "No one likes you."

"Yeah, well, lucky for me, the asylum is forcing you to give me valentines."

"Sad, isn't it?"

Harley, finished with her cards, smiled happily.

"I love Valentine's Day. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because everyone gives me stuff." she said. "Chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals...it's freakin' awesome. Don't ya think so?"

"I appreciate the sentiment, sure." Ivy shrugged. "I don't have a thing to do with any of those, except for the flowers. I can mutate those into minions, but other than that..."

"How big do you think our haul's gonna be this year?"

"I don't know Harl, just wait and see."

Harley and Ivy always got ridiculous amounts of gifts come Valentine's Day. This was due to the fact that they were the only remarkably beautiful women in the entire asylum, and Valentine's Day was a wonderful way to suck up to them. It didn't just come from the Joker, Harvey, Nigma and Crane...it was asylum wide.

And Harley had no doubts that this year would be just as good...

Until the unthinkable happened.

The doorway of the criminal ward swung open, and all eyes turned toward the sudden disturbance.

Handcuffed and surrounded by security guards, was the leather catsuit clad Catwoman, or Selina Kyle.

Someone let out a low whistle, and she winked at them. Shoved into a single cell, they locked the bars and left.

Harley and Ivy stared, astonished.

"What do you think this means?" Harley muttered to Ivy.

"What do you mean, what does it mean?" Ivy asked. "It doesn't mean anything."

"I mean for us." Harley pressed. "If she's waltzin' around, we ain't gonna be queen bee anymore."

"We aren't queen bee." Ivy scoffed. "There's two of us. Besides, she's nowhere near our level. We have nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, you're right." Harley said, turning away from Selina, who was...licking her leg. "I guess I gotta make her a valentine now, huh? Don't want her to get none..."

A few hours later, all of the inmates met in the cafeteria of the asylum for their Valentine's Day celebration. Everyone was eyeing Selina with some interest. The nurse was handing out chocolate hearts, making sure everyone got one.

"Hi Valentine." Harley cooed, laying her head on the Joker's shoulder. He patted her head.

Nigma looked rather sad. No one asked him why, so he decided to tell everyone without a prompt.

"I'm alone on Valentine's Day." he moped. "I'm so sad. I asked Harvey to be my Valentine, but he said no."

"Because it's freakin weird, that's why."

"But all I want is a Bromance. It doesn't even have to be an exclusive Bromance. If you're afraid of the commitment, then I understand, but that's something we'll have to work out together."

"Stop." Harvey seethed. "Now."

"Does everyone have their Valentines?" the nurse asked, standing in front of the room. The seven criminals were seated at a table in the back of the room, and everyone was looking back at Selina, something that displeased both Harley and Ivy.

"Unfortunately." Crane sniffed, but the nurse couldn't hear him from the front of the room. "Can I say something? I don't believe in Valentines Day. What is the point in a day of the year where we tell the ones we love we love them? Just so card companies can make money? Aren't there enough holidays for that already?"

"Stop ruinin' it, Jonny. Just enjoy it." Harley said.

"I'd like you to all welcome our newest member," the nurse said, pointing to Selina, who was sitting a few feet away from the regular group of criminals. "Please make her feel welcome."

Everyone clapped enthusiastically.

"Oh. We will." Harvey said, who was already sitting very close to her. Harley and Ivy exchanged glances.

"Yes, there will be no problem from us on that front." Nigma agreed. "That's one riddle I'D like to solve."

"I agree, her psychosis is FASCINATING." Crane said, craning his head around to look at her. "Thinks she's a cat..."

"She doesn't think she's a cat." Harley put in. "She just ACTS..."

"She's so beautiful." Nigma smiled. "Don't you just want to scratch behind her ears?"

"Yeah." the Joker sighed. Harley glared at him. "I mean...no, no. Why would you want to do that? That's weird." he let out a nervous laugh. Harley shook her head slowly.

"Puddin', I have a VERY special valentine planned out for you."

"Are you going to jump out of a cake?"

"No. But it's something you DON'T want to miss because you were oglin' crazy cat lady, okay?"

"I take it all back." he said quickly. Harley smiled and patted his shoulder approvingly.

"Now, in a VERY ORDERLY FASHION, I want you to all pass your valentines around." the nurse ordered. And in what was most definitely not an orderly fashion, everyone stood up and started shuffling around, passing out their valentines gifts.

Everyone was required to give out valentines to the other inmates in their ward, but Harley was a little more generous. She had made valentines for nearly every person in the asylum, because she liked being liked. And the way to be liked was to like.

"How many did you make?" Ivy asked, looking at the teetering pile of construction paper in her arms.

"I don't know, probably about two hundred and thirty." she responded, laying them down at each place on the tables. "Why?"

"I just made five, and that was too much."

"Boy, she really is something, isn't she?" Crane sighed, coming up behind Harley and Ivy. "Selina, I mean. You know, I thought no one could be as beautiful as Ivy, but I was wrong. She is."

And he walked away.

"Aw, come on, Ivy." Harley said consolingly as Ivy scowled. "You can't let that jerk get to you. Besides, I bet the only valentine that cat lady gets is the one I made her, she only got here an hour ago."

Meanwhile, an argument was breaking out.

"GIVE IT TO ME!"

"WHY WOULD I GIVE IT TO YOU?"

"BECAUSE I WANT IT, AND YOU HAVE IT!"

The nurse sighed and hustled over to the scene, which was, of course, between the Joker and Harvey. They were both tugging on a chocolate bar.

"What's the problem?"

They both started yelling at once.

"I got this candy bar, and Harvey wants it, but I told him he couldn't have it..."

"But it's my favorite thing, and no one gave me any because no one cares enough to know it's my favorite..."

"And he 'flipped' for it..."

"And I won..."

"And he tried to take it from me..."

"And then he broke it!"

"Yeah, because your MEAT hands were clutching it."

"I don't have meat hands!"

"Oh Harvey, don't deny it. You have meat hands."

"Well...at least my hands aren't dainty and girly!"

"MY HANDS ARE NOT!"

"Yeah, you'd rather have the meat hands now, wouldn't you?"

The Joker snarled and punched Harvey in the face, causing him to fall flat on the ground.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY DAINTY HANDS NOW, TWO FACE?"

Harvey gasped.

"You never call me Two Face!"

"It's because I'm MAD AT YOU."

"WELL I'M MAD AT YOU!"

"WHY?"

"FOR BEING MAD AT ME! AND PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE!"

"Okay, OKAY!" the nurse yelled. "Don't fight, you're scaring the less stable patients."

It was true- half the room was cowering under tables, looking up at the Joker and Harvey with sheer terror. They were both two very large, intimidating men.

"But he broke my candy bar."

"I never knew you were so sensitive." Harvey scoffed.

"If you paid more attention, maybe you would know."

"It's his sensitive side..." Harley muttered in disbelief to Ivy. "It rarely comes out, and I can't believe it's doin' it now."

"What's it like?"

"If I know my Mistah J, and believe me...I know my Mistah J...he's gonna do somethin' he never does."

"What?"

"Admit how he feels." Harley whispered. "It's epic. Pay attention, you don't wanna miss this one."

The Joker, his face white (then again, it always was), stared at Harvey, his eyes narrowed.

"Harvey...you piss me off more than anyone. You and your tiny brain, your inability to reason, your quickness to jump on people's throats about nothing, the way you screech every time something doesn't go your way, your indecisiveness..."

"Watch it, Clown Boy."

"...the way you call me Clown Boy...but you're my...friend. And I'm...sorry I punched you."

The room was silent.

"He's never apologized to anyone but me before." Harley whispered with glee to Ivy. "Maybe he's gettin' better..."

"I thought you didn't want him to get better."

"Not all the way. But this is good."

Harvey also gasped.

"Does this mean...we have a bromance?"

"No." the Joker snapped. "Don't get sissy on me. Now apologize for breaking my candy bar."

"Uh, sorry. I guess."

"Thank you. Now please move at least five feet away from me."

"You got it." Harvey grinned. "Friend."

"That was weird." Selina said, walking up next to Harley. "Have you ever seen him do something like that?"

"Only once." she replied. "To me. But he ain't never punched me. Just a few slaps here and there, but I got no worries, he ain't hit me in months. Not since I got back with him after Eddie."

"I like this side of him." Selina said, eyeing him with interest. "You with him again, Harley?"

"Oh yeah, me and Mistah J is thick as..."

But she'd already walked away. Harley looked at Ivy and shrugged.

"Got a short attention span, I guess." Harley waved her hand aside, and started to walk away, but Ivy grabbed her arm and spun her around.

"Harl...I think you should see this."

Harley turned around to see that nefarious cat with her claws all over her Mistah J, her mouth clamped onto his.

Her heart pounded, and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears.

"HEY!" she screamed. "YOU!"

Selina peeled herself off the Joker, who looked quite surprised, and a little alarmed. Harley took no notice of this, her full attention was on Selina.

"What?" she asked, smirking. "Is he off limits?"

"You get away from my PUDDIN'!" she screamed, trying to jump at her, but Ivy was holding her back as much as she could.

"That's what I told her, but..." the Joker started, but Harley started yelling at him next.

"And YOU!" she screamed. "Don't even get me STARTED on YOU! On Valentines Day, you do THIS?"

"Harl, come on, I didn't even..."

"Don't even try to explain yourself, jerk!" she snapped. "You hurt me for the last time!"

After some solid effort on Ivy's part, she managed to drag Harley away to the other side of the room. "I've been saying this for years. That Joker is NO GOOD. Haven't I been saying that for years?"

"How DARE SHE!" Harley shrieked. "HOW DARE SHE!"

"Blame him!" Ivy urged.

"HOW DARE SHE!"

"What's going on?" Nigma asked, popping around the corner.

"That little...minx has her paws all over my puddin'!" Harley started wailing. "Eddie...you're here for me, right?"

"Nah, I have to go give Selina her valentine." he said. "But I'll give you a Valentine's Day riddle. What has two hearts and spits candy?"

"What?"

"A crocodile. Bye!"

"He's no good either." Harley moped. "This is all Catwoman's fault."

"If I may say something..." Crane said, walking up next to her. "It WAS the expected outcome. You two have been here for a while, and while you were, every man here idolized you, but now there's 'fresh meat', so to speak, people are going to be more interested in that."

"I'm sure your valentine's will cheer you up." Ivy said, patting her on the back. "Come on."

Harley sniffed and nodded, following Ivy to her spot at the table.

Three cards lie there. Only two. Ivy only had one.

They both exchanged glances and inspected their paltry piles.

"I thought..." Harley said quietly. "I thought everyone in our ward had to give us something."

"Look at Selina's." Ivy said, pointing. "It looks like she got all of our valentine's instead of us."

"That...that..." Harley started, but she couldn't think of a word bad enough for how she felt. So she started to open her valentines.

One was from Ivy and read 'You're the only one keeping me sane, even if you're the craziest person I know. Love, your best friend, Ivy.'

The last one was from the Joker. She didn't even read, it, but stuffed it angrily in her pocket. She cast another look over at Selina's enormous pile of valentines- every tag read 'To Harley' or 'To Ivy', but their names were all crossed out so it read 'To Selina'.

"I hate this day." Harley muttered, sitting down.

"You know what this means, right?" Ivy said to Harley.

"What?"

"We have to take her down."

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't belong here." Ivy pressed. "She's taking all of the glory away from us. If we want it back, we have to drive her out."

"But she's locked in here. What are we gonna do, help her escape?"

"No. We're getting her transfered to another ward."

"But...she's a criminal. Therefore, she's criminally insane. We can't go in any other ward."

"Yes we can..." Ivy said in a sing song voice. "The high security ward. Only a few people have ever been in that ward and got out, and they say it's awful."

Harley grinned.

"I like this plan. But we need to get someone in on it." she stuck her head up and looked around. "HEY! JONNY!"

"What?" Crane asked as he walked over.

"Will you help us with somethin'?" Harley asked. He sighed.

"Oh, I don't see why not. This celebration is getting very mundane. What do need help with?"

"We're gonna lock Miss Kitty up in the high security ward." Harley told him. "Got any insight? Didn't you assign someone to high security before?"

"Yeah." he shrugged. "But because they tried to kill everyone. How are you going to pin Selina with that?"

"I have an idea." Ivy said, watching as someone brought out a cake. "But we have to slip out of here unnoticed."

A few minutes later, the three of them were in the hallway, headed down to the chemistry lab.

"This is where they make the treatments they can't get anywhere else." Crane explained as they walked in. "It's where I make my fear toxin."

"Perfect." Harley smiled. "If we're gonna get rid of that girl once and for all, we need to make it real bad. Can you whip up a doozy of a fear toxin Jonny?"

"Do you have to ask?" he grinned, jumping into the cabinets. "Give me ten minutes."

"Everyone will be screaming." Harley smiled. "And when we plant the toxin on Selina, everyone will think it was her who done it."

"One problem." Ivy sighed. "He's the only one who does the fear toxin thing." she pointed at Crane.

"Thought of it, solved it." Crane said. "I'm making it so it won't affect Selina. It will, however, affect all of us...so you'll have to bear with it while it basically terrifies you and chills you down to your core."

"I small price to pay. Cause I can't have that...that THING around no longer." Harley snarled.

"IfI were you, I'd blame that good for nothing clown." Ivy sighed. "It's always been his fault, the whole way through."

"I'll deal with him later." Harley said, crossing her arms. "But for now...I will get my revenge."

Everyone was screaming. Harvey was on the ground, clutching at his face, bellowing 'I'M UGLY, I'M UGLY' at the top of his lungs, Nigma was crying to get him away from the 'soccer balls', and the Joker was just laughing maniacally. Harley, Crane, and Ivy, who all had to be affected by it so they couldn't be blamed, were running around, also screaming.

The nurses had long since immunized themselves to fear toxin (most of them, anyway), so they still had their heads on straight. They saw Selina standing, unaffected, assumed she caused this, and dragged her away to high security.

"A rather poor judgement," Crane had said later. "As if anyone but me would have make the fear toxin."

After everyone had calmed down, they all sat, rather subdued, at the tables and ate their cake. Harley and Ivy still didn't have their valentines, Selina had taken them with her. But at least she was gone.

The Joker sat next to Harley tentatively. She shot him a murderous look, but aside from that, paid him no attention.

"Come on Harl..." he sighed. "She attacked me, I didn't do anything!"

"Humph."

"Didn't you get my valentine?"

"Didn't read it."

"Why don't you?"

"Because I hate you now. It's official and totally real this time."

"Harl..." the Joker sighed again. "You have to believe me."

"Why should I?" she asked, turning towards him. "You're always pullin' stuff like this."

"You're the one who ditched me for Riddles over there."

"I'll punch you, I really will."

"Just read it."

Harley sighed and pulled the crumpled card out out of her pocket. It read-

'Harley- I don't say it enough, because I think it depletes my image as a rather bad ass super villain, but I really do love you. I know you can see that, because every time you get mad at me, there's this little smile on your face, and I know things are good between us. We read each other like books. I know I've hurt you, and I'll probably hurt you again, but not because I mean to, because it just happens. I don't mean to, and I know you know that, because you keep coming back. And honestly, I don't know what I'd do if you didn't.'

Harley paused.

"Oh...PUDDIN"! she cried, throwing her arms around the Joker. "I love you TOO!"

"This is actually kind of terrible." Ivy said, looking at the card. "Harley, he's saying that no matter how much he beats you around, you'll always come crawling..."

"I FORGIVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU!" Harley kissed him several times on the cheek, the forehead, and finally on the mouth. Ivy scowled and left.

"I have a valentine for you, miss Ivy." a patient with a bad case of schizophrenia said, handing her a card.

"Aw. How nice." Ivy said, not looking at him, but taking the card from him anyway. She patted him on the shoulder and watched him melt. She smirked.

She didn't love Valentine's Day. She didn't even care for love.

But she loved the way she could control men. And now that Selina was gone for good, she had it back for good.

With the intention of returning to her cell, Ivy left the cafeteria.

"Ivy! Wait!"

It was Harvey. She turned around, and crossed her arms.

"What?"

"Oh, you're trying to do that sultry eye thing that's supposed to make me faint. Nice try. Won't work on me anymore. Anyway, I have a valentine for you, it was for you, then I gave it to Selina, but then the coin informed me that that wasn't nice, so I guess I have to give it back to you."

"How thoughtful."

"Yeah, whatever. Oh, I'd avoid the Riddler. He's been crying to everyone about how no one loves him."

"Thanks for the tip." Ivy said, pocketing the valentine.

"I got something else too," Harvey said, pulling a slightly crumpled daisy from his pocket. "It was in a vase at reception, so I stole it for you. I figured you could make a minion out of if or something."

"Thanks Harvey."

"No problem."

"This doesn't mean we're getting back together, you know that, right?" she said, looking up at him. He shrugged.

"Puts me one step closer."

And he walked back into the cafeteria.

Ivy watched him retreat back into the crowd. Get her back? Let him try.

She'd been through that before.

* * *

Okay, so I have no idea when the next chapter will be up (or if there will even be one...don't kill me :( ...) I'm planning on writing more, I really am, but it might take a while. Or it might not, who knows. I have something in the works, but I don't know if I'll get around to finishing it.  
And I have no idea where the inmates of Arkham Asylum would get valentines/flowers/chocolate. But that's the beauty of fanfiction, isn't it?  
Much love, and stay tuned. I will try to not dissapoint you 3


	13. Disney World

I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.

So before I give you the chapter, I'm going to go on a tangent for a few minutes, you're welcome to join me, but if not, you can just skip ahead to where the chapter starts. I'll never know.

Anyway. I was watching Batman Forever today, and OH MY GOD. So ridiculous. Like, what was that? What was that thing I was watching? Harvey? And Eddie? Cooperating? WHAT? I know, it's my own characterization that's wrong and I made it up, but still. It's weird to see, since I write it this way so much, it's become the way I see it.

And that Two Face suit. Ay ay ay.

But. That aside.

Here's another chapter of THE ARKHAM CHRONICLES (it's late, I'm tired, I get over excited when I'm tired, it's weird. Don't judge me).

"Riddle me this."

"Humor him." Crane muttered under his breath to Harvey, whose face was screaming murder as he started at the Riddler. "He hasn't been taking his meds."

"Fine. What?"

"Where are we going?"

"Eddie, if I knew, I'd tell ya myself," Harley sighed.

The six villains were in an Arkham patients transport vehicle, headed to god knows where. All the nurse had said was that they were going on a team building exercise field trip. No one seemed to know what exactly that was, save for the attending nurse.

They had been traveling for what felt like days, but was only ten hours.

"Oh, you'll be so excited when we get there." she smiled. "Batman himself suggested it."

Nigma thought about that, and remembered that the last time Batman had suggested anything in the workings of Arkham, Crane had gone crazy and broke everyone out.

So his prospects were high.

Meanwhile, the Joker was fast asleep, and snoring rather loudly. Ivy, who was sitting next to him, wore a look of utter disgust.

"How can you stand this?" she asked Harley, who was petting the Joker's head.

"I love everythin' about Mistah J." she smiled simply. Ivy gagged.

"Okay, we're here!" the nurse cried happily as the truck came to a halt. As they all climbed out the back, they looked around to see if they could figure out where they were.

"Riddle me this."

"I'm going to kill you."

"Mistah J, wake up, we're here."

"Where are you when there's a giant castle, people dressed up as mice and princesses, and a scary looking roller coaster?"

"Oh god..." Crane rolled his eyes. He shot a look at the nurse, who was beside herself with excitement. "Are we in Disney?"

"YES!" she cried. "And we're all going to participate in activities that will create bonds, and tie you all together so you can..."

"Yeah yeah." the Joker yawned, stretching. "We know."

After a good hour of waiting in line to get into the park, they all gathered in front of a large fountain in the entrance.

"I hate this place." Crane muttered. "The happiest place on Earth? Look at this place. It's not happy. It's borderline demonic."

"Oh, lighten up Jonny." Harley smiled, taking a bucket of popcorn from a passing stranger. "We can go on the Tower of Terror. You like scary things, right?"

"I don't like being scared." he sniffed. "I just enjoy the fright of others."

"Figures." Harvey muttered. "Can we go on some big roller coasters? The coin says I want to go on Space Mountain. I tried to argue with it, but there's no arguing with the coin. He's always right."

"There will be plenty of time for rides later." the nurse said, inspecting a map. "First, we're heading over to bumper cars."

"WHAT?" Crane shrieked. "Even I know that's not fun."

"I'll explain everything once we get there." the nurse said, and she began to walk. Everyone followed her, some more reluctantly than others.

"I love it here." Ivy smiled, in one of her very rare good moods, that could only be brought about by sunlight. "It's so bright and warm. Not like Gotham."

"Then why do you live there?" Nigma asked. "Riddle me that."

"Why do any of us live there?" she retorted. "Of all the cities we could live in, with all of their superheroes and their superpowers, I picked the one with the vigilante with no powers."

"And look how that turned out."

"I didn't say it was smart." she grumbled. "Believe me, if I could just pick up and move to Metropolis, I would."

"And I would be forever grateful." the Joker smiled. Ivy scowled at him, and he laughed softly.

"Stop antagonisn' her." Harley admonished. "It never works out good for you."

"Shoulda coulda woulda." he shrugged.

"And here we are." the nurse said, taking them over to the bumper cars. "I want you to all pair up...with someone you don't like."

"So many choices..." Crane muttered, looking at all of the people standing around him. Everyone scowled back at him.

"The coin said I had to pick you, nerd." Harvey said, standing over Crane, who shrugged.

"Just as well. I like you just as much as anyone else here."

"I have a question!" Harley raised her hand. "I like everyone. What do I do?"

"Who doesn't like Harley?" the nurse sighed, looking at the group. Nigma thought about this question, and wondered if it was really a good thing to ask. It was sort of a sore subject to be bringing about the inmates, if you thought about it.

But no one raised their hands.

"She's annoying, sure." Harvey shrugged. "But she's freakin hot. I can't dislike her on principle."

"She may be irritating, but she's MY best friend." Ivy added.

"I personally find her rather charming." Crane offered.

"I think she has a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul." Nigma sighed.

Everyone looked at the Joker.

"What?" he asked.

"Harley, you can ride with Crane." the nurse said, making up her mind. "I guess if everyone likes you...Harvey, you ride with Edward. No, I don't care if the coin told you to ride with Crane, HARLEY is riding with Crane. Mr. Joker, you ride with Ms. Ivy."

"I'm not riding with that idiot." Ivy scowled, looking at the Joker, who was already in the purple car.

"Oh, come on." he grinned, patting the passenger seat. "It'll be fun."

The look on her face was one of utter contempt, but she got in the little car nonetheless.

"Now," the nurse called from next to the ride as they were all buckled into their cars. "I want you to all work together and play a nice CLEAN game of bumper cars."

"That'll happen." Crane muttered, folded awkwardly in the passenger seat of the bumper car.

"Why can't you drive?" Nigma whined to Harvey, who seemed to be too big for the seat buckle. "I don't even have my license."

"And you think I have mine?" he retorted. "Besides, it's not up to us, it's up to the coin."

"I hate your damn coin." Nigma grumbled. "Riddle me why."

"Why?"

"Because it's dumb."

"Say that again and I'll punch you so hard, you'll never..."

"Welcome to the magical bumper cars in the magical land of Disney." the ride announcer interrupted Harvey's tirade. "Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and remember, no unnecessary roughness."

The Joker cracked up, much to Ivy's delight. She crossed her arms tightly around her body and let out a huff.

As the buzzer sounded, Nigma pushed on the gas, but nothing happened. Harvey looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Are you going to get us moving or what?"

"I'm...trying..." Nigma grunted as bumper cars flew past him at an alarming speed (for bumper cars, that is). "But I can't figure out how to make it go."

He wasn't the only car that wasn't moving. There were five more cars filled with children and their parents who weren't moving, as they were looking at the villains in abject terror.

"Hahahaha!" the Joker shrieked as he flew directly towards Nigma and Harvey, ignoring the 'one way' signs plastered all over the walls.

"AHHHHH!" the Riddler screamed, hiding his face with his hands as the Joker's car bumped rather harshly into his. The car spun wildly out of control, and Harvey yelled as he grabbed the wheel, steering them promptly into a corner.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Nigma shrieked. "I COULD HAVE DIED!"

"If only!" the Joker called.

"Could you try to be a little more pleasant?" Ivy snapped.

"You don't know me very well, do you?" the Joker smiled, as he slammed into some small child's car. "I'm not one for pleasantry."

The child wailed.

"MOMMY!" he cried. "SCARY CLOWN HIT MY CAR!"

"YOU STOP THAT!" Harley yelled at the Joker from across the track. She was standing up in her seat, and Crane was trying to steer from the passenger side. "DON'T TERRORIZE KIDS OR I'LL COME OVER AND SLAP YOU, YA HEAR ME?"

"Ma'am, please sit down in your car." the ride worker said over the speakerphone. Harley stuck her fingers in her ears and waggled her fingers and tongue at him, remaining standing.

"Harley sit down." Crane told her as their car spun out. "You're scaring people."

"Like they weren't scared before." she huffed, sitting back down and taking the wheel.

"That's right kiddies, your favorite clown is back in town!" the Joker cried gleefully, giggling. "Who wants a balloon animal?"

The kids looked at him, still rather terrified. He held the suspicious looking balloon animal out the side of his car, driving in circles around them. Ivy was still scowling.

"Mistah...what are you doin'?" Harley shrieked, looking over again. Crane groaned.

"Just ignore him..." he said, but she was already out of the car.

"Miss...miss...please get back in your car!" the speaker ordered, but Harley was marching angrily towards the Joker.

"Whaddya think you're doin'?" she snapped at him, demonstrating one of the rare times she actually got angry with him.

"Spreading joy?"

Harley snatched the balloon from him and popped it. A purple smoke burst out of it.

"Laughin' gas? You were gonna waste valuable laughin' gas on KIDS? Mistah J, we're in freakin' Disney, all we're gonna get is kids! Wait till they're grown up. THEN ruin their lives."

"I agree with you on some levels." the Joker said, crossing his arms. "But I still have to point out that when you popped the balloon, you still released and exposed these precious children to the gas you were trying to protect them from."

Harley looked slowly around and saw four or five children rolling around on the ground, laughing uncontrollably.

"Eh." she shrugged. "They'll get over it."

"MA'AM!" the speaker thundered. "PLEASE REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE BUMPER CAR AREA. YOU ARE BANNED."

"Banned?" Harley pouted before hopping the barrier back onto the sidewalk. "Banned from what?"

"I'll talk to him." the nurse sighed, walking toward the ride worker. Harley leaned up against the railing and watched the chaos steadily unfold.

Nigma still couldn't figure out how to get the car to go, and Harvey was getting more and more angry. A security worker was chasing the Joker around, but the Joker was driving around him in circles with his bumper car, so he couldn't catch him. Said security worker was yelling at the ride worker to stop it so he could catch the menacing clown, but the ride worker was too busy being talked at by the nurse, who was explaining to him that her guests were mentally insane, and could not be held accountable for their actions.

ONE HOUR LATER

"This jail is worse than Arkham." Nigma whined. "I have to share the cell with all of you."

"It's not a jail." the nurse explained from the other side of the bars. She looked very uneasy. "You're just being held here until the park is sure you won't cause any more trouble."

"So we're never leaving, then?" the Joker asked flatly. "Because I don't see that happening."

"If we get out of here, it'll be a miracle." Crane agreed. "Then again, what do we really have to get back to?"

"I'm not breaking out of here AND Arkham." the Joker scowled. "It's too much work. They'd better just let us go."

"We're waiting on a confirmation call from the asylum." the nurse said. "They just have to call the park and tell them that you're indeed deemed officially insane, and then as long as you remain under close supervision, they'll let you out."

"Or we could just break out." Harvey said, rolling his eyes. "We do it all the time at Arkham. This place can't be much different."

"We don't do it all the time." Crane reminded him. "The last time any of us actually escaped was when Batman came to teach us self defense. And that was what, months ago?"

"It's a change in scenery," Ivy shrugged. "The walls are a slightly different color."

"I still hate it." Nigma grumbled.

"Okay guys," a police officer said, unlocking the door. "You're allowed to go back in the park, only thing is, I have to be with you. Now you listen to me, this here's a kid's park, and I don't want any lunatics messing it up. So you either behave yourselves or that asylum of yours will give you a real special treatment when you get back, you hear?"

The six villains all exchanged glances.

"Fine." the Joker said, speaking for the group. "But we want to go on the Tower of Terror."

"What?" Crane shrieked. "No we..."

The Joker shushed him.

"Yes, we do. Don't we?"

"I know I do!" Harley said in a sing song voice. Ivy nodded, but she just wanted to get back outside.

"Fine." the cop said as he led them all back into the park. As they made their way to the ride, families and the like veered away from them. Nigma tried smiling at one of them, but he caused the child to burst into tears and run away screaming.

"That's because your face is so ugly." Harvey smirked. The Riddler looked at him, his lips pursed and his eyes narrowed.

"You know what, Harvey? I'm sick of your crap. I'm sick of you hating on me, my face, and my riddles, ESPECIALLY when YOU look like THE FACE OF HELL ITSELF! You say I'm ugly? YEAH, YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

He finished by doing what Harvey usually did to him on a daily basis- punching him in the face. Normally, this would be quite ineffective. But he clocked him right on the deformed side, which was a lot more sensitive to pain than the other side.

"OW!" Harvey howled, clutching his face in pain. "CHEAP SHOT, CHEAP SHOT!"

"You know, if we had a bromance, I wouldn't have done that." he sniffed. "I saved your life, and this is what I get. And you know what else, Two Face? Punching a guy in the face who is ten times weaker than you is a cheap shot. Riddle me THAT."

Harley was clapping.

"Yay EDDIE!" she cheered. The police officer, meanwhile, was looking on ominously. He didn't like what he was seeing.

"Act out like that one more time, and you're out of here." he snapped at Nigma, who was too busy being proud of himself to listen. Harvey, dubiously humiliated, sulked quietly at the back of the pack.

"You really did deserve it." the Joker said, looking over his shoulder at him.

"Thanks." Harvey said sarcastically.

"Okay, get in line." the cop said, ushering the group toward the Tower of Terror. The nurse hung behind.

"What is the premise of this ride?" Crane asked, shuffling slowly as the line progressed.

"I dunno." Nigma shrugged. "Being terrified?"

"Interesting." Crane said. They were directly behind a young couple, who were holding hands and giggling. Crane leaned up between them. "Excuse me, but would you mind if I tested some fear toxin on you to experiment the effect of being scared for the fun of it?"

The girl turned around and sprayed him in the eyes with pepper spray.

"OW!" he howled, sinking to the ground. "OKAY, okay, I see, you don't want to participate..."

"Leave them alone." Harley said, helping him up. "For now, at least. Wait until we're out of view of the cop."

"Yeah, why did he leave us alone?" the Riddler asked, proposing another question. "Riddle me that. Why would a sea turtle leave it's eggs? Because it wants cheesecake. He must have gone to look for cheesecake."

"No," the Joker sighed, glancing at Nigma. "No. He left us alone because he's STUPID. Do you know what that means, Riddler? Can you riddle me what that means?"

"You're asking me to solve a RIDDLE?" Nigma asked gleefully.

"...sure."

"Okay, okay. I know this one. Umm...refrigerated sneakers? The Lion King? Two camels in a tiny car?"

"NO. It means we can...escape." the Joker whispered the last word gleefully.

Everyone remained silent. He looked around expectantly, but they weren't giving him the response he wanted.

"What? Don't you want to escape?" he asked.

"Well...yeah." Harley shrugged. "It's just that...we're in Florida right now."

"And?"

"I don't wanna walk to Gotham!" she cried suddenly. "It's so FAR! It took us twenty four hours to DRIVE here!"

"We wouldn't have to walk," the Joker sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Then how would we get there? Do you have a car?" Ivy asked him, an eyebrow raised. "Or perhaps you could steal a bumper car and use that?"

"No, those only work on the bumper car track." Nigma said, missing out on the sarcasm. No one bothered to explain it to him, however.

"And we can't leave NOW." Harley continued. "We still have to go on the ride!"

"Seriously?" asked the Joker flatly. "You're going to skip out on escaping so you can ride the Tower of Terror?"

"I'll go with you." Crane said. He did not want to get on the ride. "It's a simple matter of stealing a minivan from the parking lot and hijacking it so we can get out of here."

"Exactly." the Joker agreed. "You're finally making...wait, what?"

"What?"

"Did you say minivan?" the Joker asked. They were getting very close to the beginning of the line. "You want our spectacular getaway to be in a minivan?"

"Well, hold on." Harvey interrupted. "If we're gonna escape, I think we should pick a cooler car."

"Thank you, Harvey."

"But a minivan is practical." Crane stressed. "I mean, if we're all going to be cooped up in a car for hours on end, I suggest we go with a comfortable choice."

"I'm not going anywhere in a minivan!" the Joker cried. "It's ridiculous!"

They were almost about to get on the ride at this point.

"Wait," Ivy said. "Are we going to go escape, or are we getting on the ride?"

Everyone looked at Harley, who shuffled her feet anxiously.

"Why do I hafta decide?" she asked painfully.

"Crane, Harvey and I want to go. Nigma doesn't. Ivy's opinion doesn't matter. So you have to choose for us."

"Um..." Harley looked at the ride, a longing expression in her eyes. "I...I wanna ride the ride."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Harvey yelled. "We're talking freedom and you'd rather go on a stupid RIDE?"

People were giving them strange looks.

"How many times are we gonna get to come here?" Harley asked, gesturing wildly with her arms. "Seriously?"

"Ridiculous. Just ridiculous." Harvey muttered.

They were ushered by a ride attendant into the car. Harley seated herself next to the Joker and took his hand. He was still rather upset over her decision.

"What does this ride do?" Crane asked nervously as the door to the car closed. The six villains were the only ones occupying it. Harley, the Joker, and Crane took up the first row, and Harvey, Nigma, and Ivy were in the row behind them.

"It goes up and up and then you go down!" Harley said, answering Crane's question.

"Like...like falling?"

"Yepper!" she clapped. "I'm so excited. Aren't you so excited, Mistah J?"

"No."

"Aw, come on." she pouted. "You know, it is dark in here. I bet we could get away with..."

"I will not allow that." Harvey said loudly. "I will punch you both. Except Harley. I can't hit girls."

As the car started going up, Harley started bouncing up and down. Crane shrank down in his seat.

"If anyone wants to observe my behavior and report it back to me later, it would be much appreciated. I have yet to see how fear affects my own AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The car plummeted to the ground. Crane wasn't the only one screaming, Harvey was joining in on the chorus.

"ARE YOU TELLING ME...THAT WE...ARE GOING BACK...TO ARKHAM...SO WE COULD RIDE...THIS DEMON RIDE!?!?!"

"I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!" Nigma screeched. "I CHANGED MY MIND, I'D RATHER ESCAPE!"

The Joker was laughing, despite his distaste for the choice.

Five minutes later, the ride stopped. When the six villains returned to the nurse and the cop, the Joker was laughing manically (and had to be sedated for the ride home), Nigma, Crane, and Harvey were shaking in silent terror, and Harley was bouncing up and down as usual. Ivy remained jaded.

"I've been on worse." she said as they piled back into the car.

"Do you think we'll ever go back?" Harley sighed as the car pulled away from the parking lot.

"Look around you." Ivy said, pointing to the four men. The Joker was on the ground, he was obviously thrown in carelessly by the cop. His limbs were jumbled in a fashion that would be quite uncomfortable for him were he not knocked out. The other three were all in relative states of pale faced shock.

"T...that wasn't s-so bad." Nigma stammered. "I mean...I could have died, right? Riddle me...riddle me..."

But he passed out before he could finish the sentence.

"Geez. It's just a ride." Harley said, looking at his fallen figure.

"Yeah, a ride that cost us our freedom." Harvey muttered. "Wake me up when we get back."

He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the back of his seat.

"Yeah, I'm kinda tired." Harley sighed. "Three hours in Disney really knocks it out of you."

She got down on the small area of floor where the Joker was and curled up next to him, her eyes closing in sleep.

Ivy sighed.

They were idiots. Every single one of them.

So there's that! May I add that with this chapter, Arkham Chronicles is now a novel length deal? O.o. Dang.

As for the setting of the chapter, I glazed over the details of the Disney parks. There's the Tower of Terror (which I love, btw), which is MGM, but there's the castle there too, which is Magic Kingdom, so...it's just another thing I took and changed for my amusement.

Why am I talking at you so much? I'll stop talking at you now. Thank you for reading, I love you all.


	14. Wayne Manor

Oh hai! It's been such a long time. And I'm gonna be honest- I intended Disney to be the last one (that was the last one I think, I really don't remember :p oh it's been so long) and I'm uploading this special chapter BECAUSE I have a favor to ask. It's really easy, and it won't take too much time from anyone, but I'd really appreciate it if you could help me out :)

I'm doing this project for one of my classes on popular culture, and I'm doing it on fan fiction. So if you could maybe send me a message and tell me 1.) why you like reading/writing fan fiction, 2.) why you enjoy fan fiction 3) Things that you think are good about fan fiction and just stuff like that. I don't need anything really in depth, just a few sentences basically about how you feel about the fan fiction genre. You could always get more specific if you want.

That being said, I 1.) hope you enjoyed your Halloween (I dressed up as Poison Ivy, it was pretty awesome) and 2.) Hope you enjoy this chapter of Arkham Chronicles.

I apologize for blatantly bribing you with this update.

* * *

It was raining outside, and the cloud cover was thick. Some of the lights in Arkham were flickering on and off gloomily, but most just refused to stay on altogether. The entire asylum was plunged into darkness as the last lights gave up and shut off altogether.

"Hey Crane. Riddle me this. If one were to see a blue rainbow, how many other colors would he see?"

"That's impossible. There are infinite colors in a rainbow, it being a spectrum, so there is no way that there would be only one color."

"You don't get it at all." Nigma moaned. "The answer is...never mind. I don't want to waste my brilliant mind on you."

"I'm sure."

"Mr. Crane? Mr. Nigma?"

A nurse was at the bars. She was holding a candle, because most of the lights in the hallway were mostly out.

"Let me guess." Crane said, standing up. "We have to participate in team building exercises again, right?"

"Wrong." the nurse said, looking at her clip board. "We're experiencing a minor power outage here in Arkham..."

"We've noticed." Nigma said. "Do you want to hear a riddle? I don't care if you don't. Here it is. If I were to knit a blanket big enough to cover the world, how big would my pants have to be?"

"Size 0." the nurse said dryly. "Now come on. We're moving you to the only location in Gotham that has power."

"I'm flattered that you think I'm a size 0."

"Where is there power?" Crane asked, ignoring the fact that they were discussing ladies' pant sizes.

"Wayne Manor." the nurse sighed, a blissful look creeping into her eyes. "Unfortunately, I cannot be in attendance. I have to stay here and try to get the power back on."

She didn't sound very happy.

"Why don't you just give the place a joybuzz?" the Riddler suggested. "That would get it going, I'm sure."

"We confiscated the Joker's joybuzzer after the pool incident." the nurse said. "And I doubt that would work."

"Such a riddle." Nigma sighed happily. "Wouldn't you say so, Crane?"

"No."

The nurse unlocked the bars and swung them open, letting Crane and Nigma wander blindly in the dark hallway.

"Ow! You stepped on me!"

"I did not step on you, I stepped on your foot."

"Which is part of me. Riddle me this. If I stepped on YOU, would you like it? Yes. Because you're a masochist."

"No I'm not."

"Says you."

Nigma pawed around in the darkness, trying to find a wall he could cling on to. But while he was doing so, he ran into someone.

"Is that you, Mistah J?" the voice of the someone asked.

Nigma stood up taller and tried his best Joker voice.

"Why, yes. Yes it is."

"No it ain't!" she laughed, putting her hands on his face to feel around. "This is Eddie."

"Let's just leave the Joker behind."

"Hello, Ivy."

"Hi."

The Riddler tried walking forward, seeing as his plan to find the wall had failed. However, he only ran into someone again. And this person wasn't feminine and curvy, like Harley was. This person was quite burly.

"Watch it, whoever you are." a voice growled. "You wanna flip for your life?"

"This is the Joker." Nigma said. "You should hit him when you can see him. I mean me."

"Shut up, Nigma." the real Joker snapped. "He's not dumb, he knows what you sound like."

"Okay." Harvey yelled. "Whoever the REAL Joker is, please tell me now. Because I am one step away from being very confused."

"You don't know what we sound like?" the Joker said, dumfounded. "How can you NOT tell?"

"You must be the Riddler, because you're asking a lot of dumb questions." Harvey said, turning towards the Joker's voice. "So I'm gonna hit you."

"Harvey, no...!"

But it was too late- Nigma could hear the all too familiar crunch of fist on face as he punched the Joker.

"Um, OW!" the Joker yelled. "Dumbass."

"Shut up, Riddler."

"Yeah." Nigma smiled. "Why don't you just shut up? Haha. Ha. Ha..."

"Why is your laugh so weird?" Harvey asked. The Riddler just shrugged.

"I have a cold."

"That's not the Joker, Harvey." Crane finally sighed. Apparently he had only just decided to clue Harvey into Nigma's antics. "That's the Riddler. You punched the Joker."

"Oh. Oops.'

"Yeah. Oops." the Joker grumbled.

"Sorry buddy."

"Okay." the nurse said, coming back with her candle. "We now have an escort ready to take you all to Wayne Manor. If you would all follow me."

The group then followed the nurse down many hallways and staircases until they reached the entrance.

It had been ages since any of them had even seen it.

"I'm making a run for it." Harvey whispered to the group. "When they open the doors, I'm getting out of here. You can follow me if you want, but I wouldn't advise it. It's dangerous out there."

No one replied. They all just exchanged glances with each other.

"Good luck with that, Harvey." Harley said.

"Thank you."

A different nurse opened the front doors of the asylum, revealing the outside. The six villains looked at it with great awe, particularly Ivy.

"I don't want to go outside." Crane sniffed. "It's raining."

"Baby." Harvey said, stomping forward. "Wow, what a GREAT day for a car ride. That's it. No escape attempts from ME, no sir. There's no way I will..."

And he took off running.

This didn't go unnoticed, and soon two giant security guys were chasing after him.

"How far do you think he'll get?" Harley asked Ivy.

"Ten feet."

The Joker craned his neck to look.

"Oh, he only got about seven."

"Wow, that looks like it hurt."

Harvey was now on the ground, laying underneath the two security guards. The rest of the group piled into the escort, which was just a borrowed paddy wagon from Blackgate Prison.

"How come we're going to Wayne Manor?" Nigma asked once Harvey was put in the car.

"It has power." Ivy answered him.

"Well yeah, but why just us? Quite the riddle, isn't it?"

"We don't want you acting up while the power is out." a doctor answered them. Apparently, he was riding up there with them.

The wagon started up and started on its way to Wayne Manor.

"Won't the other patients act up? We ARE all insane, here." the Joker put in.

"You're a quite volatile bunch." the doctor replied easily. "And we hope this will be..."

"Let me guess." Harley huffed. "A healing experience."

"Precisely." the doctor smiled. "Mr. Wayne has some great activities planned for you."

Nigma, who was seated between Harvey and the Joker, shrank in his seat a little. He knew he should keep quiet, and that it was in his best interest to keep quiet, but he had the compulsion to tell riddles. It wasn't just an annoying habit. It was something he was forced by the inner workings of his mind to do.

"Riddle me this!" he blurted out before he could stop himself. "How many pages does an empty book have?"

He winced, knowing that soon, two fists would be launched at him from either direction.

But they didn't come.

Harvey and the Joker just sat there, staring at the opposite side of the vehicle.

"Aren't you going to hit me?" the Riddler asked, looking between them. "I said a riddle."

"Why would we hit you?" the Joker asked, in what seemed like a forcibly calm tone. "We would never hit you."

"No, of course not." Harvey added through clenched teeth. "It's part of the healing process."

The Riddler looked between them still, confused. But then he shot a glance at the doctor, and he understood. They could hit him in front of the nurses, because they had no real power, but the doctors did. It was for him to say if they were released or not.

"Let's go back to that riddle for a moment, Mr. Nigma." the doctor said thoughtfully. "You asked how many pages an empty book has. But wouldn't that answer be obvious?"

"I don't think seven gold coins is an obvious answer..."

"Of course an empty book would have zero pages," the doctor continued, ignoring Nigma. "Why would you tell such an obvious riddle? Is it because YOU feel like the empty book, and you've run out of pages?"

"I AM having a bit of a writer's block..." he mused.

"Don't listen to him, Riddler." Crane advised. "These doctors nowadays, they're full of crap."

"Well, duh."

The doctor looked affronted.

"Excuse me?"

"That was an obvious, and if I may say, quite lame attempt at analyzing the Riddler's psychosis. If you were to look deep beneath the riddle, you wouldn't see a book with no pages, you'd see a book with too MANY pages, which leads to his riddle compulsion, and when you finally reach the matter of psychoanalytical findings..."

"I'm pretty sure no one is listening to you." Harvey grumbled, leaning his head against the back of his seat. "Because no one cares."

A few minutes later, the vehicle came to an abrupt stop, and the six villains piled out. The doctor led them up the path to the front door of Wayne Manor, which sprawled over the hillside, regal and sparkling in the dark atmosphere of Gotham City.

As they were ushered inside by the doctor, an elderly old man smiled grimly at them.

"Master Wayne? Your..._guests_ are here."

A young boy came out of the adjacent room, a handheld video game clutched in his hands. He looked up at the villains and gasped.

"Alfred, what are they..."

"It's all part of Master Wayne's plan." the old man sighed deeply, as if he disapproved. The young boy cast a wary look at the troop of criminals and disappeared again.

As Bruce's footsteps drew nearer, Harley craned her neck to get a better look. The Joker shot her a disapproving glare, which she merely shrugged off.

"Can't blame a girl for lookin'."

He didn't reply, but merely grumbled under his breath, crossing his arms.

Eventually, Bruce Wayne walked into the room they were all gathered in. He looked rather moody.

"Welcome to my manor." he huffed. "I just want to make it clear that this was not my idea. We can all blame Commissioner Gordon for that. However. I do have some activities planned..."

"Like spin the bottle?" Harley giggled. The Joker growled again.

"I do have a few rules." Bruce said. "One, don't touch anything. Two, don't touch any clocks. Three, I EXPRESSLY ask you to not touch the grandfather clock in the basement and set the time to 10:47. It'll confuse everyone. Now, if you would all follow me..."

Nigma looked around as Bruce led them upstairs. He was trying to think of a riddle that involved a grand staircase, a butler, and a porcupine when Crane nudged him.

"Don't you think it's odd that Bruce Wayne took the time to forbid us from setting that grandfather clock to 10:47?"

"Not really." Nigma shrugged. "It's only 7:30 right now. Imagine if that clock were set to 10:47. The entire room would be thrust into a different time zone, and if that's not inconvenient, then I don't know what is."

Crane let out a deep sigh.

"No, idiot. Think of it as if it were a riddle."

Nigma thought about it, and when he came to a conclusion, gasped.

"I've got it!"

"What?"

"10:47 can be calculated to mean 'porridge', and a clock can symbolize 'chocolate'...he doesn't want us to find his secret stash of chocolate porridge!"

"This is really how your mind works, isn't it?"

"I don't see how I could be wrong."

"Hmm. Well, we could test your theory and go to the clock and set..."

"Are you making secret plans?" Harley squealed, coming up between them. "I LOVE secret plans!"

"Harley!" Crane snapped as Bruce turned back to look at them questioningly. "Now...now Harvey's surprise party is ruined. Darn."

"You were going to throw me a surprise party? That's so thoughtful!"

Bruce turned around again. Nigma looked at Crane, confused.

"But we were going to go change the time on that clock." Nigma siad.

Crane slapped his forehead.

"I mean, I don't even know what I'd get Harvey for a present. Something that says 'I love you man, but not in a weird way'. What presents do you know that say 'The bromance we have is awesome'?"

"Will you shut up about the bromance?" Harvey grumbled. "I have an exclusive bromance with the Joker."

"We haven't discussed this." the Joker put in. "And I thought I told YOU to shut about this whole 'bromance' thing. It's getting old."

"You can't deny it."

"I can, and I am. And furthermore..."

"So, you're a billionaire?" Ivy asked, sauntering up to Bruce and sliding her arm around his shoulders. "How interesting."

"Fascinating." Bruce said dryly, completely ignoring her advances. Now at the top of the stairs, he opened a door and let the six villains file in. When he turned on the lights, Nigma was able to see that there were already three people in there. One was the boy they had seen earlier. As for the other two, one was a girl with long red hair and a very displeased expression. The other person in the room looked sort of like the young boy, except he was older. His arm was around the girl with the long hair.

All three of them looked angry.

"Bruce..." the older boy asked warily, looking at the six villains with contempt. "What..."

"Arkham dumped them on me for the night." he said in a low voice to them. "So...we're just going to entertain them until they get the power back up."

"Spin the bottle!" Harley insisted. Ivy nodded enthusiastically.

"No, Ivy, you can't play, your kisses are poisonous!" Nigma whined. "I don't wanna die!"

"It's not you I'm after." she hissed through gritted teeth.

"Oh. ...Why don't you want to kiss me? Riddle me that!"

"Just shut up."

"So..." Bruce sighed, gesturing to the villains, "This is the Joker, Two Face, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy. And these are...my friends."

"They look familiar." the Joker frowned.

"You've never seen them ever. They're new to Gotham." Bruce said smoothly, turning away from them.

"Yeah," the older boy said, looking at the red haired girl who was looking at Bruce, shaking her head slowly. "Uh, my name is...Tim."

The younger boy looked at him sharply.

"Dumbass, that's my name."

The red haired girl face-palmed.

"I'm Barbara." she said to the villains. "Commissioner Gordon's daughter. This is Dick and Tim."

"Gordon's daughter, hmm?" the Joker mused, stroking his chin. She looked at him rather fiercely, and he said nothing more on the subject.

"So..." Bruce said, clapping his hands together. "How about a game?"

"Spin the bottle." Harley and Ivy insisted at the same time.

"I'm up for it," the Joker grinned, his arm around Harley. She raised an eyebrow at him.

"Why?" she asked warily. He looked down at her, a pause on his face, his eyes searching for an answer.

"So...I can kiss you?" he asked. Harley looked at him suspiciously for a moment, but then she grinned.

"Aw, I love you too, puddin'." she hugged him tightly around the waist, and he patted her head, sighing.

"I'm not playing that game." Crane insisted. "Ivy's kisses are poisonous. I don't want to end up dead along with Nigma and this fool." he pointed at the Joker, who scowled.

"Monopoly." Bruce said, letting the box fall on the ground with a thud in the already formed circle of people. "It's simple, it's easy, and it should last us a while."

"I call the horsey!" Harley squealed, diving onto the box.

Since there weren't enough pieces for the number of people playing, Bruce had to dig up some extra trinkets for everyone else to play with.

Half an hour later, everything was going pretty much as expected.

"Well well well, Harvey 'Poor' Face, I see you have yet again landed on Marvin Gardens." the Joker cackled, leafing through his huge pile of money. Harvey looked down at his ten dollars of play money, and then he looked back up at Bruce.

"Can we play with real money? You know...if we have it? I think that would make it easier."

"Seriously?" the Joker deadpanned to Harvey. "You want to play in terms of real money with a god damn billionaire?"

"WELL IT'S STUPID THE REAL WAY." Harvey bellowed, throwing his ten dollars at the Joker. The two pink bills fluttered slowly towards him, and landed gently in the middle of the board. Harvey clearly felt this wasn't a clear enough representation of his anger, so he hit the board with his fist, causing everyone's pieces and hotels to fly in the air.

"Riddle me this." Nigma said, avoiding the flying pieces. "How did the Joker get so much money anyway?"

"I have all the good properties." he said easily. "The money just comes."

"But how'd you get the good properties?" Crane then asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Luck."

"LUCK HAS DONE NOTHING BUT BETRAY ME!"

"Harvey, for god's sakes, calm down." the Joker snapped. "Go flip your coin or whatever."

"I would, but then I'd have to give it to your for rent on stupid Marvin Gardens."

"You should be happy to stay in Marvin Gardens, it's quite the respectable establishment."

"Um, there's absolutely no money in the bank." Dick said, looking behind Harley, who was the banker. She looked innocently back up at him.

"Really? I had no idea."

"THIEF!" Tim shrieked, pointing at the Joker. "Lemme at him Bruce, I can take him, really..."

"Calm down." Bruce said, holding onto the back of his shirt. "Don't make me send you to bed."

"I don't live here."

"Then...really? Where do you live?"

"My house."

"Oh." Bruce paused. "Well, you're here an awful lot. I just thought that was, you know...because you live here."

"No, I definitely don't."

"For the record," Barbara said, "Dick and I don't live here either."

"It's like my world is turning upside down."

"Okay, okay, okay." Crane said, standing up. "I think it's time for a new activity. Harvey is about to throw the monopoly board out of the window, Ivy is growing plants up through the floor, and Harley and the Joker are maki...oh look, they're gone now." he threw up his hands. "Awesome."

"Dick, can you go get them?" Bruce said, looking at him. "I can't have them wandering around. You know why."

"Aw, come on." he whined. "Who knows what I could walk in on and see them doing...whatever."

"Yeah." Tim nodded seriously. "They could be cutting up pictures of Bruce or drawing mustaches on him."

"Yeah." Dick said slowly, looking at Tim out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah, I definitely don't want to see that. It would be too disturbing."

"Riddle me this! I'll go." the Riddler said, standing up, and before Bruce could stop him, he was off.

Nigma wandered around aimlessly for a good ten minutes before he finally came across Harley and the Joker.

"Hey. Guys." he said, clearing his throat to announce his presence. "Everyone's wrapped in the riddle of where you went. Time to go back."

"Fine." the Joker scowled, cracking his neck and walking past the Riddler, but he didn't hesitate to bump into him with a little extra force before he did. Nigma scowled.

Harley stretched out, looking at Nigma, satisfaction on her face.

"Guess what?" she grinned.

"Riddle me what?" he asked. Harley pointed, and he looked. It was the clock Bruce had told them not to touch. Harley proceeded to approach it.

"Whaddya think he's hidin' in this clock?" Harley asked, stopping before it, rocking back and forth on her heels. "Mistah J and I've been thinkin'. We think it's where he keeps all his cash."

"I'm sticking with my chocolate porridge theory." Nigma insisted. "Come on, we'll miss the next board game."

"Eddie, don't you get it?" Harley asked. "All the riches in the world could be behind this clock!"

"I see." he nodded, turning back around and walking up to her. "Chocolate porridge is quite valuable these days."

"No," she scowled. "You know what...never mind. Let's just go back upstairs. It looks kinda expensive, and all I got is this play money stuffed in my pockets."

"Hold on." Nigma said as she turned to walk back to the room everyone else was in.

"Wait wait wait...what are you doin'?"

"I'm checking out this clock." Nigma responded, playing with the hands. "I could really go for some chocolate porridge right now. And I've always been fascinated with clocks, you know, and this one..."

"You can't touch that." Harley said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back. "You don't know nothin' about clocks. I know you're smart and everythin', but you don't need to touch what ain't yours. And I know you can't pay for that if you bust it."

"Let me just..."

"No!"

"Harley, come on." Nigma stamped his foot a little. "Let me just put the time back."

Harley crossed her arms.

"Fine, but if you break that, you're gonna hafta report back to Bruce Wayne, and he ain't gonna be to happy with you."

"Oh, please." Nigma laughed. "Riddle me this. What could Bruce Wayne possibly do to me that would cause me any sort of harm or misfortune?"

Harley paused.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." she said. "Go ahead. Do whatever you gotta do."

"Riddle me this. What time is it?"

"I dunno, like, 10:47?" Harley shrugged.

The Riddler stood on his tiptoes to reach the massive hands of the grandfather clock, and turned the hands to 10:47.

There was a huge clunking noise, and the clock seemed to slide out of the way. No- it WAS sliding out of the way, and a passage opened up. Harley crept forward next to the Riddler, her eyes wide.

"Eddie, it's a secret passageway!"

"Riddle me that." he whispered.

"NIGMA!" someone yelled. "GET YOUR SORRY ASS BACK HERE. WE AREN'T DONE PLAYING TRIVIAL PURSUIT, AND IT'S BEEN YOUR TURN FOR HALF AN HOUR AND WE'VE JUST BEEN SITTING HERE."

Nigma looked at Harley and she shrugged.

"C'mon, Eddie. I don't really feel like pokin' around in some creepy tunnel. It's prolly fulla bats anyway."

"Yeah, probably." Nigma said, and he and Harley made their way back up the stairs to the Trivial Pursuit game.

"Finally." Harvey grumbled, throwing the dice at the Riddler. They bounced off his face and he scowled.

"All right, all right." he said, sitting down next to Harvey. "I just don't think you should throw stuff at your brofriend."

"Um...what?"

"It's a new word I just invented." he said, his face lighting up. "Brofriend. It's the word for one of the people involved in a bromance. We have a bromance, you are my brofriend."

"Nigma." Harvey said through clenched teeth. "You're making it really hard on me to NOT punch you in the face."

"I thought it was clever." Nigma sniffed with some arrogance, sitting up straight and rolling the dice. He saw Bruce give Dick a long side glance.

"Riddle me this. I need a nature question." he said, landing on a green space.

"You don't need to preface everything you say with 'Riddle me this', you know." Ivy scowled, pulling a green card out of the deck. "Here's your question- how many leaves does," here, Ivy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "poison ivy have?"

The Ridder looked at her blankly.

"No, give me a real question."

"That is the real question, dumbass." she snapped. "How many leaves does it have?"

"You don't have any leaves. My answer is zero."

"Really?" the Joker looked at him, no humor in his face. "Really, Nigma?"

"What?" he asked. "Should we look at this analytically? Should we perhaps look at this question as not a determination of fact, but rather as a puzzle of the mind? Perhaps it is implying that Poison Ivy is the creation of leaf? Or maybe that she is leaf itself! Could we perhaps describe as Ivy as the culmination of nature and war bonded together to create the perfect, deadly mutant? Or do we consider her with sympathy and awe? Thinking of all this, could we maybe..."

"THREE." Ivy screeched, springing up to her knees. "A POISON IVY PLANT HAS THREE LEAVES."

Nigma shrank under her shadow. Then-

"Poison ivy is a real plant?"

Ivy screamed in rage, something she rarely did, and slapped Nigma across the face with a plant tendril.

"Now, now, Ivy." the Joker patted her shoulder. "No need to get mad at Eddie. He just doesn't know any better. Or...anything really, for that matter."

"I could resent that." Nigma sniffed. "But thanks anyway."

"No problem, copycat jerk face."

Nigma stiffened, but ignored the comment nonetheless.

"This game doesn't show of the proper components of my intellect." Crane said. "Can I change some of the cards?"

"No." Bruce said. There was a great deal of exasperation in his voice. The phone rang.

"Change the cards." Harvey muttered. "Cheater. You know I only know the sports questions."

"Yes, my adjustment would eliminate all sports cards."

"This is why you suck." Harvey said, flipping his coin. "The coin thinks so too."

"I'm glad your inanimate object has an opinion." Crane said. "It's reassuring to me that I'm not the craziest. Tell me- does your coin have an aggressive or passive personality?"

"Aggressive." Harvey said morosely. "And sometimes, I feel like it doesn't really love me like I love it. Like it's using me."

"All right, guys." Bruce said once he was off the phone. "The power is back on at Arkham. I'll escort you back to the van."

"We haven't even played spin the bottle yet." Harley muttered, crossing her arms.

"It's all right, Harl." Ivy said, patting her friend on the back. "We'll get them later."

"God, that would have been awesome." Dick sighed, watching them walk away. "Can you imagine? If I got to k..."

He stopped, for Barbara had jammed her elbow into his ribcage.

"Dude." Tim shook his head at Dick before he wandered off into an adjacent room.

Meanwhile, the six villains were back in the van with the doctors and the nurses, who had somehow mysteriously disappeared while they were in Wayne Manor.

"I wonder what was in that tunnel?" Harley asked Nigma later as they walked up the pathway to the Asylum. "What it lead to?"

"I have told you one billion times." Nigma sighed. "Chocolate. Porridge."

She just shook her head.

"Whatever."

The door to Harvey and the Joker's cell slid shut with a final clang. Once the nurse had walked away, Harvey looked over at the Joker.

"I know you cheated in Monopoly."

"Um, hello? I'm the Joker. OF COURSE I CHEATED, STUPID."

"Hey! HEY! DON'T CALL ME STUPID, STUPID. I'm the one who formulated the brilliant plan to Bruce Wayne's secret!"

"YEAH, BUT...wait, what?"

"Remember when he said not to turn the clock to 10:47?"

"Yes. What about it?"

"I totally had this awesome plan to sneak down there and turn the time to that. Just to see what was under there."

"And?"

"I didn't." Harvey said, flipping his coin. "Coin told me not to."

The Joker shook his head at him.

"Harvey, honestly...I just don't know about you."

Harvey just shrugged, and eventually went to bed. All six wondered as they slept what that secret could have been, none of them knowing the full irony of the truth. Of course, Harvey didn't know what irony even was, so it's possible to say that it wouldn't have really affected him at all.

* * *

There you go :) Not nearly as much arguing as usual, but I feel like that can get a little old, don't you? I try not to pile on the humor too much, to me, it eventually just seems like I've made them argue in every way possible before. I wanted to do something will a little bitter but funny irony instead. I hope it was good for you too :)

EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who has/will help me out with my project about fan fiction. I really really really really appreciate it. You guys are super awesome.


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